


You In All Your Vibrant Youth

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Binge Drinking, Demisexual Sirius, Drinking, Drugs, Eating Disorder, Flashbacks, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Suicide Attempt, Parent Death, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn, mentions gender dysphoria for background character, mentions overdose, mentions past suicide attempt, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-09 13:12:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 65,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15268227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: Remus is now 28, in a stable career, and has fallen into a successful relationship. He’s overcome the demons he fought in the past to be on his way to happiness. But when Sirius comes back he feels thrown off.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please read the tags. Sirius and Remus are very messy and very damaged in the flashbacks. It’s very angsty.

_At seventeen, I started to starve myself_  
_I thought that love was a kind of emptiness_  
_And at least I understood then the hunger I felt_  
_And I didn't have to call it loneliness_  
  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
  
_Tell me what you need, oh, you look so free_  
_The way you use your body, baby, come on and work it for me_  
_Don't let them get you down, you're the best thing I've seen_  
_We never found the answer but we knew one thing_  
  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
  
_And it's Friday night and it's kicking in_  
_And I can't dress, they're gonna crucify me_  
_Oh, but you in all your vibrant youth_  
_How could anything bad ever happen to you?_  
_You make a fool of death with your beauty, and for a moment_  
  
_I thought that love was in the drugs_  
_But the more I took, the more it took away_  
_And I could never get enough_  
_I thought that love was on the stage_  
_You give yourself to strangers_  
_You don't have to be afraid_  
_And then it tries to find a home with people, oh, and I'm alone_  
_Picking it apart and staring at your phone_  
  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
  
_Tell me what you need, oh, you look so free_  
_The way you use your body, baby, come on and work it for me_  
_Don't let it get you down, you're the best thing I've seen_  
_We never found the answer but we knew one thing_  
  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
_We all have a hunger_  
  
_And it's Friday night and it's kicking in_  
_In that pink dress, they're gonna crucify me_  
_Oh, and you in all your vibrant youth_  
_How could anything bad ever happen to you?_

_You make a fool of death with your beauty, and for a moment_  
_I forget to worry_

Hunger by Florence + The Machine

*******  
**May 2018**

Sirius and Remus didn’t break up because they didn’t work out. They parted very amicably six years ago after uni concluded. It was time for them to grow up and get a hold of themselves as adults and humans in general. Sirius was moving to Bangkok to work for his father’s company anyway. Remus was staying in England to continue his education to become a barrister. He didn’t expect for Sirius to sort of fall of the map, even if only keeping in touch with James. Remus was always confident that they would stay in touch no matter what. James and Sirius were practically brothers. They were friends for a few years before they even went to uni. But Sirius seemed to be swallowed up in the Black family once again.

Their break up did hurt, just because it was amicable, it didn’t mean that Remus it didn’t miss him desperately. Sirius was his whole world for three years. He wallowed in self-pity, thought about texting Sirius, Facebook stalked him, and smoked too much weed for a couple of months. Soon enough he pulled himself out of his sadness and went back into the world. He didn’t date for almost a year, but he did hook up with people. Lots of people. Probably too many, it made him a bit cringe when he thought about why he may have done it too.

Sirius was demisexual. He was only interested in Remus because they had a strong connection but the sex came in waves. It never bothered Remus when they were together because he loved Sirius and sex wasn’t the most important thing to him. But Remus went out to have as much sex as he could for a while. He hated himself for it because he had no problem with what he and Sirius had. It was probably another coping mechanism. Eventually, he settled down and started to date for real. Now, he had been dating Gideon Prewett for six months.

Actually, he was on a date when things felt like they got turned upside down and shaken about. They were standing at the bar in some new trendy restaurant waiting to be seated even with their reservations. “That… that looks a bit like Sirius doesn’t it?” Gid asked. He had hung out with the group sometimes at uni but he graduated two years ahead of them. He also knew about how in love Sirius and Remus were then. But he was never jealous of it.

“He’s in Bangkok,” Remus scoffed, looking over his shoulder but there were too many people in his eye line. “No one’s heard from him since he went through security at Heathrow.”

“No, it’s him. A bit shorter than you, not as skinny as he used to be, but he’s still got that sharp jawline.” Gideon pointed.

“Stop pointing!” He pushed Gideon’s hand down. Remus didn’t want to talk to Sirius at the moment. He was on a date with Gideon and they were having a beautiful night. He was not mentally prepared for it.

“I don’t think we should ignore him. That’s not nice.” Gideon had this horrible tendency to want to be mates with everyone. Even, it seemed his boyfriend’s ex.

“He did it to our mates.” Remus didn’t include himself in the ignoring because he was glad that Sirius hadn’t contacted him. He would have never got over him if he stayed in touch after leaving.

“We’re just kinder then. Oi! Sirius Black!” Gid shouted.

Remus leaned in close to him and whispered, “No blowjobs for a week.”

“Yeah, right,” He snorted a laugh.

“Christ, Gideon Prewett and — Remus. Shite.” Sirius said, holding a glass of amber liquid in his hand. He looked the same as he did six years ago. Not exactly, he just didn’t look older. His hair was shorter now, he was wearing a suit, and as Gideon said, he wasn’t as skinny. He probably had to fit into his family’s expectations of what a businessperson should look like. The not being skinny wasn’t one of this expectations, Remus hoped that his struggle with an eating disorder had been won. Sirius did look healthy, so hopefully…

“How are you?” Sirius asked, looking directly at Remus. Remus didn’t like the feeling he had in his stomach. It was that old feeling of love and desire that Sirius seemed to be the only one to stir so strongly. Remus hated it. He and Sirius together were like gasoline and matches, some type of explosion, or whatever you describe a relationship like theirs to be. They both had so many unresolved problems with their outside lives they never dealt with that it probably made their relationship a bit unhealthy at times. But at the time, it was what he felt like he needed then. At least he thought so. Nothing they did was ever harmful to each other. It was just that they were just far too co-dependent and enablers of each other’s vices.

“Fine, good, I’m a barrister now. Officially.” Remus said, hoping it showed that he was a Real Adult now. He didn’t feel like a real adult with a career, though. It was still all strange and new. But he suspected that everyone around him felt the same way.

“Brilliant, congratulations, I’d knew you’d do it. What are you doing Prewett? Still swindling dumb rich kids to buy your shitty weed.”

“Fab and I run a comic/record shop. We sell all type of nerdy shite too. No more weed selling, I’m an upstanding citizen. All your degenerate friends are on the straight and narrow. What are you up to?”

“Oh, now I see why you’re with this nerd. I’m sure your vinyl collection has swelled.” He laughed then looked awkward as if he was unsure if it was okay for him to joke like that. “I’m ah, I just moved back to London.”

“The business move you back?” Gideon questioned.

“No, I left. Reg, he came out to my parents because he’s a braver little shite than I am. The gender dysphoria was fucking with his head too much. Anyway, they kicked him out and I followed. He’s doing much better now we’re back to living on our own. We’re trying to start up our own company. We’re meeting with an investor tonight. Reg’s driving over with them because he said if I did it, I’d fuck it up somehow.”

“Oh, congratulations to you,” Gideon looked impressed as the hostess called his name. “That’s us. Nice seeing you, Sirius.”

“Yes, agreed. Good luck.” Remus said a bit tightly.

As they walked away, Remus heard Sirius say, “Hope I see you again.” He didn’t react to that.

Remus followed his boyfriend to their table, which was a back corner booth. He hoped that Sirius wouldn’t be at any of the tables near them. That would have been too weird for him. “Do you hate me?” Gid raised an eyebrow.

“No, you twat, I love you. I wasn’t expecting to see my ex-boyfriend when I’m on a date with my current one after six years of radio silence.” He looked down at the menu.

“I always liked Sirius. He was fun.”

“He was drunk and high most of the time.”

“As were you.” Gideon batted at the menu to get his attention. “You were at uni and I know you two were going through shite. You lot were great though. I was almost jealous of the Marauders because you put on better parties than I did. I don’t want you to leave me for Sirius or whatever. But I also didn’t want to ignore him. He’s a nice bloke.”

“I’m not leaving you for Sirius.” Remus reached for his boyfriends’ hands across the table. “I love you. What I had with Sirius was just daft young love. We were very stupid then. I’m an adult now. I’m not getting fucked up every other day of the week and making out with you in dodgy bar restrooms. My liver can’t handle that nowadays.”

“28, we’re ancient. We don’t have any fun. It’s Friday and we’re on a date. We’ll probably order a bottle of red, eat dinner, go back to yours, and shag.”

“That sounds like a brilliant night. Much better than getting fucked up on whatever I can get my hands on.” Remus smiled at his boyfriend. “But my mouth isn’t going near your cock.”

“I thought we were okay!”

“We are, but I still didn’t want to do that tonight.” Remus snickered. “Let’s enjoy the night and not drudge up my shitty past.”

“Not all of it was shitty with Sirius.”

“No, but my issues were unresolved.” Remus didn’t want to go back to the time when he didn’t have it together. His issues were that his mum died in a car accident when he was learning how to drive. It wasn’t Remus’ fault, the lorry driver was going the wrong way down a oneway far too fast but he still blamed himself. A year before that his father had walked out on them because he fell in love with someone else. Remus hadn’t heard from him in years. Still hasn’t. The hospital couldn’t find him and Remus ended up in foster care until his Aunt Amira took him in. Remus never dealt with losing his mum because he was driving or his dad walking out on him then never getting in touch with him again. Not until a few years ago. But he’s been in therapy for years now and had enough tools to combat those struggles. He wondered if Sirius had been able to fight back his demons.

*******

Of course, he ended up giving Gideon head when they went home because the man made up for his early transgression by being sweet and romantic the rest of the night. The next day Remus went over to James’ flat to see he and Lily for coffee before they all went to Peter’s to celebrate his promotion at The Prophet with a fancy lunch. He wasn’t sure how James was going to take the news. He was extremely angry with Sirius when the other man left and fell completely out of contact. There was a time that James threatened to fly over to Bangkok to pick up Sirius and bring him back, away from his abusive family. Everyone talked him out of it.

“No Gid today?” James asked.

“Nah, not until later. One of Molly’s numerous sprogs has a birthday. Tonks will be over there too with Bill.” Tonks was Sirius’ cousin and a few years younger than them but she, Bill Weasley, and Charlie Weasley had fallen into their friend group. The Weasleys were the Prewett’s nephews but they were closer in age than Gid and Fab were to Molly. Tonks and her mum, Andi hadn’t heard from Sirius in just as long but they were the black sheep of the family since Andi was trans and so wasn’t her husband Ted. The Blacks were strict traditionalist and cast aside anyone who broke that mold.

“Someone in that house is always having a birthday. She has like seven kids.” Lily scoffed from where she was curled up on the sofa, scrolling through her phone. She and James had plans for adoption because she couldn’t see bringing more kids into the world when so many needed love. James agreed with her 100%. “How was Toppins?”

“It’s trendy as fuck, expensive as fuck, and the portions are small as fuck. Gid and I ended up getting doner kebab on our way home. Then frozen yogurt.” Remus laughed, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa as Lily. James took the spot in between them after handing Remus a cup of coffee.

“Christ, why can’t places feed you properly? We pay enough money to go out to eat.”

“The food wasn’t even that good. Sometimes I am willing to sacrifice if the food is amazing but it was pretty average.” He shook his head. He needed to tell his friends that Sirius was back but he wasn’t sure if there was a proper way to broach the subject. So, he decided to dive right in. “You’re not going to believe who I saw there last night.”

“Who? Was it that waiter you fucked once and now you’ve seen him like ten times.” James laughed.

“No, but I swear the man has waited tables at every decent restaurant in the city.” Remus made a face. “Anyway, no, it is not someone who I’ve slept with in the past. Well, I guess… kind of but it was far more than that with him. Sirius. I saw Sirius Black.”

“No!” Lily’s eyes were wide. “Is he in town for business? Did you talk to him?”

James stayed silent, clenching his jaw. Remus could see the muscles jumping.

“Er, well, my lovely boyfriend didn’t want to be rude and called him over. So yeah, we talked but it was niceties for the most part. He’s back for good, I think. Regulus came out to the family and they kicked him out. Sirius followed his brother. Now they’re back here trying to start their own business. He looks… good. I don’t know.”

“Shite,” Lily looked to her soon to be husband. He couldn’t wait for the two to tie the knot finally. They’ve been together long enough. It was forever with them. “Did you make plans with him?”

“Make plans to see my ex while my current boyfriend looked on? No, there wasn’t even a hint that we’d see one another again. I mean, Sirius said he hoped we see each other but I was busy trying to pretend I didn’t hear him.”

“That bastard.” James was seething now. If smoke could come out of people’s ears when they were angry, it would have happened at that moment.

Remus glanced at Lily who was chewing on her bottom lip.

“How the fuck can he — how can he leave, promising to stay in touch with me, drop off, and then come back without a word.”

“Are you okay?” Lily asked, looking between both men.

“I’m fucking angry, Lily.” James snapped, standing up. “I’m going to find him and ring that tosser’s neck. We were best mates for years! That family is horrible to him and his brother. We were a better family than them but he was just so…” James trailed off, shaking his head.

“Sorry, I told you.”

“It’s fine, Moony. It’s not you I’m angry with. You must be feeling something too.” James ran a hand through his hair.

“Oh, I don’t know. It was just weird. I wasn’t expecting to see him. I think it would have been worse if I knew he’d be there. I mean, we broke up ages ago and it was before he left. It’s not like we were together then he ghosted me.” Remus was trying very hard not to think about it. He didn’t want to go down that road. Not right now.

Lily and James exchanged knowing looks.

“Stop it. Sirius and I had a very… intense relationship. It was consuming. I’m older now and realize that it was pretty unhealthy.”

“Well, maybe you both worked on the shite you needed to. We know you did.”

“Highly doubt Sirius did. Plus, who cares, I’m happy with Gideon.”

“For now,” Lily said.

“What does that mean?” Remus asked, offended.

“That you’re always happy with whoever you’re with.” She shrugged. “But you’re still searching for someone. Maybe you already had that person.”

“Is it the waiter?” Remus deadpanned before taking a sip of his coffee.

“You and Sirius got each other. You got each other’s shite.” Lily spoke as James disappeared into their bedroom.

“I know. But we were horrible. I mean, not together, I don’t know. I don’t want to go down an unhealthy road again. I’m good now.”

“I’d let you know if things were getting bad again. I mean, when I came around your last year you all started to shape up a little.” Lily said as James came out with his laptop. “What are you doing?”

“I’m looking him up. I’m meeting with him whether he and you all like it or not.”

“Whatever you need to do.” Remus shrugged. “I will not be doing the same. At least not right now. Just don’t murder him. I don’t want you to go to jail.”

“Oh, Moony, you’d cry over me every day. You’d visit and bake nail files into cakes. You’d try to seduce the guards to distract them as I make my escape. More than Lily would do.”

Lily laughed moving so she could snuggle Remus as James sat on the floor with his laptop and started doing social media investigation. “You sure you’re good?”

“I promise.” Remus gave her a squeeze.

*******  
**May 2009**

Remus needed to get off campus housing for next year. One year of dorms was enough for his like. His aunt suggested that he live in a house with some mates. She’d even help fund him. But Remus didn’t have mates. He liked keeping people at a distance because of the shite he had experienced in his younger years. He was a general mess and it was amazing that he did so well in school Maybe it was just a great distraction. As was alcohol and weed and…

“Oi! Lupin!” Dorcas Meadows waved to him. He had met her at a meeting for the Hogwarts Uni’s LGBT+ Group. He only went once because he just felt out of place for some reason. He had enough on his plate too. But he always saw Dorcas around campus and she had got him to go to a few cool parties. “You said that you were looking for flatshare of some sort, right?”

“Yeah,” He adjusted the strap of his messenger bag. “Why?”

“My mates have one more room and they’re looking for someone to fill it. The rent is cheap. They’re great fun. You’d love them. I think you met them during freshers’ week.”

Remus could not remember freshers’ week because he was blackout drunk for most of it. “Right, who are they?”

“James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew! Know them? Remember them?”

He had heard of them in vague terms of the best party throwers and pranksters. He wasn’t sure if he had met them at all before. Probably, one drunken night. “I know of them.”

“Good,” She reached into her pocket and handed him a note.

Hi Dori’s mate, please join us at The Nag’s Head promptly at 4 pm today. Drinks will be on Sirius. — James Potter & Co.

“This is… okay…”

“They’re weird but you’ll like them.” She assured him.

So, Remus found himself making probably the best/worst decision of his life a few hours later. He didn’t know it was the best/worst decision at the time. He thought it was just going to be quick and easy flatshare. Remus noticed three blokes that looked familiar sitting at a hightop near the pool tables. “Oi, Lupin, how are you?” The average height bloke with tan skin and bad hair said.

“Good, hi,” He was surprised they knew what he looked like. Maybe from Dorcas’ Facebook? Perhaps they did meet before?

“You don’t remember us, do you?” The shorter blonde fellow said. His hair was better than the other bloke’s.

“Oh, I’m heartbroken.” That came from the most beautiful human Remus ever set his eyes on. He was just as tall as Remus, maybe just a little shorter and Remus was tall. He had silky black hair was pulled back in a low ponytail. His eyes were the most piercing blue that Remus had seen. This bloke’s jawline could cut glass if needed and his lips were just perfectly pouty. “We made out at Jamie’s 19th.”

Remus suddenly remembered that. How could he forget making out with…shite what was his name? Oh! Sirius. The bloke with the messy hair was James and Peter was the shorter one. Now it was all coming back to him. “Oh, yeah, we did. Sorry, I was pretty pissed.”

“I can forgive.” Sirius smiled at him, preening a bit.

“Padfoot! You can’t snog our future roommate. Didn’t you know? That should be a house rule.” James waved his arms about.

“Sorry, he’s nice. I still think he should be our flatmate. Just because we kissed shouldn’t matter.” Sirius said in a matter of fact tone.

“Ah, right. I mean, if you’re offering I’d love to rent a room. I keep to myself and I’m quiet so I won’t be a bother. I also clean when I’m stressed out so your place will always be clean.” Remus said like it was no big deal that he was always a ball of stress and anxiety. “I also won’t kiss Sirius if you don’t want that.”

“No! I want the kisses if you’re giving them.” Sirius protested.

James just rolled his eyes.

“You don’t even know how much it is,” Peter said. “You rich? These two are.” He pointed between Sirius and James.

“My aunt is.” Remus was told whatever the price, she would fund it. All that matter was he finished school and got good grades. It made him uncomfortable but he would have nothing without her.

The three looked at each other and nodded. “Do you like parties?” James questioned.

“Ah, yes.”

“Good, we like to throw them. Pranks?” Peter leaned on the table.

“Yes.”

“Brilliant, I bet you’ve got good ideas. You look too innocent. That’s always a giveaway.” Sirius said.

*******  
**August 2009**

So, he ended up moving into the house in August two weeks before classes started after the summer break. It was an easy walk to campus, and it was a beautiful place. It didn’t look like four 19 year-olds lived there. Peter had drawn up a chore chart. James had strict rules on what drugs could be brought in the house (no opiates, no meth, no crack, no shrooms because he had a bad trip on those, and also label your damn edibles. And the list could be added to at any time by anyone in the house). Sirius had a picky grocery list. Remus just went with whatever he needed to.

They seemed like great blokes. Remus was happy that he listened to Dorcas because he was lonely. He didn’t like to admit it. The first night it was declared they’d unpack then the week would only be spent doing bonding with the each other. Remus was in his room unpacking his things and making his room his own when Sirius came knocked on the door. “Hey, Remus.”

“Hey,” Remus said. He felt the same funny feeling in his chest whenever he looked at Sirius for too long. It was desire, he knew it.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.” Remus nodded.

Sirius came in, closing the door behind him and sitting on the bed. “So, I know Jamie said no kissing when we originally met but he’s over it.”

“Is he now?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, but I want to kiss you. I know it’s weird but I’m — um, I’m a little weird I guess.”

Remus furrowed his brow. “What do you mean?” He set the books he had pulled out of his box aside.

“I’m asexual. Well, maybe demisexual. I’m still trying to figure things out. But I don’t fancy you that much yet to try to figure that out with you. But you kiss well and I love kissing. I could snog and cuddle someone all day but most people are not interested in just snogging and cuddling all day.” Sirius explained quickly. “Now that I sound mad, you probably no longer want to snog me.” He leaned back on his bed.

Remus was a bad gay, he thought. He should have stayed involved in that LGBT+ Group. He hadn’t heard these words before and didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry, I’m talking too much. I spent too much time back home and I don’t talk a lot there so when I sort of talk too much. I like being upfront about everything, as much as I can. I need to shut up. Sorry.”

“I’m not sure what asexual means, or demisexual. I’m so sorry if I’m ignorant. You don’t sound mad. I’m just under-informed.”

Sirius sorted a bit and joined Remus sitting on the floor. “Oh, normally people are put off by it when I sort of dump it on them. So, basically, I’m not interested in sex. I’m not completely put off by it. I had a boyfriend and we did have sex but only so often. It wasn’t something I wanted all the time and he got annoyed by it.”

“Oh,” Remus wasn’t sure what to say.

“I don’t want you to think that I’m interested in something that I’m not. I don’t want to lead you on.”

“So, just snogging?” Remus did like to kiss as well. He also liked cuddling with the right person.

“Yeah, I’m not even looking for a relationship. You can shag whomever you like. I like having someone close every so often and you’re very handsome.” He touched Remus’ face.

“You’re very honest.”

Sirius shrugged as he dropped his hand to his lap. “I’m a lot of things, Lupin, just you wait.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for a friend to pick me up and ended up editing another chapter for this. I had started this awhile ago so it's nice that I'm actually on to the rest of the plot now.

**May 2018**

A week after running into Sirius, Remus was waiting in line at his favorite coffee shop. It was on his way home from work and he needed a dose of caffeine because he promised Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, and James that they would meet for dinner then go out for some drinks. Back in uni that wouldn’t be any problem but now he could barely stay awake past ten most nights. If you told him that would be his life at 28 eight years ago, he would have laughed in your face. The sad part is they probably were not going to be out past 11:30, maybe 12.

He had spent the week following his run-in with Sirius trying very hard not to think Sirius Black. When he wasn’t too busy with the case he was working on, his mind would slip into thoughts about the past and how Sirius used to make him feel. He didn’t like the idea of people making him feel complete. That was such rubbish but for a long while he felt like Sirius completed him. He didn’t want to think about how he felt about him then, so he tried to divert his attention whenever his mind went down that road he went for a run if possible. He hadn’t gone on so many runs ever in his life. He was sure he was going to be able to run the London Marathon soon enough.

But of course, he couldn’t stay too far from Sirius because he was sitting in the corner table of the coffee shop. The other man looked up and gave a little wave to Remus. Remus sent him a nod with a forced smile. He wasn’t sure if he should go over to the table after he got his coffee. He hadn’t gone through any sort of protocol of this with anyone. All his other exes weren’t worth much to him. They were just there to fill a space in my bed or make him less lonely for a few weeks. Sirius wasn’t just there. He was everything to him for three years of his life.

Even though their relationship started off a bit odd, it grew quickly, deeply, and intensely. Remus wasn’t Sirius’ fuck buddy or booty call. He was a body in his bed but not in the usual way. They did spend a lot of time snogging but not touching too much. It was completely different from what Remus would have expected. But he liked it. Sirius just wanted intimacy, it seemed. He craved it, because he came from, what Remus came to learn, a loveless household. Remus needed the love too then because he had been left so many times in the past.

Once Remus had his coffee, he went over to the table where Sirius was sitting. The other man perked up, setting his phone down. He wasn’t in a suit, just jeans and a Florence + Machine t-shirt. “Ah, nice shirt,” Remus commented.

“Yes, you always said Florence spoke to something in you and I agreed but her new songs are really getting to me. I didn’t think I’d see you while wearing it, though. Just my luck. Or lack of.” Sirius snorted a laugh. “I um, I’m meeting Dora.”

“She prefers Tonks at the moment,” Remus said. Tonks changed which names she wanted to be called at the rate she changed her hair color. Tonks, Nym, Dora, Nymphadora, she tried N and Pha too. She blamed her mother for giving her such a ridiculous name.

“Oh, okay.” Sirius nodded. “She said you told her last week and after James got a hold of me, she demanded to get my contact information from him.”

“You’ve met with James? He hasn’t said anything?”

“Not yet. I’m honestly afraid he’s going to kill me. I’m going to his and Lily’s place tomorrow. I figured doing it privately will be better. James was always a shouter.”

“Still is.” Remus looked down at his coffee. “Er, I don’t really know what to say.”

“Neither do I.” Sirius pressed his lips together. “It’s weird because I’ve always been the one to say too much.”

“I know, we’ve gotten used to the silences.”

Sirius rubbed his neck.

“You’re looking, um, healthy.” Remus offered.

“My weight?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

Remus nodded.

“It’s under control. Not like, control because that was all I could control for a while. But, like, my ED has been and is being treated. I’ve been good for a just over a year now.”

“That’s good, I’m glad.” Remus really was glad, that wasn’t a lie. He always worried about Sirius’ health. He treated his body worse than Remus treated his own back then, which was pretty bad. “I should go.”

“I’m sorry this is so awkward,” Sirius said quickly. “I honestly never thought I’d see any of you nor was I sure if you’d want to see me. I’ve been in London for over seven months. Now I’ve run into you twice in the span of a week.”

“Well, the first one was completely a coincidence. This one, not as much. Tonks and I get coffee here all the time. Must of us do.”

“Us?”

“Our mates. There’s a few of us from Uni that are still friends. Some closer now than they were before.” Remus said. “Ah, I really should go. I’m meeting with some mates, actually.” Remus said, clearing his throat. He was feeling a bit anxious all of a sudden, like he finally realized that Sirius was back for good and he was talking to people in Remus’ life.

“All right, ah, Remus… could we— I mean, if you want — could we maybe talk one day?” Sirius asked.

“No, I don’t think so.” He shook his head and bit his lip. “I’m glad you’re talking to Tonks and James but we don’t need a conversation. I had no expectations of seeing you again after it all ended.”

“Right, I just thought — never mind. I can respect that.” Sirius nodded.

“Laterz,” Remus said before leaving like some idiot.

He was happy that Tonks didn’t see him on the way out because she was turning down the street as he left. He caught sight of her bright pink hair. Remus didn’t want to talk to anyone because he was afraid of what would come out. He could feel that constricting feeling in his throat like he was going to cry. To keep his mind off it he counted his steps.

 _51, 52, 53…_ Why was he so upset? The conversation was fine. It wasn’t as if Sirius had pleaded with him to come back. He didn’t even push Remus about sitting down and talking.

 _75, 76, 77…_ Sirius was doing well. He appeared to be happy and healthy. He was trying to do well for himself. He was attempting to rebuild the relationships that he had lost when he disappeared.

_108, 109, 110, 111, 112…_

Thankfully, he made it to his flat before he burst into tears. He set his coffee on the counter in his kitchen then just let out a harsh sob. Remus couldn’t understand why it affected him this way. He needed to see his therapist, he decided as he reached for the dishtowel to wipe his face. This wasn’t a reaction that was okay to have after talking to someone when you basically stuck to easy topics.

So, he got it together to call his therapist’s office to set an appointment for next week. Thankfully, her office was still open because he needed to be able to know that he was going to talk to someone about it. He hadn’t gone to therapy in a while because was doing okay and felt like he had things handled. When things got overwhelming or he was not feeling right, he went back more steadily. He was going to need to do that now. Sirius reentering was rocking his foundation more than he hoped the reappearance would do. His therapist, Poppy, would be able to help him figure out the best way to deal with it and get down to the bottom of why he was feeling this way.

After he got himself together (shower, meditate, an episode of Friends), Remus headed out to the restaurant that he was meeting his mates at. Remus hadn’t seen any of them over the week, purposely on his part. He knew that the conversation was going to revolve around Sirius for the most part. That may not be the best for him at the moment but he couldn’t stay in his flat alone until Gideon closed up the shop for the night. They had some special signing for a comic book going on until late. He debated going but he wasn’t into the comics, really, so it would have made Gid ask what was wrong.

Marlene and Dorcas were there before James and Lily. They were sitting at a table by the window so Remus saw him before he even made it into the restaurant because they couldn’t help themselves by making funny faces against the window. “Hey, hey, Moony!” Marlene said with a grin.

“James and Lily are late?” He asked, usually Lily got them everywhere on time.

“Yeah, they’re taking the tube and there’s some delay,” Dorcas answered. “So, how are you?” That was a loaded question, he could hear it in her voice.

“God, no one has asked me like that since after…” After he had overdosed.

It was entirely purposeful.  He didn’t think he should be living any longer. What was the point, he thought. It had nothing to do with Sirius. Okay, that was a lie but it wasn’t only about a little Sirius. It all boiled down to one point: Everyone always left. They died, they went away. He was up at Hogwarts all alone while his best mates had gone off to live and work in London. His mother was dead. His father didn’t want him. Aunt Amira had been diagnosed with cancer. He felt completely alone.

Thankfully, when he woke up in the hospital he found that Lily and James were coming up for a surprise visit. He realized that they still loved him and cared about him, which caused him to cry for about an hour. Once he was okay enough to go home, he decided to move to London and transfer schools. He lived with Lily, James, and Peter until Peter moved in with Em but they always visited Remus. Remus stayed with James and Lily until about a year ago. Effie and Monty, James’ parents check on him as if he was their own son. Tonks, the Weasley, the Prewetts (even before he dated Gid) were there. Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas loved him dearly. People cared and people were there. Not everyone left.

“Why are you all looking like that?” Lily appeared as if she had been talking James down from bouts of anger all week. She looked annoyed that she was going to have to talk Remus off something else now.

“Remus just thinks I asked him how he was doing in a way that made him think I thought he was going to try and kill himself again.” Dorcas said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I wasn’t saying that, Moony.”

“I know, it just felt like there was a lot of subtext.”

“Of course there was subtext, not that subtext. It’s because of Sirius.” Dorcas said as the waiter came over to the table. He wished more than anything that it was the bloke he had shagged before but of course it wasn’t. There was going to be no reprieve from this.

After everyone ordered a drink, they all sat in silence for a solid two minutes. It was as if no one knew what they wanted to say. “I’m not going to kill myself.”

“We know,” Lily said.

“Just wanted to make it clear.” Remus shook his head. “I ran into the bastard again today. He was meeting Tonks at our coffee shop.”

“Damn,” James said. “Sorry.”

“You’re seeing him tomorrow.” He looked to James and Lily.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to know,” James answered.

“Of course, I want to know because it involves you. Look, it’s not as if we ended things because we hated one another or he cheated or he was abusive or something. It was just something we agreed to do. We had to do.”

“That’s why I wasn’t sure. Do you still love him?” James questioned.

“How can I love anyone I haven’t seen in six years? Or someone who hasn’t known me since I’ve gotten my act together?”

“Good point,” Marlene said, putting an arm around his shoulders. “What’d he say?”

“Just that he was meeting Tonks now, James tomorrow. He’s been in London for over seven months too. He wanted to talk to me sometime and I told him no.” Remus didn’t want to talk about the eating disorder, that was Sirius’ thing. He wasn’t even sure if Dorcas and Marlene knew it was a thing.

“Seven months, shite.” Lil let out a long sigh.

James looked murderous again. “I’m going to kill him.”

“You won’t,” Remus said with an eye roll. “No matter how you feel, it’s not worth it to murder him.”

“Feels it at times.”

“You love him. He was your brother.” Lily reminded him, for what Remus was sure the millionth time in the last week. “Can we not let this bring us down? Let’s enjoy our meals then go out and have some fun.”

They listened to Lily because they always listened to Lily Evans. She was always the most level-headed in all situations. The rest of the night was free of talk about Sirius. They just had fun, like friends should on a Friday night. Remus felt his spirits picking up as well and it wasn’t because he had a few drinks.

When he got home, Gideon was there watching telly. They hadn’t moved in together but Gid frequented his flat. It never happened the other way around unless they got pissed and were closer to the place he shared with Fab. “Hello, love.” Remus sat down, draping his legs on top of his boyfriends.

“How was your night?” Gideon asked with a smile, taking off Remus’ shoes.

“Brilliant, I wish you could have come out with us.”

“Me too. But the event went well, we made a ton of money tonight.”

“I’m so proud of you.” Remus nudged his socked toe against Gideon’s crotch.

“Are you going to show me how proud?”

“If you must know.” Remus stood up and went towards the bedroom with Gideon following him.

So, his life was still normal under everything. Nothing was too thrown off. He had his close mates. He had Gideon. But something just was off kilter. He couldn’t wait to talk to Poppy about it.

 *******  
**December 2018**

Remus spent the first few months of his second year at university living in what seemed like a strange reality. The Marauder’s house (that’s what the boys came to call themselves) was a party spot. They were loud but James managed to control everything enough that cops were never called. Probably because of the fact that James and Sirius could charm the pants off of anyone, so they got to know their neighbors well. Also, parties were only held Thursday through Saturday and not every night or even every week. Sunday through Wednesday was reserved for studying or doing as you pleased somewhat quietly in the house. James was very strict with rules, especially for someone who partied as hard as he did. Except James was intense about studying and doing well.

Peter sold drugs, mostly weed and Adderall, so there was always anxious looking rich kids coming in and out on top of the parties. Remus learned to lock his bedroom whenever he wasn’t in it or wanted some privacy because he didn’t know these people. But, as was the trend with the Marauders, Peter was also a great student. He came from a poor family and sold to make money to live comfortably.

Sirius was interesting in his own way. He never seemed to stop talking, filling in all of the silences that he could with chatter. Remus liked it. He liked it when Sirius would crawl into his bed at some random time in the night or morning and snuggle him. He liked kissing Sirius, and cuddling him on the sofa when they would watch telly. But they weren’t dating. Remus had hooked up with other people, Sirius encouraging him to even go out with these people. Except as the weeks went on, he found himself only wanting to spend his time only with Sirius.

“Shite, this is some good stuff.” Sirius laid back in Remus’ bed after taking a hit of the joint he had just rolled. “Can I ask you about the scars?” He reached out to trace the long jagged scar on Remus’ forearm. “I mean, you can say no. It’s just, we’ve been doing this for two and a half months now and I don’t even know anything about you. Except for your name, birthday, you live with your aunt, you’re part Pakistani, you like to read, and you can drink Jamie under the table.”

“I don’t like talking about myself,” Remus said before taking the joint out of Sirius’ fingers.

“Neither do I,” Sirius said. “I know I talk a lot but how much is actual information to have to do with me and who I am deep down?”

Remus considered that, putting the joint to his lips. After being upfront about the exceptions to what he wanted with Remus, Sirius never really talked about himself. He did talk a lot but it was always surface stuff or about others or random trivia or other bits of information.

“I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours,” Sirius said as Remus sat back against his pillows.

He never talked about anything. He kept everything to himself. The idea of opening up to someone was terrifying. The vulnerability was something utterly foreign to him. Aunt Amira had sent him to talk to someone after he got settled in with her but he just sat in silence each session. For some reason he felt like he could tell Sirius, as if the man would understand. “The scars are from a car accident. Ah, I lost my mum in it.”

Sirius frowned and reached down to squeeze Remus’ hand, “I’m sorry. How old were you?”

“16. I was driving. A lorry was going the wrong way and I didn’t see it soon enough.”

“Shite.”

Remus didn’t say anything else, waiting for Sirius to speak.

“I’m not really me. I mean, okay… so — uh — back home this isn’t who I am. My parents are super traditional. Mother is Thai, from Bangkok and Father’s from here. They hate everyone who isn’t rich, white or Asian — well depends on the type of Asian, and straight. They have a lot of expectations for me and I always manage to fuck them all up. But I don’t really know why or how I do it. I mean, just being me is enough. I’m fucked up because I’m gay and ace. I can’t tell them that because it would just be too much.”

“You’re not fucked up.” Remus leaned on his arm so he could look over Sirius.

“It feels like I am.” Sirius’ face crumbled a little then he grabbed the joint. “They’ll want me to marry and have babies when I graduate. They’ll want me to take all these responsibilities.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know. They have controlled my whole life. I don’t have any control over anything. It’s lucky I’m here. I met Jamie in boarding school but I couldn’t finish my whole time there because I got into too much trouble. I think they’re letting me have like a few years of freedom before I — fuck.” Sirius had tears in his eyes. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Remus shook his head before wiping away a few tears that had rolled down his cheeks. Remus had never felt for someone as he felt for Sirius. He understood his pain. Remus had pain too, it was different but he got it. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through.”

“It’s, it’s okay. I mean, I’m far away from them for now. I have a few more years to be me. Then I’ll, I don’t know. I guess I have to figure it out when I get there.”

Remus kissed him on the forehead.

“Remus,” Sirius said with some hesitance.

“Yeah?”

“I fancy you. I want to be your boyfriend but I don’t… I still don’t know about the sex part.”

“Whatever you want, Sirius,” Remus reassured him. “I want you too.”

“You really do?” He looked surprised as if Remus was completely mad for wanting him.

“Yes, you’re amazing.”

“There’s so much you don’t know about me.”

“There’s still plenty you don’t know about me either and you still want me.”

“How could I not want you? Everything about you is fantastic.” Sirius whispered.

*******

Sirius told Remus he had an eating disorder, it was a few days after they confessed some of their secrets to one another and made their relationship official. In those days nothing much had changed between them. It was just known now that Remus wasn't going off and shag someone else and Sirius wouldn’t snog some random bloke at a party. Remus also felt a little less guarded around Sirius now. They did trade secrets back and forth.

The Marauders had gone out to eat at an all you can eat buffet before the split up for their winter term break. Sirius ate, but not like the others who stuffed themselves to the point of not being able to move from their seats. While they were sitting there, miserable, Sirius excused himself for the bathroom. The other two were on their phones so neither seemed to notice that Sirius was taking a while. Remus did, of course so he went to make sure he was okay.

When he got into the restroom he first saw Sirius’ feet sticking out of stall from underneath than he heard him get sick. He obviously thought that Sirius was ill. The fact he barely ate and now was getting sick pointed to some stomach bug. “Padfoot,” Padfoot was the Marauder’s nickname for him. They all had one. Remus was Moony thanks to his werewolf name. “Are you all right? James just paid so that we can leave.”

“Oh, yeah, yep.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Just give me a minute.”

“Are you sick? Do you need anything?”

“I’ll be okay. I just need a minute.” Remus conceded, not thinking much about it. Maybe Sirius was embarrassed that Remus heard him getting sick. So he went back to the table and told the other men Sirius was ill. Suddenly said they also felt ill and it must be the food. Mass hysteria, Remus rolled his eyes at the other two as Sirius emerged. He hair was now in a bun and he looked pale.

“You all right Pads?”

“Yeah, just, I think it was the shrimp.”

“Don’t say that, I had like twenty.” Peter groaned, standing up.

“Same here.”

As they were leaving, Remus put an arm around Sirius’ waist and went to kiss him on the cheek but he pushed him away. “I’m gross.”

“You’re just vomity, I don’t mind. It’s not like we’re making out.” Remus shrugged but he kept his distance, as Sirius asked.

“You two are both disgusting,” James said.

“That’s homophobic.” Peter countered, mostly jokingly.

“Just them are disgusting. Anyone else can make out with whoever they please.” James cleared up.

They made it back to the house without anyone losing their dinner, thankfully. Remus and James went to study for their Bio final in the living room that was the next day. It was their last one, fortunately. Peter and Sirius went to their own rooms. Remus didn’t think that anything was weird. Sirius said he was feeling a little better after the fresh air on the walk home. So, he spent a few hours revising but headed to his room when he started to get tired.

Sirius came into his room as he was settling in for bed. That wasn’t strange in itself but it was strange that he was just hovering between the door and the bed. Remus was wondering if he worried about getting ill in Remus’ room. “You can keep the bin by your head if you need it.”

“No, Remus. I… I want to tell you something because we seem to tell each other things. Like you told me about your parents and being in foster care for a bit and how you wanted to die and I — I told you about my parents and all that and my brother.”

Remus nodded, not sure what was going to come out of Sirius’ mouth. What else could be added? How much could two people so young have to suffer through?

“I think — I mean, I know— I have an eating disorder.”

Remus wasn’t sure what to say, so he let Sirius have the floor.

“I’m not ill, I wasn’t put off by the shrimp. I just, I feel like I ate too much. I don’t have much in my life I can control but I can — I can control that. And it’s easy for me. I know what I’m doing and what I need and what I can’t have. It’s my rules. It’s not healthy, but I don’t think much I do is healthy.”

Remus understood that. Nothing he did was very healthy either. “What do you need from me?”

“Just — don’t tell James. He’ll worry. Same with Peter. They don’t know or if they do they’ve never said. I’m fine, really. I just — I don’t know.”

“Okay.” Remus nodded.

That was the first night Sirius and Remus had sex. It wasn’t exactly romantic but it’s what Sirius wanted, and Remus aimed to please. If he were thinking, he would have told Sirius no and they should have talked more about his eating disorder. Remus should have asked more questions about how to help. He should have done a lot of different things. Instead he let Sirius fall into his arms and let Sirius do as he pleased and gave Sirius exactly what he wanted.

He would do whatever Sirius wanted, probably. That was a scary thought to have.


	3. Chapter 3

**May 2018**

Remus spent all of Saturday morning attempting to take his mind off of Sirius and what was going to happen when he met with James. When he was back at uni, it would have been spent getting high or drunk out of his mind. Then after his suicide attempt, there wasn’t much free time because his friends were obsessed with showing Remus how much they loved and cared about him. Eventually, he had downtime and enjoyed most of it by reading, watching tv, or just finding different things to do. He liked the downtime most days. This was a moment he needed something to take his mind off things that weren’t spent alone. He needed to bide his time until he saw Poppy on Thursday.

So, once he was ready he headed over to the Prewett’s shop, Zonko’s Vinyl and Comic, just after noon. He was hoping someone would want to grab lunch with him if they had a moment and hadn’t eaten. Fabian was behind the cash wrap, skimming through some pamphlet while Bill was checking someone out. There were a handful of people in the shop browsing the selection of music and comics or chatting with friends. Remus hoped he wasn’t intruding too much if it were busy.

Gid always told him to come and hang around if he were bored. He tried not to make it too much of a habit because it was his place of work. It wasn’t as if Gideon was coming to Remus’ office all the time.

“Hey, Lupin,” Fabian said with a smile when he realized that Remus walked in the door.

“Hey Fab, is my boyfriend actually working? Or is he making Charlie do his job?” Remus laughed and Bill chuckled after saying goodbye to his customer. The Prewetts always seemed to have one of their nieces or nephews from their older siblings’ spawn (Normally a Weasley) in the shop working. “You know, your nephews here have real jobs they do during the week. I’m sure they’re not always looking to work when they come to see you.”

“One runs around playing with animals.” He scoffed as if Charlie just ran around with puppies all day.

“He’s a vet!”

“This one builds things.”

“Yes, an engineer. What a horrible job. I better be careful, you might put me to work too. I’m sure there’s some joke about a barrister, a vet, and an engineer slinging vinyl.” Remus scoffed as another person came to the cash wrap. “So, is he out back?”

“Ah, he’s chatting with Tonks, Charlie and, um Regulus in the office.” Fabian looked a little uncomfortable. He assumed that Gideon had shared with him that Remus didn’t want anything to do with Sirius at the moment.

“You got to be fucking kidding me,” Remus muttered. He had come here to get away from the shite and of course, he runs into Regulus. He liked Reg, that wasn’t a problem. The problem was the younger Black made him think of the older one. “Really?”

“Problem? You love Regulus.” Fab made a face.

“No, no, it’s nothing. I do love Reg. He’s great. It’s just I was trying to avoid all things Black and well…” Remus said.

“Sounds racist.” Bill quipped and Remus rolled his eyes.

“You know what I mean.”

He went off to find his boyfriend and the others in the backroom. He did love Regulus. He was sweet and was always good for a sarcastic comment. Reg looked so happy that he was finally able to be himself now, for good, without having to worry about what was going to happen when his parents found out. Remus had no idea how he lived with his parents misgendering him and calling him his deadname all the time. But he managed to make it out. Now he was looking very excited while talking to Tonks, Bill, and Gideon in the office. Remus was sure Regulus was spending a lot of time talking to professionals, he could understand that.

Regulus’ hair was cut into an undercut but fairly short on the top. He also now had an eyebrow piercing, which Remus was sure an act of rebellion to reclaim his skin again. He was sitting next to Tonks on the old beat up sofa in the corner while Bill was leaning against the column in the middle of the room. Gideon was sitting on the chair by the desk but he stood up to hug Remus when he came in. “Hi, love.”

“Hi, Remus!” Tonks said happily.

“Hello everyone. Regulus, how are you?” Remus asked when Gid let go of him.

“Good, it seems like you’re happier to see me than Sirius from what I’ve heard.” Reg snickered. “I told him to contact everyone so many bloody times but he wouldn’t. So, I followed his lead because it was stressing him out. But I’m glad that you all don’t seem to hate me as much as you hate him.”

“We don’t hate him. We’re very fucking angry with him but he had his reasons.” Tonks answered, clearly trying to come to terms with whatever she and Sirius had discussed the day before. “We love you. You can do no wrong. We love Sirius too but he’s a fucking idiot sometimes.”

“I can’t believe you ran into Sirius twice, bloody hell. I’m sorry that happened.” Regulus shook his head, looking at Remus.

“Twice?” Gideon made a face. “We only saw him once, last week.”

“Oh, I ran into him yesterday at Puddifoot’s,” Remus bit his lip. He had never told Gideon about running into the man at the coffee shop the previous day. By the time he got home last night, he didn’t want to talk about the incident. He wanted to spend time with Gideon without having to think about Sirius because he was just sick of thinking about Sirius.

“Reggie, there’s this comic I want to show you,” Tonks said, standing up, feeling the shift in mood at the moment.

“Great! I love comics.” Reg spoke eagerly.

“Yep, yeah, that one you were talking about earlier, right Tonks? I’ll go with you.” Charlie said, following the other two out of the room.

“Not obvious, you bastards,” Gideon shouted after them. “It’s not a big deal, Remus. You don’t have to hide it from me that you saw Sirius. You’re going to make it a bigger deal by not telling me.”

“If I saw him on purpose, I would tell you. He was as Puddifoot’s waiting for Tonks when I stopped in for a coffee.” Remus explained. “I’m sorry, I should have said something.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“Ah, yeah, I did. He was saying how he’s meeting with James today and at that time he was seeing Tonks. He asked if he could talk to me one day.” He didn’t feel like he should bring up the fact that he burst into tears when he got home. That wasn’t something that’s easy to explain because he still couldn’t understand why he had started sobbing. Remus also did not need someone speculating why he was crying unless he was looking for their professional opinion.

Gideon frown, “You said no didn’t know?”

“I just don’t see the point.” Remus shrugged. “Why do you want me to talk to him? He’s my exboyfriend, which I used to love a lot.”

“Because you loved each other so much then is the reason why you should talk. You need to, I don’t know, close it or something.”

“We closed it six years ago, love. It’s fine.” Remus reached for one of Gideon’s hand. “I’m so happy with you and with my life right now. I don’t want anything different.”

“I know. I just want the best for you, Remus.” Gideon leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.

“If it makes you feel it any better, I’m going to talk to Poppy about it all.” He told his boyfriend. “I know that it’s probably not normal for something like this to happen. I don’t know what to do with it all. What happens if he comes back into our lives? Am I supposed to be friends with him?”

Gideon smiled, “That’s a good idea. I’m sure she’s full of knowledge to help you out. But, love, you have to be a little more open with me about this.”

“I know, I know.” Remus wrapped his arms around him. “I think I’m going to see if Reg wants to get lunch.”

“That’s nice of you.”

Remus figured the best way to ease into any possibility of having to have Sirius in his life, he better start with Reg. Regulus was safe, he didn’t love Reg at any point. He never was consumed by love when he was in the man’s presence. Maybe he could find out more of what was happening in the Black Brother’s lives. “I’ll probably stop by Prongs’ place later to see if he needs help cleaning up a crime scene. I’ve read enough mystery books. I reckon I could get rid of a body if needed.”

Gideon snorted a laugh, “I love you. I’ll see you later, have a good day.”

Remus kissed him one more time before going out into the store to find Tonks, Charlie, and Regulus. They were near the new release records, talking quietly. When they saw Remus, they all stopped and stood up straight. It wasn’t hard to guess what their topic was. “I thought you were checking out the new comic.” He scoffed.

“Tonks wanted—”

“Are you two okay? Did I put my foot in it? I’m sorry.” Regulus looked very concerned.

“It is my own bloody fault that I didn’t mention what happened, Reg. I didn’t think it was relevant but it was. Don’t worry. We’re fine.” He assured the group. “Are you all up for a late lunch? My treat.”

“See, I always said you were the best of the older ones.” Regulus nodded. “Better big brother than Sirius. I remind him of that all the time.”

They all laughed. On the way out the door, they invited Bill but he was too busy helping the twins with the shop. Tonks promised to bring him leftovers. There was another couple the Remus hoped would tie the knot eventually. They were just so cute together. Remus wondered if the others looked at Gideon and him and thought the same things. He wouldn’t mind marrying Gideon, he didn’t think at least. They never really talked about it before. He never really thought about marriage before.

Lunch was nice. Remus was glad that he invited everyone out with him. Regulus told them about how he worked for his shitty parents for three years, trying to be something he wasn’t. He said both he and Sirius wanted to take over the business and change it so they tried to suffer through. But eventually it just got too much for Regulus. He didn’t get too in depth about it but Remus could tell it weighed on him heavily. He assured them all that he was happy finally and since leaving the company about a year ago, he’d gone to therapy to help him. He was also scheduled to have his top surgery in a five weeks time. Tonks declared they’d have a party to celebrate.

The younger Black didn’t comment much on Sirius during those years. Reg just mentioned him here and there. Remus wondered if that was for his benefit or if it was because Sirius had his own stories to tell. Knowing Regulus, it was probably the latter. Remus wanted to know what happened in the last six years to Sirius. He was afraid to ask and find out at the same time.

As they were finishing up, Reg’s mobile pinged with a new text. “It’s Sirius. He’s nearly done talking to James. We’ve something to get to.”

“James doesn’t live far from here,” Remus said. “I could show you where he is if you were going to meet up with him. I was going to go over there anyway.”

“That’d be great, thanks, Remus. Just make sure you tell Gideon you saw Sirius again.”

“Bugger off.” He shot Regulus a look as Tonk and Charlie laughed.

Remus walked with Reg the short distance from their lunch spot to James’ and Lily’s flat. They chatted about how much Reg missed London then after a long pause, “Er if you don’t mind me saying, it seems like you go it all together now.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say altogether. I’m sure there are still pieces I’m working on.” Remus scoffed. The piece he was working on was trying to figure out if he could fit Sirius back into his life or not. “After Sirius left things were tough. Not just because your brother and I had broken up. I was alone and I finally had to deal with all the shite I had been through in the past. Sirius was — I guess he was an excellent distraction for me back then.”

“You distracted him from a lot too. Is that why you don’t want to talk to him?”

Remus shrugged, of course, that was why Remus didn’t want to talk to him. He couldn’t go back down that way again. It was horrible.

“He’s different now so that you know. He’s clean. Never has more than two drinks in a sitting. He still smokes like a chimney when he’s stressed but he wants to quit eventually.” Regulus said as they stepped inside James’ building. “He’s been in therapy, even before we left the family. He meets with a dietitian.”

“That’s good, I’m glad.”

“He’s actually bit boring now. He doesn’t know how to have fun. Tonks said the same thing about you.”

Remus frowned, not sure what to say to that. He guessed that he was a bit boring but what was he supposed to do? He worked hard, read, hung around low-key with his friends and boyfriend. What more could people want from him? He was nearing 30 and his late teens through his early twenties were filled with too much fun.

They got up to the flat and Remus let himself in with his key. “Honey, I’m home.”

“Hi, darling!” James called out.

“So, did you murder Sirius and just text Reg using his mobile?” Remus asked as he and Reg went towards James’ voice in the living room.

“No, I’m alive,” Sirius said as they came into the kitchen. The man in question had a bag of frozen peas on his eye and the beginning of a fat lip. James had a cut on his cheek.

“Well, I did say not murder him.” Remus sighed. “Are you going to press any charges? I don’t want to have to represent James in court.”

“No, I deserved it. It’s fine.” Sirius shook his head.

“They’re going to survive. The both of them.” Lily said with a sigh. She seemed somewhat frazzled, but he was sure that she made sure the situation was somewhat calm. “Although I was a little worried there for a few minutes.”

Sirius looked at his phone before setting the peas down on the table. “We’ve got to get to that yoga class.”

“With that face? You’re going to scare everyone.” Reg moved closer to his brother.

“It’s fine.”

“You’re doing yoga?” James asked.

“We’re starting a line of athletic wear for trans people,” Regulus explained. “We’re doing product testing.” He held up a small duffle bag his was carrying.

“Ah, thanks for watching Regulus. I didn’t even ask.” Sirius joked hesitantly, standing up from the chair he was sitting on.

“Someone had to do it.” Remus surprised himself with a reply.

“Oi, I’m 25 — almost 26, I do not need watching.”

“What were you really doing? Did you run into each? If so, what luck you have, Lupin.” Sirius asked, moving slowly in the direction of the door.

“I was at the Prewett’s shop to meet up with Tonks. Remus treated us to lunch. Like the good replacement big brother that he is.” Regulus laughed. “They had a lot of vegan options too.”

“Great, you’ll have to keep the place in mind,” Sirius said before looking to James and Lily. “So, we’ll do dinner with the family next Sunday?”

“Mum will murder you if you don’t show. She won’t go easy on you as I did.” James pointed a finger.

“Thanks, James. I’m sorry, for the hundredth time. Lily, you too.”

“We know.” Lily smiled and James nodded.

“Ah, Remus,” He cleared his throat.

“Can you two please talk?” Regulus looked between them, sounding like a child that wanted his parents to get along.

“Keep your nose out of it, Reggie.” Sirius shook his head. “See you all.”

The Brothers Black left and Lily and James sat down at the small kitchen table. “So, how’d it go?” Remus questioned, joining them. He pushed the bag of peas in James’ selection.

“I’m happy he’s back,” James said. “He’s changed. In a good way, but he’s still Sirius. Just like you’re still Remus.”

Remus bit his lip, “He’s coming back into our lives for good?”

“Think so,” Lily said.

“I don’t want to talk to him. Like, I do but I still don’t see the point of sitting down and having it out. There’s nothing we have to sort through.”

“Don’t you want to know what he’s been doing these last few years?”

Remus shrugged, “He told me that he’s happy and healthy. Reg’s good. That’s great. If he’s back then that’s fine.” He was worried that it wasn’t going to be fine but he didn’t want to talk to James and Lily about that. Poppy was going to be a good source for help with this. She was unbiased, unlike his friends who just wanted everything to be the way they were. Or, well, sort of were. Remus doubted they wanted him and Sirius to go back to how they used to be completely.

 *******  
**April 2010**

“Want to drop Molly and shag?” Sirius asked.

“It’s one in the afternoon on a Tuesday.” Remus was bored out of his mind so it was not a horrible idea to him. He just thought he should make it appear like he was less of a mess than to be a person who would drop Molly on an afternoon in the middle of the week. Both of his classes were done for the day, and he had nothing impending to be done for once in his life.

“So? We’re bored and I think we’ve seen this program three times already. The same bloody one is always on.”

“Aren’t you supposed to do it at a club?” Remus said as if he had done it in that very house a few weeks before.

“We could drop acid. I don’t know about shagging with that. Could be interesting. Never done it.” Sirius offered.

“I don’t like acid.” Remus had a weird experience on it the other month. James suggested it should be added to the Not Allowed List. Remus said he was fine with it in the house. Remus was always surprised at James’ concern with the Not Allowed List. The man didn’t do any drugs, now at least, outside of some weed occasionally from what Remus came to understand.

“We could do a few lines of coke and shag.”

“Let’s do the Molly.” Remus liked cocaine, but he worried that he wanted it a bit too much sometimes so he made a choice to only do it every so often.

“Great, I’ll go rummage through Peter’s stash. He said he had some because there’s that trash EDM show next week.” Sirius pushed himself off Remus’ bed and headed out.

Remus stayed on his bed, watching the DIY program that they had on. As he sat there, Sirius’ phone kept buzzing. He decided not to look at it because it wasn’t his business. It was probably James anyway. If it were important, Sirius would deal with it later.

When Sirius came back he had a few bottles of water and a baggie of pills in his arms. Remus only took half because that’s what he had done in the past but Sirius took a full tablet. They sat around snogging a little, just waiting. He always disliked waiting for the high. He liked when it just happened right away. It almost made him anxious waiting.

Soon enough it hit him like a wonderful wave of bliss. It was as if he was floating on air. It only was made better by the fact that he and Sirius were together. Each touch sent electricity through his body. Sometimes he wished that it could always be this way. If it were he’d get nothing done. Time slipped by slowly for him but in the best way possible.

For however long they were having sex, it was the most glorious time he could remember having in a long time. All the touches were slow and lingering. All the kisses were searing. Being inside Sirius was almost overwhelming. “You always have good ideas. You’re so beautiful.” Remus kissed, rolling his hips just the tiniest bit. “So fucking beautiful and you’re mine.”

“Oh, Moony, you’re so good to me,” Sirius grinned lazily, holding on to Remus’ hips.

“Where the bloody fuck have you been?” James’ voice boomed from the hallway and soon the door flew open.

Remus pulled out of Sirius quickly and sat back. He looked at the clock and it was somehow 4 pm. He was not sure where the time went. “Mate, just… relax.” Sirius said, sitting up slowly.

“Your brother! You left him at the fucking airport!”

“My — what?” Sirius furrowed his brow as if he forgets that he had a sibling. Remus was also very confused. He remembered Sirius had a sibling but he didn’t understand why he was here.

“Regulus, you mutter fucking messy moron! What are you on?”

“MD,” Remus said, feeling like he was coming down. He reached for a bottle of water. James never got too angry. This was a first for him to see.

“It’s a Tuesday afternoon! Fucking hell, you two are — fuck.” James just shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “Don’t you remember he’s out here to see the campus. You’re supposed to take care of him. Luckily, he still had my number. Peter and I are going to take Reg out to the store to make sure we have food he can have. He’s vegan and we have some things but… god, can’t you just get it together for him? For once in your fucking life.”

Remus chewed at the inside of his cheek. He didn’t like how James was looking at him and Sirius. Like they were the biggest fuck-ups in life. He would be hard-pressed not to agree with the man. “How long?”

“What?” Remus felt like he had missed something when he was thinking

“When did you start rolling?” James clarified.

“At, like 1:30.”

“How much?”

“I took half and he took a full,” Remus answered, not feeling as euphoric anymore.

“Drink some water, take some diazepam — Sirius is supposed to take it in general but — and I’ll buy you lot some magnesium, drink some orange juice, and smoke some weed. Good weed, not the shite weed. A nap too.”

Remus nodded as Sirius laughed on the other side of the bed. “James, you don’t even do this stuff. How do you know?” He asked.

“Because I’ve babysat Sirius enough at boarding school and now here.” Remus suddenly understood that the Not Allowed List was more for Sirius than it was for anyone else. “If I knew Reg—”

“Don’t worry, Remus, this isn’t your fault,” James assured him before leaving the room.

Remus rubbed his eyes then shook his head. Sirius’ handmade it way over to his lap. “Stop,” Remus pushed his hand away. “You need to come down. Your brother is here. You never told me he was going to be visiting.”

“He’ll keep.” Sirius moved to straddled Remus but he stopped him.

“Stop, Sirius.”

“I didn’t come.”

“Neither did I. Use your hand. I’m not in the mood anymore.”

“You’re so boring,” Sirius complained as Remus got out of bed and began to get dressed. He felt dizzy but he needed a shower and to try to get his head on straight.

A few hours later, Sirius was napping and Remus was fighting a headache on the sofa when James and Peter came home with Regulus in tow.

He had heard a lot of Sirius’ brother. He was trans and his parents refused to accept it. Sirius, on the other hand, helped his brother with anything he could. He bought him clothes, called him by his chosen name and preferred pronouns, and took the heat off of I’m by being the center of their attention. Remus also knew that Regulus was going to be coming out to study at Hogwarts next year, but he was going to be staying in the dorms.

“Hi, Regulus, nice to meet you. I’m Remus.” Remus said, standing up from the sofa when the three came in.

“Boyfriend. Right, nice to meet you. Is Sirius still high?” He asked, a little exasperated. He was shorter than Sirius and his face was a little rounder but they had the same nose and smile.

“He’s sleeping. I don’t think he’s high anymore.” Remus said. “I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be. Not your fault. He probably forgot I was coming because he sucks.” Regulus shook his head.

“I was going to make some salads. Do you want some Moony?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Remus enjoyed dinner with Regulus. He wasn’t feeling great but that was fine. He was used to feeling like shite so it was easy to soldier through it. Sirius didn’t come down to dinner at all. If it bothered Regulus too much, he didn’t act as it did. The younger Black talked about how excited he was to get away from his parents for four years. He didn’t get to enjoy a boarding school as Sirius did. Remus hoped that it would be good for him.

When dinner ended, Remus went up to bed, where Sirius was awake. He was staring at the ceiling, looked sullen.

“Does he hate me?”

“Why don’t you go talk to him yourself?” Remus suggested. “Why didn’t you say he was coming?”

“I don’t know. I — just… I need to protect him so much at home. I worried I’m going to do the same here. I want him to be able to be himself and…”

“That doesn’t mean you should ignore him right now. He needs you because you’re his big brother. Hogwarts is very accepting and hopefully, everything works out here.”

“I want him to be better than me. I’m a horrible influence. For Christ sakes, we were rolling at two in the afternoon on a Tuesday.” Sirius put a hand over his face.

“Maybe we should just stick to doing Molly on weekends and only once in a blue moon.”

“Yeah, good idea.” Sirius groaned. “I feel like shite. I should go apologize to Reg. He’s staying in my room.”

“You go do that,” Remus said. “He’s great, by the way.”

“I know. He’s already better than me.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide attempt (not graphic)
> 
> Also, I said Remus was a solicitor before if you’re reading this before I fixed it. I meant barrister. Sorry, UK people I got confused.

**May 2018**

Remus tapped his foot on the floor. The appointment before his was going long and he was beyond anxious. It was now Thursday and his week had been Sirius-less for the time being. Following their conversation, James and Lily wouldn’t disclose too much about Sirius’ life back in Bangkok over the last years. They said it was all his story to tell but James was well on his way to forgiving him. Lily agreed but looked slightly worried about what Remus was feeling. He brushed it off and said that it was all fine. It wasn’t all fine though because it was stressing him out and he didn’t know what to do about it.

Typically, he would be looking forward to relaxing over the weekend because the week had been long and busy. Not only was he stressed about Sirius popping up at every turn but he had a lot going on at work. He had taken on another case, which was probably not a good idea since his head wasn’t really in it. But he would get the work done because he always did. No matter how he felt, he always managed to get his academic and career needs taken care of. On top of that, he was wondering if Dorcas and Marlene were going to invite either Black Brother out with them on Saturday to a free concert. He hoped Poppy would have some sage advice and insight into what he should be doing or how he should be acting.

After five more minutes of waiting for the person what was in Poppy’s office left so she invited him in. He took a seat and she asked him how he was doing, what was new, and so on as she got ready for him. Remus always felt at ease when he was in Poppy’s office. It felt warm and comforting. She also still had chocolate in a dish on the table by the chair he sat in.

When she took a seat with her pen and paper, he was ready to spill everything. “So, Sirius is back.” Remus scratched behind his ear.

Poppy tilted her head to the side but her expression remained neutral. “I haven’t seen you in sometime, when did he come back into your life?”

“Ah, two weeks ago now. I thought I’d be fine with it except that is not the case. Gideon and I saw him when we were waiting to be seated for dinner two Fridays ago and Gid called him over.”

“Yes, he loves being loved by everyone. We talked about that before.” She chuckled.

“Yes, well, it was a quick conversation mainly between Gideon and Sirius but I could tell Sirius wanted to talk more. I didn’t. But I told James and he got upset and went off to find Sirius over that week. In that time I ran into Sirius again and — I — he told me that he had received help for his ED and then asked me if we could sit down and have a conversation but I turned him down again. Before I tell you what happened after that I’d also like to point out that James talked to him and they’re on their way to being mates once more. Tonks also talked to him and they’re back on good terms. I believe he hung out with Marlene and Dorcas the other day and he saw Peter today. He’s going to be having Sunday dinner at the Potter’s house this week. So, he’s now a permanent fixture again.”

“What happened after you sort of talked with Sirius at the coffee shop? Let’s go back and finish that.” She pressed, knowing that that was where the problem laid.

“I felt this flood of anxiety and all the way home I wanted to cry. Then I sobbed when I got into my flat. I didn’t even tell Gideon I ran into Sirius at first but when I went to the shop the day after Reg, Sirius’ brother, was there and he said something about me bumping into Sirius twice. So I had to tell him but I couldn’t explain to him how I cried after I saw him.”

“Mmm, do you know why Iyoucried?”

“No, I don’t know.”

“You were feeling anxious, right?” Poppy asked.

“Yeah. I don’t cry because of anxiety though.”

She nodded. “There’s a root cause. How are you really feeling Remus? What’s causing this anxiety?”

“I don’t know. I think — I think I’m worried because I don’t want to go back to how things were before. He was just everything to me when I had nothing. I was consumed by him and he was just another distraction to all that shite in the past. I don’t want to backslide.”

“Maybe you should talk to him about these concerns.”

“I can’t date him.” Remus made a face

“I’m not saying you should date him.” She corrected him. “What I’m suggesting is talk to him about how you’re feeling about him coming back. I doubt he has any type of expectations that you’re going to jump at a chance to be with him in any way. He probably wants to talk to you because he’s eager to fall back into your group of friends. To fall back into your friend group, he knows that you two are going to have at least be… well, friendly.”

“But what do I even say? How do I go about doing this stuff?”

“In whatever way makes you comfortable. That’s the only rule there is.” Poppy said.

“Comfortable, right. Not sure I’m comfortable with anything at the moment.”

“Then maybe be around him for a little while without any expectations on yourself. Go to things that he’s going to be at. Become comfortable with the idea of talking to him one on one. Remus, go at your own pace. There are no set rules. You need to make them. But go out and talk about things, don’t let it sit. When you let everything sit before, that’s when it was a problem.”

Remus nodded.

“Stick to group settings until you’re ready to sit with him alone. You’ll know when you’re ready, Remus. You just have to listen to what your mind and body are telling you. You’re not the same person who feels like they’re broken and useless like you were when you started to see me ages ago. You’ve grown in leaps and bounds. You have so many tools that I know you can use.”

Poppy was right. When he didn’t talk about his problems, then things were not good. Even when he did speak to Sirius, it wasn’t like they were doing anything to fix them. They were not practicing mindfulness or coming up with ideas of how to make things better. They would get high and make out or maybe have sex depending on how Sirius was feeling. Plus, he only exchanged his misery with Sirius, he never talked to anyone else about it. James and Lily were shocked when Remus told them about his dad leaving their family or his mum dying while he was driving the car the day after he tried to kill himself. How was that okay after knowing James for over three years and Lily for two?

When he went home Gideon had made him dinner so they ate and Remus told him what he talked to Poppy about. He needed to be open. He couldn’t lose the relationship with Gideon because he closed himself off. He also couldn’t lose his friendships because he was scared to talk to Sirius. He needed to work figure things out, no matter how long it was going to take. He hoped that everyone would understand.

*******

  
“You know, I haven’t heard of any of these bands. Am I getting that old now?” Remus said, looking at the event’s listing on facebook that Kew Gardens had on Facebook. He was sat in their Uber with Gideon and Tonks on the way there.

“No, that’s just why it’s free.” Tonks laughed. “It’s supposed to be a nice day out of the house. You won’t be worrying about any cases. Maybe we’ll get a tan. If anything, we can enjoy a few ciders outside while listening to some okay music with our mates. We can also look around the gardens if you fancy.”

“You have such little adventure in your life these days,” Gideon said, putting an arm around him.

Remus wanted to retort by saying he was having plenty of adventure today just by going to the same place Sirius was. It was giving him plenty of anxiety. He didn’t need adventure. His heart rate was getting up as it was. “Maybe we should go away on holiday, then,” Remus said. “That’d be a nice adventure.”

“I’m not against that.”

“Oh! I saw a trip— wait, just you two. Sorry, not a friend holiday trip. That’s a boyfriend thing.” Tonks made a face.

“Ask Bill to take you on whatever trip you were going to talk about,” Remus said as their car stopped. “I’m sure he’d be for it.”

Tonks lead them through the gardens until they came to the area where the free concert was. She spotted Marlene, Dorcas, and Sirius sitting on a blanket to the far left of the stage, far enough back so they could still chat without not being able to hear one another over the music. Dorcas was sporting a newly shaved head, which suited her nicely. Marlene was busying giving Sirius a few braids into his short hair when they sat down.

“Letting Marlene do your hair?” Remus asked, starting with a conversation that he found easy. That was Poppy suggested. “She’s going to end up dying it or shaving it all off. Or giving you an undercut. She’s mad when it comes to experimenting, you know? Dorcas probably didn’t even want her head shaved.”

“I so did! Don’t you love it?” She rubbed her head.

“It rather suits you,” Gideon said, kissing her on the cheek.

“It’s brilliant,” Remus said as Marlene secured Sirius’ braid with a hairpin.

“No James?” Sirius asked after a beat.

“He and Lily are doing wedding things,” Tonks informed him. “It’s getting down to it and he’s starting to panic.”

“About the wedding? I thought he’d be so excited? He’s loved Evans forever.” Sirius said. “I was honestly surprised they hadn’t got it done with already.”

“No, he’s starting to panic about the plans. I think it’s driving everyone absolutely mad — especially Lily. As for waiting, Lily wasn’t sure about the whole idea of marriage for a bit.” Remus informed Sirius.

“Ah, I see. You’ll have to let me know how it goes.”

“I’m sure they’ll invite you. Effie and Monty will insist no matter what.”

“They said they were marrying at the end of June, I’ve only been in their lives for a little while.”

“Well, before this all you were James’ best mate.” Dorcas reminded him.

“He’s so happy you’re back.” Remus smiled, looking towards the stage as the band came out. “Everyone is, it seems.”

“Yeah?” Sirius asked. He was sure that Sirius was imploring if Remus was included in that everyone.

“Of course we are!” Tonks said.

Remus didn’t answer. He instead reached for a cider that was in the picnic basket/cooler that Tonks had brought. The group talked as the band played, Remus tried very hard to stay engaged in the conversation and not pulling away because he was uncomfortable. He thought he did a reasonably decent job of it. He wasn’t as anxious and nervous as he thought he would be as the concert winded down around dinner time.

“I've got a date,” Tonks said. “I need to pick him up at the shop.” She looked at her watch. Then gave everyone a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Laterz!”

“I didn’t see her fall or spill once,” Sirius said. “Is she less clumsy now?”

“God, no, she still leaves a trail of destruction in her path.” Remus scoffed, watching Tonks with her pink hair make her way through the crowd, tripping over someone on her way. “See.”

“Oh good, so not everything is completely different.” Sirius made a face when she dropped her picnic basket on someone’s head. “Bloody hell, how is she still alive?”

“Pure, dumb luck.” Marlene snickered as they finally lost her when she went around a corner. “Are you all hungry for dinner?”

“I’m starved,” Gideon said because of course he was starving and would not ask Remus if he wanted to stay with them for dinner or not.

“I could eat.”

“Where to?” Remus asked with a little bit of a forced smile.

“The loo first.” Gid pointed in the direction of the bathrooms close by.

“Me too.” Dorcas agreed with Gideon. “Why don’t you choose while we go?”

“Brilliant,” Sirius said before the two took off.

Marlene looked between Sirius and Remus then grinned. Remus knew precisely what she was thinking. She was going to force them to have a conversation. This was not what he wanted. “You know, I need to pee too. Weak bladder. Be back in a few.”

Remus wanted to murder his mates. He wanted to kill them, especially Marlene. This was mostly her fault because now he was alone with Sirius. He did not want to talk to him yet. He didn’t want to be alone with him yet. He wasn’t ready. Poppy said to take it slow. So, Remus went to go pick up and fold the blanket that belonged to Dorcas.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius blurted. “I — I I’m not sure what to say. I want you to know that because I’ve said it to everyone and I want us to be okay.”

Remus held the blanket against his chest. “I know I said I don’t want to talk. But I should have said I don’t want to talk yet. I’m not ready and I’m not sure what to say. I don’t mind talking like we have been today. In a group with topics that are generally safe and won’t cause tears or anxiety. But I need to wait for anything else because I don’t know.”

“It’s fine. I’m just glad that you don’t mind being around me today.”

“It has been fun.”

“It’s sad that it’s probably the longest we’ve ever been sober with each other.”

“That’s a horrible thought.” Remus shook his head.

“We weren’t together back then.”

“Not at all.” Remus shook his head. “We were terrible and we helped make each other terrible.”

“I didn’t even take you to the hospital when you —”

“I know and I didn’t suggest you get help for your—”

“Yep.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “Are you okay?”

Remus was surprised at the question, “Yeah. Are you?”

“Yeah.” Sirius nodded. “Let’s be better mates than we were boyfriends.”

Remus nodded in agreement as he spotted Gideon coming towards them. There were so many things that were wrong with their relationship. He needed a completely fresh start with Sirius. They weren’t even really mates when they started, were they? They were always in a relationship. There was no real wondering, even before it was technically official. At that point in their lives, they were going to be a couple no matter what. Now though, Remus wasn’t even sure if they were going to be mates or just acquaintances.

“Where are the girls?” His boyfriend asked, taking the blanket from Remus.

“Marlene took off because she’s a bitch and wanted Sirius I to talk.” He informed him.

“Are you sure they’re not shagging?” Gid questioned. “They do love public sex.”

“They’re still all over each other like that? Fucking hell.” Sirius made a face of disgust.

“They’re the worst,” Gideon replied.

*******   
**July 2010**

It had now been four years since Remus lost his mum. He couldn’t get out of bed, even though the rest of the Marauders had declared it a lake day since it was so nice out. They had made the choice to stay at the house over the summer term break and not go home, which was fine with Remus. They were all running around the house getting ready. Sirius was screaming down the hall at James if they had packed bug spray or not, “They love my blood, Prongs!”

“You have so much shite running through your veins that they’ll take a bite and die!” James shouted back. That actually made Remus crack a little bit of a smile.

“That bug would get so high—”

“The joke is dead, Peter!” Sirius yelled before coming into Remus’ room. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Sirius asked quietly, shutting the door behind him.

“I’m okay.”

“If you were okay, you’d be going with us.” Sirius pouted. “Come with us, Moony.”

Usually, Remus would give Sirius anything he wanted but he couldn’t get out of bed. He didn’t want to be in a car. He didn’t want to go anywhere. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to live. He thought, maybe after everyone left he could figure out a way to not be here when they got back.

“No, I’m staying home. It’s just. It’s nothing. I don’t want to go anywhere today. But please, go, have fun.”

Sirius frowned. “All right. But when I come home, we’ll get high and listen to that album you were talking about yesterday.” He was referring to High Violet by The National. He had just got it in vinyl and thought Sirius would enjoy the melancholy stylings of Matt Berninger’s baritone.

“Yeah,” Maybe.

“Okay. I’ll try my best not to get eaten alive by bugs or sunburnt. I know you’re only with me for my pretty face.”

“Yeah.” Remus hugged the pillow under his head.

“I’m actually worried about you,” Sirius said, furrowing his brow. “You’d laugh at that normally.”

“Don’t be worried,” Remus assured him. “Go have fun.”

Sirius kissed him on the cheek before leaving his room. Remus listened as the three men finished running around the house. Soon the flat quieted and he was alone. He listened to a few creaks and cracks of the house as if it were calming down from the chaos that was The Marauders. Remus felt like he hadn’t heard the house so quiet before. It was nice, even if he was being assaulted by feelings he’d rather not be having. For a few long minutes, he felt somewhat at peace.

“I’m going to kill myself,” Remus said out loud. The world didn’t crash down. No one came running into the room to stop him. It just felt right.

He had thought of it over and over again but never spoke the words out loud. He did tell Sirius once that sometimes he wanted to die but never said that he was going to kill himself. Those were two different things in his mind. But he always had plans in his brain about how he would do it. It was always going to be when he was alone so no one interrupted. Today was a beautiful day and it just felt like a good day for it to happen.

There were three different plans that he had thought about vividly before. Pills, razors, or a belt. He had all of the above available. Now he just had to make a choice. He decided to get out of bed and put on High Violet while he wrote a note. Remus didn’t want to leave a note but he figured that’s what people did. He wanted to get it right and not fuck it up since he always fucked everything up. He couldn’t fuck up killing himself. Remus wanted to get it all right.

> _I just wanted to let you know that it’s better now and it’s going to be okay for you all too. Sometimes it’s just too hard to be alive. It’s too hard to worry about who is going to be gone next. It’s too hard to be present. Don’t be sad, please. Don’t make a big deal out of this because none of it matters. Please call someone else to get me. I’m in Sirius’ and my bathroom, don’t come in._
> 
> _I love you so much, Sirius. Please go and do something great._

When Remus finished, he got up and went to hang up the note on the board opposite the front door. It was where they put every important reminder. It was empty now so Remus was glad they’d at least see it. Once that was done, he went to Peter’s room to find some valium. He popped a few of them before going back to his bedroom. He turned the record player all the way up before going into the bathroom so he could still hear it

In the bathroom, he turned the water on to fill the tub up. He went to the cabinet and pulled out the razors he had bought ages ago for this very thing. Not that he would have admitted it was for that. He set one on the end of the tub then he figured it was time to get undressed. Before he could even get his shirt off, he was jolted out of the completely calm feeling he had by Sirius’ screaming over the music.

“REMUS! MOONY! FUCKING HELL WHERE ARE YOU! YOU CAN’T BE DEAD! YOU CAN’T. REMUS!” He yelled as if he was being tortured. The screams rang through the house and suddenly Remus felt horrible. The idea that he would hurt Sirius so bad was heartbreaking. How he felt wasn’t his fault but he’d suffer for it.

The bathroom door flung open and Sirius was standing there clutching the note he had left on the board. There were tears running down his face and his hands were shaking. “You’re alive. You’re alive.” He repeated.

Remus stayed silent.

“I knew something was wrong. I just fucking knew it. James wouldn’t turn around so I got out of the car at a light and just walked home. Moony you can’t do this. You can’t leave me, don’t you understand that you’re everything? You’re fucking moon and sun and stars and I can’t go on without you. You can’t do it. I can’t do it.” Sirius said, hot tears streaming down his face.

Remus didn’t say anything, he just sunk down to the cold tile. Sirius wiped his face with his arm then went over to the bathtub to turn off the tap. He picked up the razor on the edge of the tub and put it into the box where it came from. Then he left the bathroom. Remus wondered where he was going with them, but he didn’t dare ask. He didn’t realize how hurt Sirius was going to be. He was so glad that he didn’t find him dead. How could he be so selfish? Fuck.

It took a few minutes for Sirius to come back. When he did he was now carrying nothing. “Do I call the hospital or do I just take you there?”

“What?” Remus furrowed his brow. “I’m not hurt.”

“But you were going to kill yourself. You’re suicidal. Aren’t you supposed to be sectioned or something? I don’t know. So you don’t die?”

“You starve yourself. Are you at the hospital?” Remus said then immediately hated the words that came out. How could he fuck up so many times in one day? That shouldn’t have been what he said. Sirius was trying to help.

“That’s not — Remus, you know I’m not trying to kill myself. That’s not what it is.” Sirius looked as if he were on the verge of tears again. “That was cruel.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I’m just buggering this all up. I can’t even fucking kill myself correctly.”

“Remus, there’s so much you do correctly.”

“Then why does everyone leave?” Remus said and it was now his turn to cry.

“I’m not going anywhere, Remus. I’m here. So is Jamie and Peter. I mean, they’re not here — here but they love you and care about you. Your Aunt cares about you. Dorcas too and McKinnon seems to like you too. James’ parents think you’re the fucking shite. They love you more than me and James, which is mad. You’re so amazing and you’re going to do amazing things.” Sirius sat down across from Remus. “I love you more than I love myself. If you die then a part of me would die too. Don’t you understand that?”

Remus nodded but stayed quiet, silently crying. They both sat on the bathroom floor until Remus decided that he needed to get up and out of the bathroom. He wasn’t sure how long that was but his legs hurt when he stood up. Remus followed Sirius to his bedroom, where his record had stopped playing. He wasn’t sure how long it had been finished. Sirius turned off the power as Remus sat in his bed. “What do we do?”

“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” Remus shook his head. “I won’t kill myself. I promise.” He couldn’t do it to Sirius.

“All right.” Sirius joined Remus on the bed.

“My mum died four years ago today.”

“Oh, so — oh.” Sirius nodded. “I’m sorry. I wish you told me.”

“I know. I, sometimes I forget I can say things and you understand.”

“I’ll always understand, Remus. There’s nothing you can do that I won’t understand or at least try to understand.” Sirius kissed Remus softly then stroked his cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Remus leaned against Sirius. “I don’t want to get high and listen to High Violet anymore.”

“We won’t be listening to High Violet at all.” Sirius shook his head. “I don’t think I can listen to The National ever again.”


	5. Chapter 5

**June 2018**

The loveliness of the Potter family dinner was something Remus participated in quite a bit. Nearly every single Sunday for six years, actually. Over the last month, he was so busy with work and then the development of Sirius coming back into their lives had him not attending. He also gave Sirius two weeks to get back to being with the Potters as their second son without Remus around. He received multiple calls and texts from Effie, stating her displeasure with this fact because she firmly believed that Remus belonged at the table. Sirius hadn’t been around for years, and yes, she loved him but Remus was always there. He was practically her second son. Monty told Remus to take his time but he missed him.

Now it had been officially a month that Sirius had been back in his life, Remus decided it was about time he went back to the Potter’s dinners. Sunday dinners were an established tradition, even before they went to the Potter’s for it. They used to do Sunday dinners at their house. Peter did most of the cooking then. They did go to the Potter’s house a few times and were fed ridiculous amounts of food. Sirius always did his best to avoid those nights by feigning ill. But after Sirius left and Remus moved back from London, Sunday dinners became mandatory. Peter, James, Lily, Monty, and Effie were always there.

That was until Peter and Em fell madly in love and they began to do their own things. But Remus stuck around. Now Gid came when he could. Sometimes Tonks showed up with Bill. Marlene and Dorcas came around at times. Mary came with her boyfriend, Caradoc. Remus’ workmates Alice and Frank even tagged along every now and again. Effie enjoyed feeding EVERYONE. It was just her nature. Remus loved Sunday dinners because they were reliable and constant in his life. Even when he couldn’t go, they were there and he could be there if he wanted or needed.

“Do you want me to bring leftovers home?” Remus asked Gideon. He had stopped by Zonko’s on the way to the Potter’s with Gideon’s keys because he had forgotten them at the flat.

“Yes!” Tonks popped her head out from behind the cash wrap. She was helping Bill unpack a box of new comics there.

“I was asking Gideon! I’m not bringing food for everyone.” Remus complained.

“Is she making samosas? Please bring me a couple home. I don’t know how she does it but they’re like little pockets of heaven.” Bill pleaded with him.

“You know you lot are welcome to join. Effie always cooks enough. If you come often, she’d even cook more.”

“It’s a family thing,” Tonks said.

“Which you are practically are. Even if I was not dating Gideon. Plus Tonks, you’re Sirius’ cousin so you are technically family to the Potters.” Remus said, looking at his phone to check the time. “I should get going. I’ll see you when I get home?”

“I’ll be there.” Gid kissed him on the cheek.

“Bye, babe.” Remus kissed him quickly.

“See you, honey!” Fabian cried.

“Lots of love, hun!” Bill said.

“Until tonight, sweetie!” Tonks joined.

“You’re all so annoying,” Remus muttered with a little laugh.

“You love us,” Tonks said.

“For some reason.” Gideon made a face. “I’ll see you later.”

Remus left the shop with an eye roll, heading for the train. He got on The Tube and headed towards South Kensington to walk the rest of the way to the Potter’s in Chelsea. Sometimes, Remus thought about where he came from when he made this trip. His parents weren’t well off, then when he father left things were worse. They ended up struggling to make things work. Remus was sure back then that he would never amount to much — no matter how smart he was. His mum was too proud to ask her sister for help. But she did the best she could for Remus. Remus loved her, and he wished that she was around to see him and all that he’d amounted to now.

The only reason why he probably made it through school was that he wanted to be something on his own. Now he was something. Even though he was something, it still felt strange going to Chelsea. Somewhere in his brain he was still some poor lad that lived on a council estate. Walking down the street he needed to remind himself people weren’t going to think that he was going to break into one of the houses and nick something. They probably assumed he lived in the neighborhood since he wore smart shoes and a nice shirt. Unless if they were racist, but that was another story.

When he reached the Potter’s, Remus was surprised to see Sirius climbing off a motorbike. He had always talked about how he wanted one when they were younger. He would go on about it sometimes, to the point where Remus almost asked his aunt for the money to buy one so that he didn’t have to listen to Sirius moan about the thing. “You finally got one?”

“It was my first purchase when we got to London. Well, after we rented the flat.” Sirius explained, holding on to his helmet. “Second purchase, then.”

“It’s nice.” Remus smiled as they walked up the path to the house. “I thought Reggie might be joining us.”

“He’s not feeling well today. He’s having his surgery Monday and I think it may have something to do with that. But Charlie Weasley also happened to be stopping by as I left so I’m not too sure if he was not feeling up to it or he was feeling…”

“Up to something else.” Remus laughed. It was getting easier to talk to Sirius now. Remus was happy about that. He still wasn’t sure about sitting down with him one-on-one but he was good at being friendly now.

“You know, I thought as we got older people would stop having so much sex,” Sirius said as the door opened. Effie looked a bit confused at the conversation.

“I won’t ask.” She said, shaking her head. “I’m so glad you’re both here together.”

Remus wanted to say they weren’t there together-together. They were just both there. But he decided to keep his mouth shut and hug Effie.

“You worried me. I wasn’t sure if you were going to be coming back.” She said.

“Of course I was coming back. I need some time for work and to — to get used to the idea of Sirius. No offense, Sirius.”

“None taken, Remus.” He said with a smile as Effie went to hug Sirius.

Remus went for the small back garden, where he knew everyone would be hanging around. Lily was chatting with Monty. James was chasing the Potters’ new dog, Snuffles, around. To his surprise Marlene and Dorcas were also there, lounging around in the sun like cats on the two lounge chairs. “You’re late!”

“I know, Lils, but my sodding boyfriend left his keys at mine so I had to deliver those to him. I also had to fight off Bill, Fab, and Tonks demanding I bring leftovers.”

“You will bring them leftovers,” Effie said shaking her head. “Monty, a hand in the kitchen, please. You have about ten minutes.”

“Absolutely my dear.” Monty smiled. Remus hoped one day he had love like the Potters. Something long and sustained and happy.

“I’ll help too,” Dorcas said. She was a sous chef in a nice restaurant in the city and was always trying to get her hands on food anywhere she could.

Remus took her place next to Marlene on the lounge chairs. Sirius went running after the dog like the mutt he was. “You didn’t come together?”

“No, McKinnon, we did not come together. We happened to arrive at the same time. Sirius is always late. I just happened to be late too.” Remus said as Lily nearly sat on top of him. “Your future husband is going to be jealous.”

“Ah, bugger him.” She laughed, cuddling up to Remus. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“Good, we’ve missed you at Sunday dinner. I know at first it was work but then I know it was Sirius.”

“Well, I’m not sent into anxiety when I’m around him anymore so that’s good.” Remus shrugged.

“Oi! Lupin! That’s my bride!” He said, coming over to the chairs with Sirius following.

“Sorry James, but we’re going to be running away and getting married. She’s always loved me more.”

“You know, sometimes that’s true.” Lily laughed as James also sat half on top of him.

“Christ.” Remus groaned at the new weight.

“Well, Gideon will be very upset.”

“He’s not the jealous type.” Remus snickered. “I’m kidding, though. I’m happy with my boyfriend at home. Sorry James and Lily.”

“So, Sirius, have you got any boyfriends?” Marlene asked.

“Boyfriends? I don’t know where that plural came from.” Sirius perched himself on the edge of Marlene’s lounge chair as Snuffles begged him for head scratches. “I don’t have a boyfriend, no. I am married.”

Everyone looked at him with wide eyes. Remus felt something funny happen to his heart then it started to beat too fast. It was like an anxiety attack but not really, he wondered if he was having a heart attack. “Ha, you should see your faces.”

“You bastard!” James shouted, standing up and giving him a little tap on the head.

Sirius held his hands up. “It’s to a woman. It’s not a real marriage and we just filed for divorce. She’s a lesbian and her parents are just as traditional as mine. We married to ease things for a couple of years ago. We’re brilliant friends. I think you’d like her. Her name’s Fleur. She’s actually French.”

Remus felt his heart returning to normal. He didn’t understand why he felt that way. He couldn’t still care about Sirius like that. They were different people now. How could he be jealous? It made no sense at all to him. He didn’t even feel like he wanted Sirius at all. Maybe it was just a natural thing to feel when an ex says they were married. He wasn’t sure because it never happened to him before.

“How did we not know this?” James asked.

“Because it was fake as shite.” Sirius scoffed, giving more pets to Snuffles.

“Not even that you were married but you’ve been back in our lives for a month.”

“It’s not relevant because it was all a lie.” Sirius shrugged. “She’s moving to London in a few months for work. There’s also this girl she fancies. I hope it works out. You can meet her then.”

“You know, I was wondering how you were making your parents somewhat happy for so long,” Lily said, letting go of Remus to sit up. “Did it help? The getting married?”

“Oh yeah, until we weren’t spitting out little Black heirs. That wasn’t too big of an issue until the end. But that was okay because we left anyway.” Sirius shrugged.

Remus wasn’t sure what to say if he should say anything. He couldn’t imagine having to marry someone to appease family or friends. He never imagined Sirius giving into that either. Sirius was always so defiant but maybe he was talking a good game. He knew Sirius was scared to go home and what that was going to bring. Remus knew that he struggled with not being able to control his own life. But he always thought that Sirius would find a way to rebel. Maybe he did though, marrying a woman who wanted nothing but a beard like Sirius wanted. Perhaps that gave him some control too.

The group spent the next few minutes giving Sirius a hard time about the marriage, Remus mostly listened. He didn’t think it was appropriate for him to comment. Thankfully Effie came out to get them for dinner. He was so hungry and didn’t fancy doing in taking the piss.

The meal was delicious, as always. Remus felt like he was going to explode if he ate one more thing as the meal winded down. He wasn’t sure how he was going to cart all the leftovers home with him on The Tube. Maybe he’d get James and Lily to drive him home.

“Moony, do you want to go to a concert on July 15th?” James tried to act very nonchalantly about it but Remus knew the man far too well. That date was one that James always made sure Remus was busy for.

“That’s specific day.” Marlene made a face, not making the connection right away.

“It’s specific because that’s the day I attempted suicide,” Remus said. He was well passed put off to talk about it in his current company. They had done plenty of talking about it before. “James, what did we talk about before? You don’t need to babysit me that day.” James always did that. In the month before the day of the anniversary of his mother’s death and attempted suicide, James felt the need to pack the schedule. Especially on the day of. Remus tried to remind him he didn’t need to do it but James couldn’t help himself.

“James, I thought we said we weren’t going to do this anymore.” Effie shook her head.

“You told them then? I always thought James would react this way.” Sirius said and Remus felt his heart do that weird thing again. Maybe he needed to go to his GP.

“Told us? Sirius, Lily and I found him. What are you talking about? You weren’t even here?” James leaned on the table with his elbows.

Sirius looked taken aback. “Oh, so again. You tried again.” He bit his lip.

“Again?” Lily looked at him with wide eyes.

“And they don’t know about the first time.” Sirius put a hand over his face. “Sorry. I didn’t realize. I am so sorry.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lily asked.

“I told my doctors and my therapist. I didn’t tell you and I’m — I’m sorry. Shite. But now, I guess…”

“I’m sorry, I ah, I need some air. I knew I should have done something — before.” Sirius shook his head and stood up. “Um, I’m sorry.”

The group watched Sirius take off then they all looked to Remus. This was not how he thought the night would go. He had high hopes for the night. He wasn’t so bloody anxious coming in. Now James had to go and be James and Sirius had to say something because he didn’t know. This was his fault. He should have told them about the first time. “What happened the first time? When was that?” James asked, concerned.

“Well, it was on the same day. But it was the summer before our third. You all went to the lake that day. Sirius thought something was wrong—”

“Damn, I remember. I thought he was being dramatic and he wanted to spend time with you because that’s all he did back then. I even complained to Peter the entire way to the lake that he was being annoying and you two were always attached at the hip.”

“He was right that something was wrong. He found me before anything happened, aside from me writing the note. If he were five minutes later, I’m not sure he would have been so lucky.” Remus cleared his throat. “I talked him out of bringing me to the hospital or getting me any help because—”

“Because you were both idiots then.” Lily completed the sentence. “I’m sorry, Moony.”

“Well, I’m better now and that’s what matters.”

“You should talk to Sirius.”

“I don’t know what to say.” He said to Effie.

“I’m going to go see if he’s okay. You stay here.” Lily insisted. “We all have dealt with those feelings he’s having.”

Remus hated how he made everyone feel because he couldn’t see the good in his life for so long. James was so overprotective of him. For almost a year he would check in on him randomly. He would worry if he even took too long in the bathroom. Lily fussed over him but from afar. She let him live but she worried about him, and about James too. The rest of his friends were the same in worry but in different ways. They were all hurt, they were all worried. That’s not what he wanted. Things were better now though. He worked hard to get better.

After assuring the rest of the table he was fine and that they didn’t have to worry he let them talk about their own feelings for a few minutes. He decided that he needed to at least apologize to Sirius or hear what he had to say. So he got up and went towards the garden because Sirius always went outside when he was stressed.

The door to the back was opened just enough for Remus to hear Sirius sniffling and Lily whispering something. Then Sirius said, “I just always knew I did the wrong thing then. I was so worried I would wake up and he’d be dead so I hovered and I worried and I made sure he wasn’t out of my sight too long. I never let him take too much of certain drugs. It was always in the back of my head that I should have called for help. When I left, I thought he’d be better and — fuck. I’m sorry Lily.”

“Don’t be, Sirius. We all had our chance to deal with our feelings about this. Remus included. It’s the past and he’s in such a great place. You are too but this is clearly something that you didn’t know you had to deal with.”

After a short pause, “How come he can barely look at me for too long? He barely says more than five words.” Sirius said, taking a shaky breath.

“I don’t know, Sirius. You coming back is different and a lot for him. Give him time. Keep doing what you’re doing.” She said.

It was quiet for a few moments before Remus decided it would be a good time to step outside. Sirius was smoking and Lily had an arm around his shoulders. “Hi, love. I’ll go inside.” She kissed Sirius on the cheek then patted Remus on the arm when she walked by.

“Cigarette.” Sirius offered, after running a hand over his face.

“No, I quit.” Remus shook his head.

“I didn’t mean to drag out anything that I wasn’t supposed to.”

“It’s okay. I should have told them before, I honestly wasn’t thinking about that time when I tried — er, again.” Remus sighed.

“I did the wrong thing then.”

“Sirius, I didn’t want any help then. Even if I went to the hospital or whatever, I wouldn’t have been helped because I didn’t want the help. I did after my second attempt.”

“I’m guessing it almost worked because James and Lily said they found you?”

“Yeah, I tried to overdose on pills and some other shite I got my hands on. I should have been dead but they got there just at the right time.”

They stood silently while Sirius finished his cigarette. Remus wasn’t sure what else to say. This night was shite. He couldn’t wait to go home and crawl into Gideon’s arms and tell him how horrible it went. He also knew his friends were going to want to talk more about his first attempt. He wished James wasn’t always so concerned about him.

“I’m happy you’re still alive.”

“Me too.”

“You’re still amazing, you know? I’m not saying that in whatever daft way I used just to get you to snog me or to make sure you continued to be in love with me.” Sirius waved a hand. Remus wasn’t sure what to say to the last part of the statement. “You’ve overcome so much and you’re still here. You’re happy too.”

“You are too, Sirius,” Remus said, shoving his hands in his pockets because he wasn’t sure what else to do with them. “I promise you, one day we’ll sit and talk about things.”

“I know, I believe you.” Sirius smiled. “I’m not even sure what to say. I feel like there are things.”

“I understand.” Remus sighed.

“I’m not ruining anything for you and Gideon, am I? Reg said that you didn’t tell him you ran into me that time in the coffee shop.”

“Oh, no, we’re just fine. He wants us to talk.” Remus assured him. “We’re doing just fine. He likes you and wants to be mates again.”

“Good, I like him.”

“I know you’re not married to here but maybe when Fleur gets here, we could go out for dinner. Or if you get a boyfriend. Or even with Reggie.” Remus offered.

“That sounds like a good idea. I’d like that.”

Things were going to be okay, he hoped.

*******   
**October 2010**

“I hate philosophy,” Remus muttered as he packed away his notes. He was in the library studying with Lily, Mary, and Marlene for his most hated course. They were all in his philosophy class with him. It was his worst requirement. He would have studied ancient laws all day over philosophy for even just forty-five minutes.

“It makes me want to gouge my eyes out.” Mary pulled her ashy blonde hair back. “Why are those twats looking at us weird?” She nodded over Remus’ shoulder.

He turned around to see Sirius and James pulling faces at him. “One of those twats is my friend the other is my boyfriend. I’m a lucky bloke. I’m sure you all are jealous.” Remus rolled his eyes as the two made their way over to the table.

“Done being, swotty, my beautiful Moony?” Sirius plopped down on his lap and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

“Yes, something you don’t know about.” Remus poked his side. “This is Mary, Lily, and you know Marlene. This is Sirius and that’s James.”

“Hi, ah, Lily — Evans — Right? We had a class together. English Lit last spring with Binns, right?”

“Yep.” Lily didn’t look at him as she started to pack her things up.

“Brilliant! You’re smart, really smart.”

“He is complete shite at flirting,” Sirius whispered in Remus’ ear but he was sure Marlene heard because she started laughing.

Remus chuckled, “Do you lot want to come to our party on Saturday? I promise these two won’t make weird faces at you. Well, at least Sirius won’t because I’ll be occupying him. James, I’ll try to keep him interested in something else.”

“Sure, could be fun. Is Meadows going to be there?”

“Yes she is, you big ol’ lesbian,” Sirius said.

“All right, ya ol’ gay.” She rolled her eyes. “I have to run to class. I’ll see you Saturday.”

“Me too, see you then.” Mary stood up with Marlene. “Lily, you walking with us?”

The redhead looked at boys critically. “Yeah.”

“Is that yes to the party too?” James said hopefully.

“We’ll see.” She said before the girls walked away from the table.

Sirius nuzzled his neck as James took a seat in the chair Lily had been sitting in. “You like gingers?”

“Lily Evans is a goddess. I should be lucky to even speak to her.”

“Straight people are weird, Remus. I don’t like them.”

“I know, love, it’s okay.” Remus patted his thigh.

“I need to date her. She’s so wonderful. But she’d never go out with me. I’m a — I’m me.”

“Any girl would be lucky to have you, Prongs,” Remus said as Sirius wiggled in his lap then kissed right below his ear. It had been a few months since they’d shagged, which made Sirius feel bad. Remus told him a million times that he didn’t care how much sex they were having. Just being around Sirius was enough. Sometimes he wondered how much Sirius pushed himself to have sex with Remus when they were doing it regularly. It made him a bit ill when he spent too long on that though.

“All right, I should go to class too. I’ll see you lads later.” James winked before leaving the table.

“James having a real girlfriend will be strange,” Sirius said. “He was always so busy taking care of me to worry about a girl.”

“Now that’s my job?” Remus snorted.

“We take care of each other. Moony, do you need me to take care of you?” He wiggled his hips again then his lips came to his ear.

“Only if you want to, Sirius.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been so interested lately. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“It’ happens, Sirius. We’ve talked about this.” Remus gave his boyfriends’ knee a little squeeze.

“It’s been over two months.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want you to do things you don’t want to do.”

“I don’t mind giving you a hand. Or even a mouth sometimes. You don’t do those things when we’re not having sex.”

“Because I don’t want to force you into it, Sirius,” Remus said, shaking his head.

“I know what I want and what I don’t, I’m not lying to you. You’re the last person who would pressure me into doing anything I don’t want.” Sirius shook his head before sliding off on the chair next to Remus.

“I — ugh, you always do things for me and sometimes I don’t know if you like it or not. I wish I could see in your brain.”

“You don’t want to see in my brain,” Sirius warned. “Remus Lupin, we’ve been together for a year now. You’ve never done anything that’s made me uncomfortable.”

Remus took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay, I believe you.”

“Now, I do want a shag. I really do. I do want to take care of you now, do you understand?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, I believe you.”

“Good, now, I’ve always wanted to do it in the stacks with you. I think it’s your swotty mannerism. There’s that section that’s all dusty on the top floor. No one ever goes up there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you love books, so why not have a shag in the books? It’s deserted there.” Sirius stood up. “Come on.”

Remus, of course, listened to Sirius because he couldn’t help himself. He had Sirius pressed up against some dusty tomes in a dark corner, kissing him like he had all the answers to everything Remus needed on his tongue. Sometimes, Remus thought he did.


	6. Chapter 6

**June 2018**

Remus sat at the bar, watching James, Fabian, Charlie, Bill, Frank, Peter, Benjy, Caradoc, and Kingsley watch the woman on the stage in front of them slide down the pole. Gideon was to his right and Regulus was to his left. Sirius had gone off to the loo. He tried to talk James out of being stereotypical for his stag do but there was no way the man was going to do anything but get a manly dinner filled with booze then go to a strip club — which involved more booze. Lily knew all about the plans and she didn’t care one bit. She knew that James Potter did not want anyone but Lily the rest of his life.

The wedding was a week away, thankfully, because James along with one of the groomsmen and guests would probably not be able to stand up the next morning. Remus was literally blowing bubbles in his soda out of boredom. He already had three drinks and didn’t fancy having more because he always worried about slipping up and having too many. Gideon was laughing next to him. Regulus, on the other hand, was making a very displeased face, mostly at Charlie. Remus wondered what was going on there if anything at all. Charlie was bi, he was always a bit goofy and always looked for a laugh but he was a lovely bloke. Remus never knew him actually to date anyone but he always suspected he fancied Regulus, even back when they were babies in at Uni.

Sirius had been dropping hints that Regulus and Charlie got on more than mates lately. He did go over before his surgery then visited quite a bit after. Charlie also asked Remus for advice on a gift to get Reg. Remus hoped the two would figure it out if they hadn’t yet.

“Why don’t you go sit with him?” Remus suggested, holding out his hand towards the men by the stage.

“Sit with who?” Regulus made a face. He made the same grumpy face as Sirius used to.

“Charlie, my dumbass nephew.” Gideon snorted a laugh.

“Sod off.”

“Talking about Charlie, are we?” Sirius asked as he came back to the group. “You’re so gone on him.”

“I am — no — I am not, you wanker.” He stammered then he said something in Thai to Sirius who in turn elbowed him in the ribs as a reply.

Remus was happy to be around the brothers together. They seemed to have a closer relationship now than they did in the two years Remus was around them together. Sirius always worried about him before but did it from afar. It seemed like they had a good balance now in their relationship. He liked seeing them act as brothers acted. The whole night they had been trading barbs and taking the piss. But it was done in love.

Sirius and Remus had hung around one another in the week that followed the horrid Sunday dinner. Again, they weren’t with each other but they were there in the same area. On Friday, Sirius joined him, Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, Frank, and Mary for drinks. He also showed up for Sunday dinner again. That dinner went much smoother than the one before. Remus could see himself being official friends with Sirius once more. Not that they were friends before. They were always something a little more.

Things were going well. Remus was far more comfortable now than he was a month previous. He also saw Poppy regularly to work through his twisted and tangled feelings. He was still hesitant to having a sit-down one-on-one with Sirius but no one else seemed to be bothering him about that anymore. He wondered if Gid thought their chat after Sirius let it out that he tried to kill himself before was enough.

“Regulus, why don’t you just make a move?” Gideon asked with a raised eyebrow. “I can tell that the fancies the pants off you.”

“Are you sure neither of you have already made a move? He was over a lot when you were recovering.” Sirius turned to ask his brother.

“No, he was just a mate.”

“Mmm, a mate who wants to snog your face off.” Remus nodded. “Had a few of those before.”

“Sirius was one of those wasn’t he?” Regulus said with a look on his face like he was challenging Remus.

“Yeah, actually. Gideon too apparently.” He couldn’t deny it.

“You’re just very snogable,” Gideon said with a laugh.

Sirius snickered, most likely not wanting to get pulled into that conversation. “Look, Reg, I understand you’re hesitant for reasons but Charlie’s a good one. You’ve known him for a while.”

“If he wasn’t then I’d disown him. He’d never be allowed back in Zonko’s. Molly would never make him dinner again.” Gideon said. “Just go and sit with him. Make some cheeky comments.”

Regulus pouted with his arms crossed over his chest. “Fine.” He went off without another word and the three men left at the bar laughed. He looked as if he was being tortured.

“I honestly thought they were already together.” Remus shrugged then took a sip of his soda. He watched Reg sit next to Charlie, who leaned over and said something to him. They both laughed. Remus noticed that their shoulders were touching as they sat next to one another and Charlie’s hand was on Reg’s knee.

“Me too until I realized Regulus has been pining away without saying a thing and I think Charlie’s just too nice.” Sirius said as a loud “WOOOO” went up by the men as a new woman came out on stage. She was wearing a lot of body glitter, which made Remus wonder how she dealt with it all over her flat.

“They’ll get it together, I’m sure. I need to use the loo. Be right back.” Gid kissed him on the cheek before going off.

“Why aren’t you up there enjoying the show, Remus?” Sirius moved to the seat that Regulus had been in.

“Not really my thing, is it? I mean, I have nothing against strippers. Power to them and all that but, I don’t know. Not that interested. How are you doing?” Remus asked, knowing that Sirius wasn’t interested in watching others do sexual things.

“Oh, I’m fine. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t have come here even if it is for James. He would have understood. But I am happy that you and Gideon are hanging back here.”

“He has zero interest in being up there as well. Though, James is really enjoying things.” Remus said sarcastically and nodded at the man currently getting a lap dance. He looked sort of uncomfortable with it. It appeared that he was chatting with the woman nervously. “He’s probably talking about Lily.”

“Ah, Lily Evans. A goddess who walks on earth.”

“Who lights up every room she glides into.”

“Who has a smile that is brighter than the sun.”

Remus and Sirius both laughed, thinking about how James was when he and Lily had first started to date. It was nauseating. “He still loves her like that, you know? I mean, he’s not as bloody annoying about it. I don’t listen to him wax poetic about her fiery red hair or her emerald green eyes anymore.”

“It must be nice.” Sirius smiled. “To be in love like that.”

“Yeah. It must be.”

They sat listening to the loud thumping music until Gideon came back, not saying a word. There was a point in time where they both thought they had that with one another. But in the end it wasn’t even close. They were using one another as a buffer to the pain their outside lives. Remus sometimes wondered if he did love Sirius. Was that all consuming feeling love? Or was it something else? He wasn’t sure if he’d ever know because he never felt for anyone the way he felt for Sirius.

After about an hour more, the group was ready to make their ways home. Sirius took charge of Fabian, Bill, Charlie, and Regulus since Remus was put in charge of James by Lily. He was the most important package to get home safe. Peter sorted the rest of the men out. James made it all the way to Remus’ flat and into the bathroom before he got sick. Remus was somewhat impressed that he was able to make it because he looked green as soon as they left the club.

When James was tucked in and sound asleep, Gideon made love to him quietly. It was nice and felt oddly reassuring. He wasn’t sure why that was. It felt good though to be held tight and kissed sweetly. Somewhere in the back of his mind, as he drifted off to sleep he hoped that Gideon wasn’t jealous of Sirius. He couldn’t take that right now.

The next morning, Gideon went off to open the shop since he knew that everyone else would be useless aside from the teenager that was there to help open up. Tonks probably wasn’t going to be there either because she had Lily’s hen do the night before. Remus figured he and James could go out to breakfast because Lily had said she wanted James out of the house for last minute wedding things that she was taking care of. Apparently, he was driving her mad about the plans.

“Good morning, sleepy head. How is that head?” Remus asked, finding James curled up on his sofa but scrolling on his mobile.

“Eh, I’ve been worse. I think the puking my guts out last night was helpful.” James’ voice was scratchy.

“How about a nice fry up to get you back to 100%?”

“Sounds good. Gideon already left, right? Or was I hearing things?”

“Yeah, he went to open the shop,” Remus said, as James sat up and stretched out. “So, it’s just you and me.”

“Good, I am a jealous man. You know that.”

They made it to Remus’ favorite breakfast spot down the street from his flat. It was a beautiful Sunday out so they sat outside. Remus decided that he wanted to spend the rest of the day outside in the sun. Even if that meant he’d burn a little but he didn’t care. He the sun felt good. Sometimes he was reminded why he loved living and that day felt like a perfect reminder.

“So, Moony, how are you doing?” James questioned after they placed their order. He pushed his sunglasses up his nose then did his stupid hair ruffle.

“Good, I only had three drinks last night. I had to watch you closely.” Remus laughed. “I told Lily I would make sure that you wouldn’t die.”

“I meant with Sirius.”

“Oh, we’re good. Last night was fun, we got on just fine.”

“Like old times?”

“If it were like old times then Sirius and I would have been the most wasted out of you all. We would have shagged in the bathroom while you were all watching the pretty ladies dance.” Remus scoffed.

“Don’t you love him still?” James asked, looking very serious. Remus felt his heart do that weird thing again. Like it forgot how to beat correctly. “You left one another just because of the distance and you thought you needed to grow up.”

Remus shifted a bit uncomfortably in his chair. He thought about the past, wondering if he loved Sirius. He thought about comparing his feelings for Sirius in the past to his current ones to Gideon and everyone else. But he steered clear of thinking about any current feelings other than rebuilding his friendship with Sirius. There was that moment where he was jealous when he heard Sirius was married. He still didn’t understand that. He also didn’t feel like dwelling on that. He had other things to work through first. “I don’t think so.”

“Mmm, that’s the best answer you’ve given about Sirius yet in any way,” James said. “Look, I know that you two had so much shite in the past but there had to be something else that tied you together. It couldn’t have just been your shite pasts.”

“I honestly don’t know. We didn’t do anything normal couples did. We never argued. We never even dated, did we?”

“You went out all the time.” James made a face.

“Yeah, with you and Peter or our other mates. Or went to a club. Most of the time we were getting high in my room then just sat around being depressed. Sometimes we would sit and watch each other study. Well, let’s be honest, I was the one that was doing the work and Sirius would sit and watch me.” Remus shook his head.

“You never went on an actual date?” James furrowed his brow in thought, clearly wracking his memory for something. “How is that possible?”

“Well, we went on one on Valentine’s day. The one you and Lily had your first date on.”

“Oh, right. But only one?” James frowned.

“I wouldn’t have even counted that as a date. We went out to this fancy restaurant but before we even got there, Sirius did a line of coke. In turn, I did a line in the bathroom.”

“Christ, you two were—”

“Shitty, yeah, I know. I’ve talked all about this with Poppy. We enabled each other. Anyway, that night we drank like two bottles of wine, went to a club, Sirius threw up on the dance floor, we got kicked out, and then we couldn’t find our way home so we slept in the park. I think we told you we slept over someone’s place. Don’t you remember that you were so worried about where we were?” Remus recalled.

“Shite, yeah, I was up all night waiting for two with Lily. She told me to call the cops like five times but I had a feeling that you two were being idiots.”

“That was not a date. That was a fucking disaster.” Remus shook his head.

“That makes me sad.” James shook his head. “You spent nearly three years together.”

“We never celebrated anniversaries. We didn’t buy each other gifts.”

“The more you talk about this, the less I understand about how you two got on. I mean, you were good to each other but how did you not date?”

“I don’t know either. We just existed together on this very sad plane of existence.” Remus held out his hands as if to represent that plane.

“Did you love him though? You must have felt something for him. It was almost three years you were together.”

“I honestly don’t know.” Remus bit his lip. “I honestly don’t know if I ever really loved him. I’m not sure if I ever will love anyone.”

James frowned and rested his head on his hand. He was quiet for a while so Remus checked his phone to see Gideon had sent him a text seeing if James was okay and Lily sent one asking if her soon to be husband was still alive. Remus replied to both letting them know he was alive, well, and even eating breakfast. He promised to visit Gid later and told Lily he’d be dropping James off in a couple of hours.

“Do you ever wonder if you loved him?” His friend finally asked.

“All the time,” Remus admitted. “I always wonder.”

“What about Gideon, do you love him?” James asked.

“I — I think I do. Maybe” He ran a hand over his face. “I don’t know. I don’t know, Prongs. I need some more time.”

“It’s okay, Moony. I love you.” He grinned.

“I love you too but not in the same way. I love Lily, Marls, Dorcas, Peter… but I — I don’t know if I’ve ever been, truly, deeply in love romantically with another person. What if I can’t love someone?”

“Moony, I think you will. You might even love Gideon.”

“How am I going to figure that out?” Remus questioned.

“I don’t know. You get this feeling.” James shrugged. “But you’re brilliant, so I’m sure that you’d going to figure it out somehow.”

*******   
**February 2011**

“I can’t believe that they’re actually going on a date. James was such a fuck up for three and a half months!” Sirius said, holding hands with Remus as they walked to their house from campus.

“I like Lily.” Remus defended James’ choice of girlfriend. She was smart and understanding. She seemed to be able to more than put up with the Marauders. She also had great book recommendations for Remus all the time.

“Oh, I’m not saying this because I dislike Lily. I think Lily is amazing. If I fancied women, I would be all over her. I don’t know why you’re not all over her.” Sirius laughed.

“Because I’m all over you.” Remus pulled him closer and pressed his lips to Sirius’ temple. “Anyway, what are you saying? About not believing James was finally with her?”

“It’s just mad. I don’t know. James put his foot in his mouth consistently for three months. Now, he’s with her.”

“It’s nice, love conquers all,” Remus said as they came up to their house.

“Can we go on a date? We never go on dates.”

Remus frowned and furrowed his brow. “We’re always doing things.”

“No, for Valentine’s Day. We don’t normally celebrate these things. Let’s do something!”

“Okay.”

“Something ridiculous. Let’s go to the fanciest place around.”

“I’m in. You don’t have to convince me anymore.” Remus laughed as they walked into their house. “Shall we go on the day?”

“Of course. We have to wear our best clothes.”

“Obviously. I can’t wait.” Remus chuckled.

***

  
On Valentine’s Day, a few days later, Remus was sitting on the sofa ready to go on his date. Lily was sitting there as well because James was running around with his head cut off. He had got changed about five times. “I told him every outfit looked the same and he threw a handful of ties at me.” Remus snorted a laugh.

“Why am I dating him?” Lily asked, rolling her eyes.

“He’s a good bloke, you know it,” Remus said as Sirius came out.

“Have fun, you two.” Lily winked.

“Be safe and tell James to calm the fuck down,” Remus spoke before standing up. He linked his arms with Sirius and went off towards their destination. Out front there was a car waiting for them.

“Really?” Remus laughed, looking at Sirius. Who, he realized had pupils nearly as big as dimes. He was squinting, even though it wasn’t that light out. “What’d you take?”

Surely, a reasonable person would have freaked out that their boyfriend got high right before their date. But Remus didn’t feel angry, he felt jealous. He was jealous that Sirius hadn’t shared with him.

“Just some coke,” Sirius said before they got into the car.

“I want some.” Remus practically pouted.

“When we get there.” Sirius pressed his lips to Remus’.

“Good,” Remus murmured against his lips.

When they made it to the restaurant, they were sat right away. If they were focused on having a beautiful night and not doing whatever it was they were doing, Remus would have noticed that they were sat at the best table. He would have commented more on the fact there was a car that drove them there to begin with. He would have realized that Sirius choose the most expensive bottle of wine. But he was too focused on the fact that he was going to get high in a few minutes.

He met Sirius in the bathroom and did a line. Sirius did another one. At that point, he should have known it was not going to be a good night. But he felt so good. Looking back on it, he was sure that he and Sirius looked like the messes that they were at the restaurant. They drank their wine fast and ordered another bottle. They barely ate their food. Sirius barely had two bites. But Sirius did leave a very nice tip, so hopefully that made up for something to the staff.

“Let’s go dancing!” Sirius said eagerly. They were standing in front of the restaurant. Sirius had forgotten his phone so they were sans transportation. It didn’t matter though because Remus had done another line, so he could have run to the club if he needed to.

“Yes! You’re brilliant. Love you. Fuck, I love you so much Padfoot.” Remus kissed Sirius neck. “Come on.”

“Always,” Sirius let Remus lead the way. He couldn’t care much about how long it would take to walk there. Remus was thinking about the warmth of the club and the pulse of the music. He was thinking about getting his hands on Sirius and how the other man felt against him when they danced.

They made it to the club, which seemed to take less time to get to than Remus thought it would have. The place was full, and the music was spilling on to the street. Sirius immediately pulled them to the bar after checking their coats and ordered two shots.

Remus gladly took the offered shot and downed it. He dragged Sirius out on to the floor and the danced and danced. He felt invincible at the moment. Like nothing could hurt him and that everything was going to be okay, always.

They danced and drank the entire night away. That was until Sirius said he was feeling ill then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of him. “‘M so sorry, Moony.”

“It’s all right, Pads.” Remus smiled before being dragged off by security. They were tossed their coats after Sirius screamed about how expensive his coat was and he was going to sue.

Sirius leaned against the wall next to the club and frown. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry love.” Remus sighed, feeling dizzy and disoriented. “How… how do we get home?”

In reality, home was an acceptable walking distance. It wouldn’t have taken more than forty-five minutes. But it was three in the morning and they were both wasted. Remus wasn’t even sure which way to go. He should have gone left and walked to the first intersection, take a left up a few streets then a right then a left then straight on until they were home.

“We walk. We’re smart. You’re very smart.” Sirius patted Remus' cheek. “Let’s go!” He pointed ahead and they began to walk.

They somehow managed to end up in the park, which was by the other side of campus that Remus never really frequented. They also had managed to get there in an hour and a half. That meant they went the roundabout way to get home. “I’m tired,” Sirius complained, sitting down on a bench. “Nap.”

“Yeah, okay.” Remus sat down on the bench and Sirius laid his head on his lap.

It was a very good thing that it was an unseasonably warm February morning because they would have got frostbite otherwise. Or hypothermia. Not that it mattered at that point in time because he was too far gone. It was lucky that they were even alive. Remus didn’t even mean to close his eyes but he did and when he woke up he felt like a house had flattened him.

“Sirius, Sirius we have to get home. It’s cold and now it’s light out.” Remus rubbed his head. He needed to crawl into bed.

“Fuck,” Sirius groaned. “What’d we do? Where are we?”

Remus refreshed his memory, even though his was very blurred and fuzzy. In the cold light of day, Remus was able to get them back home. They didn’t speak the entire way, which was perfectly fine with Remus because he was so fucking exhausted and hungover.

When they got to the house, James was waiting at the dining room table with Lily. They were having a cuppa and looking as if they didn’t sleep. “Ah, Evans, you spent the night. That’s nice.” Sirius said, running a hand through his hair.

“Where the fuck were you two?” James shouted, throwing his hands up.

“We had a very good time last night and —”

“We stayed in the dorms. One of my classmates let us. We ran into them when we were out.” Remus supplied. He couldn’t tell him that they slept in the bloody park. That just sounded like too much of a new low for Remus to admit to anyone but Sirius.

“Why didn’t you call? I would have picked you up.” James said.

“My phone was dead,” Remus said with a long sigh. He wasn’t lying. He had never charged it before he went out. It was dead before they even got to the club.

“I left mine here.” Sirius frowned. “Sorry, Prongs. I didn’t mean to ruin your first date with Lily.”

“You didn’t ruin it. It wasn’t until early this morning he realized you weren’t here. And no, I did not sleep with him. Not that it matters. We were up talking.” Lily said quickly.

Remus nodded, “Ah, I’m going to go sleep in my bed for a while.”

“Yeah, me too. Sorry, James.” Sirius hugged Prongs before following Remus to his room.


	7. Chapter 7

**June 2018**

“I know, that you’re always going to stand, supporting me even in the hardest time,” James said, holding on tight to Lily’s hands. They were exchanging vows on a beautiful early summer day. Lily was looking positively radiant with flowers in her red hair. Her beautiful lace dress was just the right amount of flowy for an outdoor wedding. James was wearing a smart blue tux, similar to the one Remus was wearing as best man. They looked like the perfect match.

“You’re going to love me no matter what. I know that I’m going to do the same for you. Lily Evans, you’re my dream. For months I made a fool out of myself because I wanted you to fancy me and I don’t know how it worked but I’m glad it did. You’re my best friend — no offense Remus or Peter. And I’m so glad you put up with my mates and you care for them just as much as I do. I promise to love you even more than I love you today the rest of our lives. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you, Lily.”

Remus grinned, watching Lily reach up to wipe away a tear that escaped James’ eyes before she asked Mary for her vows that were on a piece of folded paper. “James Potter, sometimes I think about how long you waited for this moment and I laugh. Stereotypically, the girl that’s supposed to do that. But we aren’t the biggest fan of following the script, are we? Also, screw stereotypes. We write our own way through things.

“I’ve loved you for seven years and each one of them have been better than the last. I promise you that I’ll be next to you through thick and thin. I want to be the person who grows old with you and makes you laugh every day. I love you, James, so much. I can’t wait to make to this thing all legal and official.” She laughed.

After exchanging their vows, they did the rings and kissed. Remus was sure he had never seen two people so happy, so in love before. He wanted that. He felt like he was aching for that at the moment. Which didn’t seem fair because he had Gideon. Except, he didn’t feel that way for Gid, did he? He never looked at anyone the way James was looking at Lily and Lily was looking at James. It seemed like he was never going to find that true love if he couldn’t have it with someone as lovely as Gideon. That wasn’t a good feeling to have when he was standing in front of all of James and Lily’s friends and family in the gardens of the Potter Estate an hour outside of the London.

When he did the recession down the aisle, he looked at Gideon who was looking at him fondly, which was nice. But something was missing. He couldn’t explain it and if he tried he would have sounded mad. He felt a little mad because he was sure he was only feeling this way because he was attending a wedding. Weddings did weird things to people in their late twenties. It was like life was shouting at you to settle down and get on with it for the long haul. Which was a ridiculous societal expectation but Remus could still feel it.

“You all right, Re?” Mary questioned once they were on the side of the house, away from the rest of the guests. They had pictures to take as everyone else enjoyed the cocktail hour in the garden before going under the large tent for the reception.

“Why wouldn’t I be? My best mate married my other best mate and they’re ridiculously happy.” He smiled as James and Lily kissed again.

“Mare’s right. You’re looking a bit down.” Peter patted him on the back.

“I’m fine, Christ.” Remus laughed it off. He was not about to tell everyone that he was thinking about how much he didn’t love Gideon as much as he wished he did. That wasn’t exactly appropriate wedding conversation, he reasoned. This day was about Lily and James, not anyone else. He had plenty of other days to deal with his feelings.

They took about five million photos around the estate, Remus was sure that his face was going to be frozen into the permanently smiling position. By the time they were finished, everyone was in the tent for the reception. Remus was sat at the front table with James, Lily, Mary, Marlene, Peter, and the Potters and Evans. It was speech time, which stressed Remus out a little. He wasn’t sure how to capture the love of James and Lily correctly as well as how much he loved them.

He stood up, taking the microphone and just started talking from his heart. It was his job to make arguments sound good and logical publicly. He could give a decent speech. “I tried very hard to write down some amazing words for James and Lily but nothing quite fit,” Remus said, looking out into the crowd. His eyes landed on the table where Gid, Sirius, Regulus, Tonks, Bill, and Charlie were. He saw Sirius looking at him intently, which made his heart do that daft thing again. He hated it.

“James was a complete and utter moron when he was trying to woo Lily Evans. I and the rest our mates took the mickey out of him constantly because he was trying so hard to impress her. I remember Sirius saying that Lily would never date him, let alone marry him one day. I agreed wholeheartedly at that point in time.” Everyone laughed. “For those of you who knew Sirius and I well back then, you would understand that we were always usually wrong. Thank god we were wrong because I can’t imagine James with anyone else. I also can’t remember the time James was James without Lily. I can barely remember when she was just some sassy girl in my philosophy class who Marlene and Mary dragged into our study group.

“I do however vividly remember James and Sirius making daft faces while they were waiting for us to finish in the library. Then I remember James trying to chat Lils up while the rest of us sat there cringing because he was just so bad at it. I could never forget the critical look on Lily’s face when I invited the girls to a party on that Saturday like she was sizing us up. Specifically James. She ended up going, by the way. So it’s all thanks to me they’re together.” The crowd chuckled again.

“When she and the girls left the library that day Sirius and I were treated to the first verses of Lily Evans: The Most Beautiful and Wonderful Creature to Walk This Earth. He waxed poetically about her so much we wanted to start a journal to capture his words. In these first verses, James called her a walking goddess and commented on the fact that he should be lucky to even speak to her. He also said that he’d never be able to date her because she was too good for him.

“Obviously, he was just as wrong as Sirius and I because we’re here today. There are no words for me to express how happy I am for my two best friends,” He smiled at James and Lily. “You are both rocks who are there for your friends no matter what. I can’t wait to see what the next steps in your journey are going to bring you. But whatever it brings, you’ll conquer it together just as you always do,” Remus held up his glass. “To James and Lily.”

“James and Lily!” The crowd cheered and took a drink.

After that it was all fun, food, and dancing. Remus was spinning Tonks around the floor for about five minutes before a slow song came on. Instead of finding Charlie she pulled Remus into dance. “I saw you looking at him earlier,” Tonks said quietly, looking a little sad.

“What are you on about, Nymphadora?”

“Oh, full name. I’m on to something.” She rolled her eyes. “Sirius, you were looking at him all starry-eyed. You also mentioned him a few times in your speech.”

“I was not and I only mentioned him because he happened to be in the story I was telling.” Remus huffed.

“Remus, do you love Gideon?” She frowned. “Do you love him enough to marry him someday.”

“I — I — why are you asking that? James and Lily have been dating for ages and they’re just marrying now.”

“They knew for a long while this was forever. Also, because if you can’t do that, then you should put him out of his misery before it’s too late. Gideon loves you and I think he’d get down on his knee tomorrow if you showed the slightest interest in walking down the aisle. I think you love him, someway, but not in the same way.”

Remus glanced over at Gid, who was laughing with his brother and James about something. “How can you tell?”

“I don’t know, I just can.” She shrugged.

“Can everyone else?” Remus panicked a little that he was being obvious.

“I don’t know.” She said. “Am I even right?”

Remus nodded solemnly. “I want to love him like that.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know. What if I don’t know how to love like that?” He always wondered if he was just broken enough for him not to be able to love someone else. Properly, not in the frantic way he loved Sirius before.

She shrugged, “I think you need to figure it out soon enough.”

“I know.” Remus sighed. “I wasn’t looking at Sirius all starry-eyed, though. I was talking about James and Lily.”

“Sure you weren’t. I’ll concede on that.”

He wasn’t. He just happened to look at Sirius when he was feeling happy for Lily and James. Remus knew there was no way he could go down that road again. He was a completely different person. Being friends with Sirius was fine. He was rather enjoying it. He was not going close to there, even if his stupid heart kept doing that stupid thing.

When the song finished, Remus went to sit with Gideon and the others. They talked and had a few drinks. Remus eventually got Gideon to dance a little. The other man hated dancing because he said he felt so offbeat but he looked like he was enjoying it at the time. Remus was willing himself to feel something more for the man. Gideon was sweet and funny. He had his own business. He was an excellent friend. They had good sex. But something was missing that Remus couldn’t put his finger on. He hated it. Whatever it was.

As the wedding wound down, people left but then there were a few who lingered. All of those were their closest friends. Lily, James, Bill, Charlie, Gideon, Fab, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Peter, Em, Sirius, Regulus, Tonks, and Remus were the last ones left in the tent. Even the staff who had served drinks and food and played music had gone. The Potters were off in the house, probably fast asleep. But these fifteen people lingered, which was no surprise. They all squeezed around a table, talking loudly and laughing.

Remus was leaning into Gideon heavily, feeling a bit tired but he didn’t want to go to sleep and miss time with his mates. “Let’s play truth or drink!” James suggested loudly, over everyone else.

“We’re nearing thirty, Potter.” Remus scoffed.

“It’s my wedding. I want to play truth or drink.”

“His way or the highway, there Remus. I thought you knew that.” Sirius, who was sitting next to him laughed. Remus hated that Sirius was sitting next to him. Of course he was sitting next to Remus, why wouldn’t he be?

“Could be fun.” Lily agreed.

“They’re officially one person,” Gid said.

“Me first! I get to ask first. I ask then Lily goes and we’ll go around the table that way. Anyone is game when you ask. But try to spread the wealth so you can’t ask the same person twice in a row. If you pass you must take a shot.”

Everyone agreed with James’ demands. Then he went to ask his wife the first question of the night. She picked truth and he asked her if she had to marry any other person in the room who would it be. “Oh, Moony of fucking course!” Lily rolled her eyes. “We always knew he was the second choice.”

Everyone laughed.

They went around and Remus was spared until they got to Dorcas. “All right, Remus. If you had to sleep with anyone at the table — aside from the two men you already shagged because I feel like that’s a cop out — who would it be?”

Remus looked around at the table, considering the company he was in. He could have said Fabian but that felt like cheating because he and Gideon were identical. He didn’t want to shag anyone else. Though he always thought Marlene was beautiful. “Your girlfriend.”

Instead of making a fake jealous comment, Dorcas and Marlene looked at each other and high-fived. “Hell yeah, I have a hot girlfriend.” Dorcas laughed.

“What you doing later, Moons? Want to come visit our room?” Marlene winked, trying to look seductive.

“No, I’m good. I’m not interested in a threesome with my best mates.”

“What a bummer. I wanted to know… oh, it’s my turn.” Marlene said. “Gid, how big is Remus’ cock? Marlene and I were talking about how he has Big Dick Energy the other day.”

“Big Dick what?” Regulus furrowed his brow.

“You don’t spend enough time online. What type of millennial are you?” Sirius laughed.

Gid looked at Remus, who just shrugged and rolled his eyes. “He’s very — well endowed.”

“He’s huge!” James shouted and Remus felt himself flush. “Makes me a bit jealous.”

“Oi, what are you doing looking at my dick, Prongs?” Remus looked at him like he was mad.

“Come off it. I walked in on you and Sirius enough during uni.”

“Yeah, too many times because you don’t know how to bloody knock, you wanker.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “I can also confirm. It’s big. He doesn’t just have the energy. He lives the life.”

“I still don’t understand this energy,” Regulus complained and Em agreed with him.

“He has the confidence of someone who’s… packing.” Peter offered making a funny face.

“Packing.” Remus snorted a laugh. “Can we stop talking about my penis and move on?”

“It just a very nice one, is all.” Gid nodded and he swore he heard Sirius hum in agreement.

They finally moved on from Remus and after a few more people James decided to add dare into things because he was getting bored with the truth. It was typical: strip, run stackers through the garden, eat that weird thing left on the table, do a backflip, show us your weird talent. Everyone except Sirius and Remus were wasted at this point. It wasn’t as enjoyable without being so drunk. At least he had someone in solidarity now. And it was rather funny to watch everyone else make fools of themselves.

“Sirius! Sirius! Truth or Dare!” Tonks asked looked at her cousin. She was squinting like she was trying to stop him from moving. He was sitting still. Remus was worried what was going to come out of her mouth either way. She loved meddling and had little tact, especially after a few and she had had far more than a few now.

“Ah, dare, I guess.”

“Snog the best-looking person in this room.”

“It’s got to be a good snog, tongue and everything,” James added on to the dare.

“Potter, you bloody voyeur.” Remus could hear his heart thudding in his ears as Sirius shifted a bit uncomfortably in his seat.

“Well, if I did that then I’d worry about being chinned by their lovely boyfriend. Who I think is just amazing and they should be together forever. Also, it might be a bit awkward seeing as we used to date.”

“Nah, you can kiss him. I don’t care.” Gideon said. “It’s just a game.”

Remus wished that Gideon was a jealous person at the moment. But he wasn’t. He was just so bloody nice.

“You could drink.”

“I’ve had enough tonight,” Sirius said as James was reaching for the bottle of vodka on the table. “Er, fine. Remus?”

“Yep. No problem.” Remus cleared his throat. He was going to murder Tonks. Then Gideon. Then James for choosing this game in the first fucking place. He turned a bit to face Sirius, who was looking slightly nervous.

“To old times.” Sirius placed a hand on Remus’ shoulder.

“If you say so,” Remus said before Sirius leaned in to press their lips together. He felt his breath catch at the contact.

Marlene started to chat, “Tongue! Tongue! Tongue!” and everyone else joined in. Sirius huffed a breath before moving his hand to the back of Remus’ neck and pulling him closer. Remus opened his mouth and let Sirius’ tongue graze against him. Remus felt like he was going to pass out. Kissing Sirius was so familiar that it almost hurt. He smelt different, though. He even felt different as Remus rested his hands on his waist. But he still felt completely comfortable in the embrace.

Well, he would have been entirely comfortable if everyone wasn’t cheering them on. When they pulled apart everyone ‘awwed’. “Christ, you all have unfortunate lives,” Remus muttered, not making eye contact with anyone. He felt like his lips were tingling and the place where Sirius’ hand had been felt like it was on fire.

Remus could barely focus the last few people. Lily declared it was time to sleep after a very long yawn. They made their way inside and the ones who hadn’t planned on staying the night found rooms. Remus planned ahead so he and Gideon headed to his usual room at the Potter Estate. Once he was behind their closed doors, Remus pressed Gideon against the wall and kissed him. He kissed him, hoping that he would feel the same way after he had kissed Sirius. But he didn’t. So, he proceeded to make love to Gideon, hoping that would solve all of his problems. It didn’t.

Sirius would laugh at that, Remus thought as he laid in bed afterward. Gid had drifted off to sleep peacefully. Sex never solved or fixed anything. It was great but it was only really fantastic with people he loved or he thought he loved in those moments. Now, he was sure he didn’t love Gideon and sleeping with him wasn’t going to change that.

The next morning, Remus was the first awake, outside of Effie and Monty. He took a cup of coffee and went out back into the garden, sitting on the steps that overlooked the open area where James and Lily had their ceremony the day before. People were milling about, taking things out of the tent and cleaning up. Remus took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. It was a new day and he still didn’t have any answers. He didn’t feel like anything was solved. He didn’t know what to do.

“I’m sorry,” Remus nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Sirius’ voice behind him.

“About?” He raised an eyebrow as Sirius came to sit next to him.

“The kiss. I should have just snogged someone else but I didn’t feel okay with that and I couldn’t take another shot. I should have been an adult and just told them all to fuck off. But I feel like the new kid for some reason. Well, not for any reason. You lot have had so many years to catch up to.”

“Sirius, it’s fine. Honestly,” It wasn’t fine but it wasn’t Sirius’ fault that it wasn’t fine. He wasn’t going to complain to him that the kiss just seemed to solidify that he wasn’t meant to be with Gideon.

“Thank god, I was worried. I like Gid. You and him are good together.”

Remus just smiled.

“Oh no, what’s that smile for?” Sirius said then took a sip of his coffee.

“What, it’s a smile?” He held up a hand.

“It’s the ‘I’m displeased/something is wrong’ smile.” Sirius pointed out. “It’s been six years but I remember some of your tells.”

“Don’t worry. It has nothing to do with you.” He assured him.

“Well, whatever is going on, I hope you figure it out.”

Remus hoped he could figure it out too.

*******   
**May 2011**

One more year. Remus thought to himself as he walked by the graduates who were taking pictures in front of the chapel. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do after he graduated next year. Well, he did, hypothetically. He knew that he was going to continue on with his education to become a barrister. But he didn’t know much else. He had no idea who was going to be staying around Hogwarts. James was probably going to work for his dad. Peter was probably going to London as well. He didn’t know if Sirius was going to end up going back home or not. He was completely clueless.

Remus hated himself because he let himself get close to these three blokes and in turn their extended network of friends and family. Remus should have just asked his aunt if he could live alone. He was fine before, and now he had to worry about who was going to leave him at the end of this all. No one would want to be around him once they weren’t forced to be there by proximity. He’d drop off their radar, especially when things got busy with his GDL and all the shite that came after.

“Why the long face?” Lily asked she had been walking with him. They had been at the bookstore returning books they no longer needed.

“Huh, nothing.” Remus shrugged.

“Mmm, that look is saying else wise.”

“You do spend too much time with James. You’re beginning to sound just like him.” He bumped his shoulder into hers.

“Oh, please, I’m far better at reading people than Potter. He’s oblivious to everything. I think he wouldn’t have realized I fancied him if I didn’t tell him. I’m sure he had no idea that you and Sirius were a couple until he either was told or walked in on you two.”

“That reminds me, can you please train him to knock before he enters a bloody room?” Remus shook his head. James always seemed to pick those just perfect times to come barging into Remus’ room.

“Yeah, well, teach Sirius the same.”

“At least Sirius doesn’t linger. He interrupts then goes away. James comes right on in. He sat on the bed once when I was still inside Sirius!” Remus complained. “Sirius was mortified. I was mortified!”

“As I said, he’s fucking oblivious.” Lily scoffed. “We’re getting off topic here, Lupin.” She said warningly. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, just thinking about the future.”

“Ah, existential crisis.” Lily looped her arm throw Remus’. “What’s wrong with the future?”

“It’s uncertain.”

“As it is the future.” She nodded. “Remus, we can’t predict everything that’s going to happen. If we sit and dwell on what’s going to happen, we’d never actually do anything.”

Not doing anything, sounding somewhat nice to Remus. Maybe he would enjoy doing nothing. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about anything. He could sit in front of his computer all day and worry about what was going on on the internet. That could work, right? “Sounds appealing.”

“It’s not. You’re going to be a fancy barrister married to a handsome man.”

“Who is probably moving back to Bangkok in a year.”

“He doesn’t want to go back, does he?” Lily frowned. “It doesn’t sound like it’s exactly the best environment for him to be in.”

“I don’t know. He never talks about it.” When Remus tried to talk about it with him once, Sirius locked himself in the bathroom for most of the night.

Lily didn’t say anything to that. She just rested her head on Remus’ shoulder for a moment. Remus wished that he could tell her how scared he was. It wasn’t a crisis. It was something different. It was depression and anxiety. It wasn’t just something that happened to everyone. It was heavy and he didn’t know what to do about it. He hoped he could make it through the year and come out the other end okay. But he had a feeling that even if he made it out, he wasn’t going to be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**July 2018**

So, Remus meant to break up with Gideon after the wedding weekend. He really did. He was going to get back to the flat and just confess to Gideon that they needed to end things because Remus did not love him as much as he should. But then he panicked and it went on and on. Now he was two weeks out and still with Gideon. This was not good. He was trying to work things out to make himself love Gideon in a way he couldn’t. He knew it was futile. It wasn’t going to happen. He just needed to get the break up over with. That was easier said than done, it seemed.

On Thursday, nearly two weeks after the wedding, Remus found himself in Poppy’s office. He had explained to her everything he had been feeling about Gideon as well as what had happened on the day of James and Lily’s wedding. She was looking at him critically, which made Remus nervous because he felt like he was doing something wrong. He was doing something wrong, obviously, but he didn’t want to talk about it. Except that he did because that was why he went to Poppy.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Remus, I think you do.” Poppy shook her head. “You said you need to break up with him. That’s what you have to do.”

“I know. I’m just afraid.” Remus ran a hand through his curls.

“Why are you afraid?” She pressed him to go deeper. He always hated that a little.

“I’m afraid because — because I don’t want to be alone again. I felt so alone for so long that I don’t want to go back.”

“Maybe you need to learn how to be happy alone, Remus. You can’t rely on others to bring you happiness and comfort. You need to bring it to yourself. You are very capable of doing it. You’ve said many times you like your alone time.”

“Alone time is different than being alone. It’s — alone time is self-care. Being alone brings me back to not good places.”

“You’re not completely alone. Think of this time as alone time.”

“I know, I have plenty of people around me who love me. But they all — well most of them have significant others who they’re either married to or may as well be married to. I keep thinking I’ll never have that. I look at them all and feel so sad. Not for them, but for me. Which is horrible because I hate self-pity and they’re all so amazing and deserve that happiness.”

Poppy nodded with a sigh. “Remus, you’re still young. Just because you haven’t found it yet, doesn’t mean you won’t. But I would suggest, once you leave Gideon, to take a step back from dating for a while. Don’t even do something casual. It might help you figure things out.”

“So, I’m fixing myself before I date someone else?”

“I’m not saying that. I hate that. People are able to work on themselves while dating someone.” She shook her head. “It’s that I think you need to figure out what you want before you date someone. You clearly want to be in love but you don’t know how to be or who to be in love with. Taking a step back might help you gain perspective.”

Remus could understand what she was saying but it still scared him. The thought of being alone terrified him more now than ever before. It would make him reflect on his life and think about what he wanted in love. What he thought it felt like. To be honest, he was afraid of what that answer was.

He couldn’t dwell too much on his appointment with Poppy or what he was going to have to think about afterward because he was going to dinner with Sirius, Regulus, Charlie, Gideon, and Sirius’ wife (!!!! WIFE !!! — That’s how Remus thought of her in his head) Fleur. There was no way he could break up with Gideon before that. There wasn’t enough time. He needed to do it over the weekend when they had some alone time. It wouldn’t be fair to ruin the night for everyone. He was interested in meeting the woman who was Sirius’ partner in crime for a while.

Remus and Gideon were the last to arrive because he had been meandering just a bit following his appointment. Gideon did not seem to be acting as if anything was going wrong with their relationship. Remus thought that was worse. He wished that the other man saw that things were going to be ending soon. But there was just no sign of it.

“Moony! Gid! There you are.” Charlie smiled when he saw Remus and Gideon looking for them.

“Fleur, this is Remus and Gideon,” Sirius said as Remus took a seat next to the beautiful blonde woman next to him. She looked very French. If Sirius and Fleur were straight or even just interested in making some kids together, Remus thought the babies would be stunning.

“Ah, this infamous Remus Lupin.” She said, with a slight French accent. “It is so nice to meet you finally.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. How much did Sirius tell Fleur about him? He hoped not too much. Why would Sirius talk about him anyway? They were old news, ancient news. It wasn’t as if he started “dating” Fleur right away. There had been a year before Sirius entered a relationship with her, plenty of time to get over Remus and not talk about it so much. “Oh, all lies and slander, I assure you.”

“Ha, from what I hear you are very sweet.” She smiled, resting a hand on his shoulder.

He heard Sirius huff a breath across the table from him, next to Gideon. Remus wanted to send him a questioning look but he felt like his face would betray him.

“See, lies and slander. I am very rude.” Remus snickered, he continued his focus on the woman next to him.

“He told me that as well.” Fleur smiled at him then looked at Gideon. “It’s nice to meet you too Gideon. Sirius has spoken less about you.”

“Well, Sirius has more to say about that one, so it’s no surprise.” Gideon shook his head. Remus wondered, for the first time if Gideon was jealous of Sirius. There was something in his voice when he said that. “How do you like London so far?”

“It’s very nice. I lived in Paris until I was ten then my family and I moved to Bangkok so my father could work at the Black’s company.” Fleur explained. “London, so far, is my favorite place of residence even if it’s only been a week.”

“It does help that the girl she fancies is here.”

“It does.” She said with a shrug.

Remus loved Fleur. She was a bit of a spitfire and Remus could understand why Sirius choose her to be the one to help him fool his parents. Fleur seemed leveled headed, ready to take on the world. Now that they were divorced and she was on her own, Fleur seemed ready to go. But she also seemed to care about Sirius in a way that made Remus feel so happy that he had someone. For a while, he thought of Sirius alone. It hurt to think of him that way when Remus was surrounded by friends to love him and help him. Sirius needed that too. He didn’t get it from his parents and Reg had his things to deal with. Thankfully, it seemed, Sirius had Fleur.

Charlie and Regulus left after they finished desert because they had tickets to see a movie. So it left Sirius, Fleur, Remus, and Gideon. Sirius joked that Reg just ditched so he didn’t have to pay for his share. Fleur tsked and offered to pay for everyone but the men refused, saying it was their treat since she just moved. “You’re all very gentlemanly.” She laughed. “Do you know any gentleman for our Sirius here?”

“All my friends are straight or taken,” Gideon said.

Remus just shook his head. He was sure if he could set Sirius up with anyone. The thought of it was so strange to him. He did not like the feeling he had when he thought of it. “Sorry, I’m in about the same boat as Gideon.”

“No worries, we’ll find you someone to love soon enough.” Fleur smiled at Sirius that said they were sharing some sort of inside joke.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Anyway, thank you for coming tonight. It was so great to meet you both. I hope I can meet the rest of your friends soon. Sirius tells me James and Lily are off on their honeymoon.”

“They’ll be back this week,” Remus said. “Marlene is throwing Dorcas a surprise party at James’ and Lil’s place Friday night. You should join us. Hestia too.” Hestia was Fleur’s soon to be girlfriend.

“That would be very nice. Thank you, Remus. I will see you there.” She kissed him on the cheek. “See, sweet!” Fleur pointed at him.

“It’s a cover,” Remus assured her.

“Geez, if Fleur wasn’t only interested in women, I would say you’re flirting with each other.” Sirius laughed loudly.

“I just feel like I know him very well,” Fleur said with a smile.

“I mean, she is gorgeous but I’m not flirting,” Remus said with a laugh.

Sirius looked him in a funny way before standing up. “It has been a nice night, but I’m knackered.”

They made their way home after goodbyes, Gideon held his hand the whole way. Remus knew he should have just talked to him as they walked. He should have said ‘Gideon, I’m not sure if this is the right relationship for me. I don’t love you like you love me’. Those words didn’t want to come out of his mouth. Probably because he was a bloody coward.

When they made it back to the flat, Gideon kissed Remus sweetly then backed him against the wall of the entryway. The kissed went well past sweet and deep into dirty. Remus let himself be kissed. His hands wandered over the other man’s body, trying to give back more to Gideon than he was feeling. He decided that it was the last time they would be sleeping together. He needed to get it together before he dragged the poor bloke on any longer.

Gideon pulled away and mumbled something about a bed before tugging as Remus’ hand to follow him to the bedroom. Remus did as asked and soon enough he was on his back with Gideon between his legs. The other man’s tongue was doing some wonderful things to his cock. He closed his eyes and enjoyed, threading his fingers through the other man’s hair.

At one point in his enjoyment of the wonderful blowjob Remus moaned, “Sirius”. Oh. Fuck.

“What?” Gideon sat up.

Remus shot out of bed like he was going to be able to move past it if he just ran away. But there was no running away. He had just moaned Sirius’ name in bed. He was not thinking about Sirius. His mind was just sort of blank and thinking about how good it felt. He was trying to purposely not think of anyone or anything but Gideon’s mouth. “I — I swear I wasn’t — he wasn’t in my brain.”

“Well, he was somewhere in there even if you don’t think that he was.” Gideon rubbed his face as he watched Remus pull on his boxer briefs. “Remus, do you still have feelings for him?”

“It’s — no, I don’t. I don’t know why I just did that.” Remus started to pace, feeling his heart do that daft pounding thing again. “Oh god.” He shook his head.

“It’s okay Remus. I mean, it’s not okay but I’ve been wondering if something’s going on.”

“There is but it doesn’t have to do with Sirius,” Remus said. “It doesn’t but the timing of it makes it look like it.”

Gideon frowned, furrowing his brow. “Remus, what’s wrong?”

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to break up with you.” He said quickly. “Since James and Lily’s wedding. I realized I don’t love you like that. I — I can’t for some reason.”

“Remus, you could have just told me,” Gideon said calmly.

“Why aren’t you angry? Can’t you yell about this?” Remus questioned him. He felt like anyone else would have been up in arms that their boyfriend said another name in bed and was now breaking up with them.

“It’s not going to help. I’m not going to change your mind no matter what I say or do. Remus, you’re a great friend and I don’t want to ruin that for us. I want to make this as amicable as possible.”

Remus wanted to cringe because the word made him think of his break up with Sirius. It was amicable but it didn’t make it any better. “I was standing there at the wedding looking at James and Lily and I — I didn’t feel it with us. I don’t see the way they look at one another in the way we look at one another. Then I realized I don’t love you like that.”

Gideon nodded.

“I wish I did,” Remus said, feeling tears welling in his eyes and his vision became a bit watery. “I do wish that I did because you’re so amazing. I don’t think I deserve you.”

“Remus, you deserve anyone who is good to you. You deserve me but we just aren’t meant for each other.” He assured him. “I wish you didn’t end it like this. The whole moaning Sirius’ name.” He scoffed.

“I don’t know where that came from. I promise you.”

“I think it’s time that you give it a good long think about where it came from, love.” Gideon stood up from the bed. “Look, Remus, you’re amazing but I understand why you’re doing this. I’ve been feeling like something been off. I’m going to be sad for a little while but I’ll survive.”

“Okay, no one’s going to hate me for this, are they?”

“God no,” Gideon pulled on his shirt. “We’ll make sure everyone knows that there are no hard feelings. I mean, I have some hard feelings but they’ll thaw soon enough.”

“I’ll make sure to avoid you for a bit.”

“Same. I need a little time.” He nodded. “Just don’t go snogging Sirius right away.”

“I wouldn’t even think of it. I don’t want to snog anyone at the moment.” Remus closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Gideon. This is the very last way that I wanted to do this.”

“Remus, you have to learn how to talk about things before they build up and bubble over into something else.” He said as he slipped on his shoes. Gideon spoke as Remus sat down on the edge of his bed. “I know it’s not easy but I think you need someone in your life that you can tell things to. That might be what you’re missing.”

Remus nodded, “I wish this would work out.”

“I wish this would work out too but it’s not going to. We gave it a good try.” Gideon kissed him on the top of his head. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.”

Remus watched Gideon leave the room then listened to the front door close. He stood up and went to lock up behind him after counting to ten. Oddly enough, Remus felt better now that it was over. Granted, it was not his most graceful exit. He had broken up with people before without moaning the name of an ex-boyfriend in bed then just spilling it all.

Now Remus has the task to figure out what love was. He had read plenty of books, watched plenty of movies, and seen plenty of shows so he thought he should have some type of idea. But he couldn’t grasp it. Love was far too obscure for him to understand without experiencing it. He had hoped by 28 that he would know what that feeling was but the trauma in his past did a doozy on him getting close enough to anyone that way.

But it was far too late to think about what love was or what was to come next. He couldn’t figure all that out at the moment. He couldn’t solve his problems then and there. It was going to take some time. Some time that he now had being single and all.

*******

The next day at seven next morning, Remus woke up to a knock on his front door. It was surprising because usually, it was James or Lily coming to find him after something happened. But they were away on their honeymoon in Spain still. Behind the door was Tonks with two cups of coffee and a box of donuts. Her hair was now a bright blue, which was new. “Wotcher, Remus?”

“Ah, hi.” Remus let her in. “What’s going on? I have to get ready for work soon.”

“Well, Gideon came to open the shop so they could get ready for that event they have today and he was all mopey. I was hanging out with Bill before going to the office. He told us you broke up, so I decided to come here and get the story from you.” She smiled somewhat sadly. “So, was it Sirius? Are you going for it?”

“What?” Remus took one of the coffees from her. “No, it was not Sirius.”

“Really? You sure?” She made a face.

“It was not Sirius. I just left Gideon. It was about what we talked about at the wedding. I don’t love him and it took me a while to get the bollocks to do it.” Remus heaved a sigh.

“So, how’d it happen?”

Remus shrugged, running a hand through his curls. “Look, it sounds more incriminating than it is. Don’t jump to conclusions.”

“Okay, go ahead.”

“I didn’t get the bollocks suddenly, I lied. It mainly happened because I said Sirius’ name in bed.”

Tonks went wide-eyed.

“I wasn’t thinking about him. I swear to all things good and unholy. It just — it came out when I was — it was the worst feeling I ever had in my life.”

“Shite.” She said softly.

“Yeah!” Remus threw a hand in the air, leaning against the island in his kitchen. “I told him afterward I didn’t love him and all that rot that I’ve been turning over. But I don’t think he believes me. He probably assumes that I’m going to hop right into things with Sirius. That’s the fucking last thing that I want.” Remus rambled, feeling a bit less calm than he had been when he had drifted off to sleep last night. It was as if the reality of it all had hit him finally.

“You’re a disaster.” Tonks shook her head.

“I know. That part of me is always just below the fucking surface.” Remus complained. “Does he hate me?”

“No, he does not hate you,” Tonks said firmly. “He’s sad but I think he does not hate you. He stated that you are going to be friends again eventually but he needs a little separation.”

“This is why you don’t date your mates,” Remus said.

“It’s going to be fine, Moony.” Tonks picked up a chocolate frosted doughnut. “To be honest, everyone thought after that kiss during truth or dare it was done for.”

Remus gaped at her, “What? First of all, why haven’t I killed you for that yet?”

“You love me?” She said meekly.

He glared at her for a moment. “Second, are you lot talking about that kiss? What are you saying? What’s going on?”

“I mean, there have been murmurings that it was a pretty hot kiss and that no one has seen you kiss Gideon like that before.”

“Sirius and I are not getting back together. Nope.”

“This is weird to say since Sirius is my cousin and you’re practically like a big brother to me. But they write love stories that end in kisses like that.” Nymphadora said, looking a bit glassy-eyed.

“You're ridiculous.”

“I’m saying, maybe, just think about it.”

“I have other things to think about right now. I’m not thinking about that. I still haven’t properly talked with Sirius. That’s one of my main priorities.”

“All right, whatever.” Tonks shrugged.

Remus sighed. He needed to take care of talking to Sirius soon. He had put it off long enough. Poppy and Gideon were right. He needed to talk about things to people when he thought it was important.

 *******  
**December 2011**

Christmas was settling into the Marauder’s house. James loved going overboard on decorating. Peter was always baking or cooking. Now that Lily was around more, she was also into the Christmas spirit. She was the one who picked out the tree and she encouraged Remus to make hot chocolate whenever she was over. Sirius encouraged everyone to invest in ugly jumpers to wear whenever the mood struck in the month of December. Remus was sort of just along for the ride.

Life at the Marauder’s house was a lot quieter this term. Remus figured it was because the others were ready to grow up. Their adulthood was impending. Remus could still pretend not to worry for just a little while longer. He could get away with ignoring adulthood just for a bit. It also had to do with the fact that Lily had tamed James Potter, which was rather nice. Remus didn’t need to party every weekend. When he and Sirius wanted to have fun, they could have plenty without a house full of people.

Remus finished the joint before he rolled over and shoved his face into the back of the sofa. Lily and Peter were home with their respective parents. James was at the Potters, he had invited everyone but Sirius and Remus decided they wanted to stay at the house. Remus thought it would be the last time the two would spend any time alone together. That was why Remus was feeling so melancholy, even though the house was filled with fairy lights and the smell of Christmas.

“Moony, what are you doing here?” Sirius asked, coming in to the living room. He had been out shoveling because he said he needed to do something with his restless energy.

“Napping.”

“Did you smoke a joint without me?” Sirius laughed as he joined Remus on the sofa. He shoved his freezing hands up and under Remus’ jumper.

“Bloody fuck,” Remus jumped at the cold fingers trailing over his stomach.

Sirius chuckled, nuzzling Remus’ neck. “You love me.”

“Not for your icy hands. There are many more wonderful traits you have.”

They laid there quietly for a few minutes. Sirius’ hands began to warm up. Remus almost drifted off to sleep but Sirius broke the silence.

“Are you okay, Moony?” Sirius questioned him, keeping his voice quiet. It almost sounded like he was afraid he was going to scare Remus off.

Remus wanted to say so much in that moment. He wanted to ask Sirius if he was moving to Bangkok or if he was going to break away from his family and stay in the UK with him. He wanted to ask Sirius if he ever thought of getting help for his eating disorder. He wanted to talk about what life was going to be like in just a few short months. He wanted to ask Sirius if he loved him or if it was just convenient.

“Yeah, just, the weed was really good. I’m just really mellow right now.” But he couldn’t ask those questions. He couldn’t bring himself to fight with Sirius over this all. He didn’t want to send Sirius into some anxiety spiral either. The last time there was the slightest mention of the future and being around his family, he didn’t speak to Remus for two days and barely ate.

“You brat, you didn’t save me any.”

“Mmm, sorry.” Remus sighed as Sirius pressed a few kisses to his neck.

“When I’m old and grey, will you still lay with me like this?”

“Hmm, of course.” Remus smiled, trying to imagine himself and Sirius living until they were old and grey. That was a difficult concept. Remus still didn’t want to be alive. But he still somehow managed to soldier on. He hoped if he kept going then one day it would all just be okay. It would end up being fine and he would feel better without him doing anything.


	9. Chapter 9

**July 2018**

The week dragged on, the days all melted together with Remus thinking about what to do next. He had steered clear of the Prewetts and Weasleys for that week. That also meant not seeing Tonks. Marlene had asked for his help with shopping for Dorcas’ party on Wednesday, so that was a nice distraction. Regulus had texted him a few times about random things. James and Lily were tired from their honeymoon but he made sure to do dinner with them Thursday after work. He missed them and knew that they would have some things to say about him leaving Gideon.

When he had arrived at the Evans-Potter household, he was greeted by Lily who was sporting a lovely sunburn. “Don’t you dare say a word, Remus Lupin.” She threatened with a pointed finger to his chest as he couldn’t help but let out a few giggles. “I am a pasty white woman with very sensitive skin.”

“You poor little ginger thing.” Remus patted her softly on the cheek before going into the flat.

“Hate you.” She said with absolutely no malice at all.

“Love you,” Remus said as he found James sitting on the sofa watching telly. “All right, Prongs?”

“All right.” He smiled. He looked exhausted but delighted. “What’s new in your life? What’d we miss while we were away?”

“Ah, well, I broke up with Gideon,” Remus said as Lily came into the room.

They were all silent for a few seconds, the news droning on in the background. Remus wasn’t sure what was going to come out of their mouths when they finally spoke. It wasn’t like it was the first time he’d broken up with someone but Gideon was the first he was the most serious about since Sirius. Remus had spent the last few days attempting to come to terms with how to get their relationship back to how it was before they dated. Purely platonic. The idea of that was easier to swallow than adjusting to being anything with Sirius. He was still most worried about being lonely forever than he was about what was going to happen with Gideon.

In the week he still had not gathered any clue of what love looked like. He didn’t know how it differed from any relationship he was in before. Remus just knew he never had it. He could tell when others were in love. He could feel it. It was different. He just needed to figure out how to get there with someone.

“I knew it,” James said. “It was something at the wedding. And the week before after the stag do, you seemed doubtful when we were talking about love.”

“Mary and Peter were right. I heard them asking you what was going on. What happened while we were away to make it end?” Lily took a seat then patted the empty cushion next to her for him to sit.

“I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t love him like you love each other. I haven’t ever felt that way for anyone. It wasn’t fair to drag him along any longer than I already had.”

“But it you took how long to break it off with?”

“Ah, too long.” Remus shook his head. He did not want to tell James and Lily what had finally spurred the break-up. It was bad enough telling Tonks. As much as Tonks didn’t have tact, he knew she wouldn’t bring that up again. At least not until Remus was ready. He needed to spare himself from what Lily and James were going to say. He knew he needed to be open, that was something he was working on. But he could choose who to share that embarrassing part with, right?

“You’re doing okay?” Lily questioned, snuggling up to him carefully.

“Yes, actually. I mean, I put things off for so long because I was worried about being alone. I still am but — but it’s not as horrible as I thought.”

“You won’t be alone forever, Moony,” James assured him. “There’s someone out there who loves you for everything you are.”

“Mmm, god help that person.” He snickered.

“Stop being self-deprecating,” James warned him.

“It’s just hard sometimes. I have so much baggage and trust issues its sort of scary to bare that to other people.”

“There is someone out there, Moony, believe me.” He sounded so sure that it was as if James was hiding this person from Remus.

“Maybe it is the waiter.” Lily laughed, her green eyes shining. “Seen him recently?”

“No,” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m not dating for a bit anyway. I want to take some time to work out what love is and what it feels like. Poppy suggested it.”

Lily frowned, “Darling, are you sure you haven’t been in love? You and Sirius —”

“That was not love, Lily,” Remus said strongly. “Didn’t James tell you about our conversation and how I haven’t been in love and why Sirius and I weren’t in love? We were a disaster. We were combustible. We did burst into flames.”

“Yes, all about it but I don’t believe it. The part where you didn’t love Sirius, I mean.”

“Of course you don’t believe that part.” Remus snickered.

“Remus Lupin, I’ve known you to be many things. I’ve seen you overcome some of your scariest demons. I thought we were going to lose you. I’ve seen you grow and smile and laugh and finally be okay. And I’ve seen you in love.” She said sadly. “I saw you look at Sirius with so much care that it almost hurt. I heard how he spoke to you when you were having a bad time of it. I watched him watch you closely when things weren’t good. I saw how he fell apart after so many years when he found out you almost succeeded in taking your own life. Sirius Black loves you. You love him too. Or at least you did.”

Remus closed his eyes, shaking his head. “It was dangerous.”

“And you’re both so different now,” James said.

“I can’t,” Remus said. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t see himself loving Sirius. He worked so hard, for so long to end up happy finally. “I wish everyone would stop telling me that I love him. I’m still not really sure that we’re proper friends. How can I… I want to mates with him.”

“All right.” Lily gave him a squeeze. “It’s all right. Let’s get dinner. How’s that Greek place?”

“Sounds good.” Remus sighed, feeling a bit like he wanted to cry but he was resolute not to.

*******

The next day, Remus was over the Potter’s again. This time for Dorcas’ party. He hoped no one would give him any shite about how he was in love with Sirius because he was sick of hearing it. He also hoped that seeing Gideon wasn’t going to be too strange. It was going to be their first time interacting since they broke up. He was closing the shop, so he was going to be a little late.

“Remus! Hi!” Fleur smiled when she came into the living room of Lily and James’ flat. It was a large place but it was still very full since it was filled with Marlene and Dorcas’ mates. Some people Remus didn’t even know. But he was glad it was so busy since he was avoiding the Weasleys and Prewetts for the time being.

“Hi, Fleur, it’s good to see you again.” He kissed her on each cheek.

“This is Hestia,” She gestured to the woman next to her. She was shorter and curvier than Fleur and short black hair and a lip ring. She seemed like Fleur’s opposite. “Hestia, this is Remus.”

“Nice to meet you.” Remus shook her hand.

“You too! Thank you for inviting us. Your mates don’t mind?”

“No, as you can tell they love having people around. They love new friends. Especially queer new friends even though we are in a cis-straight couple’s apartment. They’re good ones, though.” Remus snorted a laugh.

“Ha, great then.” Hestia smiled.

“Is Sirius here?” Fleur asked.

“Yes, I saw him going towards the kitchen.”

“Great, I’m going to say hi. Hestia, would you like to come with?”

“I would love to. Again, thank you Remus,” The woman grinned, walking away with Fleur.

When Remus turned around, Regulus was standing there with a raised eyebrow. “Ah, you do still exist. I’ve been working on this running theory that Gideon killed you and he was texting from your mobile.”

“What?” Remus laughed.

“I asked you to get lunch twice this week and you blew me off. I feel shunned.”

“Reg, it’s me, not you.” Remus patted his shoulder.

“You mean, it’s Charlie, not me.”

“Ah, basically.”

“Okay. I was afraid of that.” Regulus nodded. “No one hates you. We understand it was amicable. No one is taking sides. Gideon hasn’t been curled up in a ball crying into a pint of ice cream since you left him either. He’s just a little grumpy. It’s okay.”

“I wanted to give everyone some space.”

“Gid’s the only one who needs the space, Remus. The rest of us are still happy to be your mates. Things don’t always work out the way you want them to.”

“Right.” Remus sighed as James yelled that Marlene and Dorcas were coming up to the flat. “I promise not to neglect you and everyone else. Sorry Reggie.”

Regulus beamed, “Lunch Monday then?” He asked as the lights went out and everyone shushed one another.

“Yes, lunch Monday. We can meet at the vegan place near my office.” Remus thought it was strange because the whole flat would never be dark when the girls came over to Lily and James’ place. But he went with it, especially when the lights came on and they all yelled surprise at Dorcas who was laughing her head off.

As the night went on, Remus did his best to stay in the opposite area that Gideon was in. It was rather exhausting but he didn’t want to be the first of them to make them interact. He had to suffer his consequences of breaking up with the sweetest man that he knew. Remus wondered if they were ever going to be mates again. He never wanted to be mates with someone he had just broken up with (Sirius didn’t count because they had six years in between and Remus still wasn’t sure where their relationship stood).

At one point he went onto the balcony for some air. It was not fresh air because Fleur was smoking. Hestia was there so he was chatting with them. It was a Gideon free zone, so that was the best part. “Oh, this seems to be where the real party is,” Sirius said, coming out to the balcony. “All right, you three?”

“Yes, Sirius, just fine. I was telling Remus how great your friends are.” Fleur said, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder.

“They’re great. I’m lucky they let me be back in their good graces.”

“You’re too ingrained in the group. We could never kick you out,” Remus said.

“This party is far different from our old ones.” Sirius laughed, taking a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

“Yes, you’ve told me all about them. Did Sirius really do that many drugs?”

“Oh, probably, not sure what you’re referring to as that many but it was as much as me, so yes.” Remus shrugged a shoulder, watching Sirius light his cigarette.

“Really, you two seem so — tame?” Hestia said hesitantly.

“We were very different people a long time ago.”

“Very different.” Sirius agreed, leaning against the railing. “Thank god we’re past that. This is a good party, James is still a lovely host.”

“He gets it from his mother. Fleur and Hestia, you’ll need to meet Effie and Monty Potter one day soon. They will love you. They love everyone.”

“Effie is the one that cooked the leftovers I gave you last week.”

“Oh, she’s wonderful,” Fleur said, crushing her cigarette in the ashtray on the tiny table in the corner of the balcony. “I’m going to give James my compliments to send to her because if I send them with you, you’ll forget.”

Sirius laughed as Fleur headed inside, Hestia following her.

“She knows you well,” Remus said, leaning against the railing, looking down. He liked watching the cars pass and people walking to their various destinations. He loved the sounds of the city. He wondered if he could ever leave it.

“Mmm, don’t do that,” Sirius said softly.

Remus stood up and looked over at Sirius who was looking at him nervously.

“Don’t lean over the edge. Wouldn’t want you to fall, is all.” Sirius cleared his throat, clearly thinking of a time Remus had nearly jumped off the roof at Uni.

“I have no interest or plan to fall. I like being on solid ground.” Remus assured him. If he sat down with Sirius, maybe the other man would know that he had no intentions to kill himself again. They were different. They were completely new people, and as much as Remus didn’t know this new Sirius, Sirius didn’t know this new Remus. It hurt him to think that Sirius would see Remus enjoying the night sounds of the city below and think that he was contemplating jumping over the edge. “Sirius, I think it’s time that we talk.”

“Right now?” He looked surprised.

“Well, not right now. I think maybe we should make a plan to talk.” Remus offered. “There may be tears or yelling and I don’t fancy ruining Dori’s party. It’s bad enough I have to stay ten feet away from Gid.”

“What happened there, anyway? He’s so nice.”

“It just wasn’t right.” Remus shrugged. “For me, not him. Which is too bad because he is so bloody nice. It’s fucking awkward breaking up with people that you’re supposed to be mates with.”

“Thank god we never had to deal with that.” Sirius laughed darkly.

“Yeah, you left before it got weird.”

“But I’m back and it’s weird, isn’t it?”

Remus nodded, “Only because I don’t know how you fit in my life. I wish it were easier. So, a conversation seems like it’s the best place for us to start.”

“I think that’s a brilliant idea. What are you up to next Saturday?” Sirius asked after blowing smoke over his shoulder.

“Nothing.”

“We could get together then. I’m free that whole day.”

“I’d say we could go out to eat but I’m not sure if we want to do it in public.”

“Yeah, some topics may be a bit too sensitive,” Sirius said. “We could do take away. I’d invite you to mine but Charlie and Regulus have a tendency to be hanging about. I don’t think you fancy having them hear the conversation.”

“My place is fine. Let’s do lunch.”

“That sounds like a brilliant idea. Maybe after we could do something.”

Remus considered with a nod. He wasn’t sure because it was the day before the anniversary of his mum’s death and his two suicide attempts. He was sure James was going to get his claws into him at some point during that day. “I’ll probably be pulled in by James.”

“Ha, probably he… wait, next weekend — Sunday’s the 15th.”

“Yes.” Remus nodded. “We’re still talking Saturday. It changes nothing.”

“All right, fine.” Sirius nodded. “If that’s what you want. I will not argue any other way. I will not be James and plan every second of those days for you.” Sirius put out his cigarette. “Now that’s settled, fancy playing a prank on James and Lily?”

Remus felt a grin bloom on his face, “We haven’t done a prank in so long.”

“Well, I figure, if we’re going to be mates again we should get at it. We did a few brilliant ones before. Now we will have our full brain capacity to terrorize our friends.” Sirius laughed a little evil laugh.

“That’s horrifying, isn’t it? They’re going to regret letting you back into their lives.” Remus said, hoping that Sirius would hear the sarcasm loud and clear. He didn’t want Sirius to think that people would regret having him around. This new Sirius was just as fun and loud as the last but he was also smiled easier, laughed louder, was more understanding and kinder to all from what Remus saw.

“Oh yes, they’ll never want us to be mates again.”

“What were you thinking?” Remus asked.

“Well, I saw like five things of plastic wrap in the drawer when I was helping Lily put the food out earlier.” Sirius smiled.

“That was actually from a prank James never did.” Remus didn’t know the who point to it but it had something to do with Zonko’s.

“Ah, perfect, we’re going to recycle then,” Sirius said. “I was thinking, we wrap their bed in the plastic wrap.”

“James is going to murder you. I love it.”

“Great. We’ll get Fleur and Hestia to be lookouts. They’ll be handy.” Sirius said. “Let’s go.”

Remus followed him, he went to get Fleur and Hestia as Sirius went to go nick the plastic wrap. He instructed the women that they should casually chat in the hallway, look as if they’re having a private conversation, as Sirius and Remus worked in the bedroom. They would speak loudly and distract the Potters if they did want to get into the room. Remus and Sirius would figure out where to hide if they needed to.

“Maybe they’ll snog,” Sirius whispered as they began their work on the bed. “Fleur’s been so freaking hesitant about the whole thing. It’s her first real out and proud relationship, so I do understand that. But I want her to be happy.” He kept his voice low.

“Give her time. She’ll be okay,” Remus said.

“I worry, she’s been through shite like us. She’s made of some tougher stuff though.”

“That’s good.” Remus struggled to grab the roll under the bed.

They stayed fairly quiet as the finished wrapped the bed. Remus liked how the silence felt. It wasn’t filled with words they should have spoken. It was just comfortable. They were having fun in that silence. Doing something they used to do together quite a bit. Remus wished that he spent more time pulling pranks with Sirius instead of getting high or just making generally bad choices. They could have had plenty of fun without doing that stupid shite.

“James is going to be well and truly angry with us.”

“Good.” Remus laughed, opening the door a bit to find Fleur and Hestia snogging. He elbowed Sirius, who looked out the crack in the door.

“Brilliant!” Sirius said a bit too loud because they jumped apart. “Ah, ahem, brilliant way to make it look like you were trying to have some alone time.” Sirius winked as he slipped out of the bedroom with Remus following behind him.

“Congratulations.” Remus smiled before continuing down the hall. Rule number one of not being caught was slipping away before anyone saw.

Soon enough he was back in the mix of the party and it didn’t appear that anyone missed him. He went over to Marlene and Lily to chat for a bit. Then he talked to Bill and Tonks, who were just as cross with him as Regulus was. As the party was winding down, Gideon came over to say goodbye to his nephew and his girlfriend. Remus happened to be standing there at that time.

“Ah, goodnight to you too, Remus.” Gideon smiled.

“You too, Gid.” Remus nodded as the other man walked off.

“Awkward, okay, we’ll work on it.” Bill snickered.

“I hope it will go back to normal at some point.”

“It will don’t worry, Moony,” Tonks assured him.

Soon enough it was only Remus, Sirius, Regulus, Charlie, Marlene, Dorcas, James, and Lily left. They were all tired and a little drunk. Well, Sirius and Remus weren’t drunk but the others were. “Thanks for this tonight you all. It was so nice.” Dorcas smiled as she and Marlene were heading towards the door.

“If there’s any major mess, let me know and I’ll clean it tomorrow.” Marlene took Dorcas’ hand before leading her to the door.

“Do you want some help cleaning?” Remus asked James and Lily.

“Nah, it’s not too bad. We’ll get it tomorrow. I already put the food and shite away.” Lily said.

“Oh, Moony, before I forget I have that duffle bag we borrowed for our holiday. I keep forgetting to give it to you.” James stood up.

“Why does he remember dumb shite when he’s drunk?” Sirius snickered as James went towards his room.

“Fuck off, Padfoot,” James said, it was the first time Remus had heard Sirius’ nickname spoke aloud for a long time.

Sirius just smirked, standing in the middle of the living room with his brother and Bill. They were all hovering, ready to leave.

Remus looked at him with a grin because he knew that James was going to notice the plastic wrap on the bed. He stood up and stretched, ready to make a run for it.

“You fucking — Moony! Padfoot! Fucking arseholes!” James shouted and Lily looked at the men with wide eyes.

“What’d you do?”

“Got to go, Lily. I’ll get that bag tomorrow or something.” Remus said, going for the door.

“Bye Lil!” Sirius said and Reg and Charlie called out their goodnights as they all took off.

“What did you two do?” Charlie questioned as they followed Remus and Sirius down the stairs.

“Just a prank. Nothing much.” Remus said.

“Wrapped their bed in plastic wrap.” Sirius laughed loudly, jumping off the third step to the landing.

Remus couldn’t remember the last time he felt so giddy. It was strange but nice. He couldn’t even remember being that way at uni. It was wonderful and freeing. He wanted more of that. But it scared him because it all had to do with Sirius.

When he woke up the next morning there was a text from James that said:

> _You’re a bastard. Lily and I slept in the guest room. But I’m glad you’re getting on alright with Sirius. Xxx_

*******   
**March 2012**

“Happy birthday, my Moony.” Sirius kissed at is neck.

Remus sighed, looking over at the clock on his nightstand. It was only five in the afternoon and he was exhausted. He still needed to manage to put on a happy face and enjoy the party that was being thrown in his honor that night.

“How’s it feeling being 22? I enjoy it.”

“It’s okay.” Remus shrugged. He was not looking forward to what 22 was going to bring him. “I don’t see how it’s much different than 21.”

“We’re basically adults. Real ones. I’m graduating in May.”

“That you are,” Remus said with a smile. The smile was completely fake, which he hated. He wanted to be happy for Sirius and the rest of his mates for being done with degrees and going on to real life. But he wasn’t because he was selfish and wanted everyone to stay right where they were. “We need to talk about it, you know?”

“Mmm, not today. Please, Moony, it’s your birthday.”

There was always something that stopped them from talking about what was going to happen next (I have a cold, Regulus is on his way over, the weed’s good, let’s go dancing, I’m tired, I have a headache…). Remus had this idea in his head he was going to wake up the day after graduation and find Sirius’ things all gone. They would just be done and Sirius would be in Bangkok working for the Black Family Business while Remus wasted away all alone.

“Okay, but we should…”

“We will, but not on your birthday.” Sirius kissed him.

Remus wished that he could say that enjoyed his 22nd birthday, but that would have been a complete lie. He drank, got high, and pretended to enjoy the time with his friends. But there was something wrong with him. He felt that constant emptiness inside of him. He had an endless fear that he was going to be left with no one again soon because everyone always left. That feeling like he was completely unloveable for some unknown reason.

Somehow, at the end of the night, Remus found himself on the roof. There was a flat part just outside of Sirius’ window that they liked to smoke on sometimes. It overlooked their back garden but right under it was a concrete area where there was seating. Remus was standing on the edge looking down. He wondered if he was high enough up to fall and for it to kill him.

“Moony, Moony, what are you doing?” Sirius’ voice was quiet and hesitant behind him.

Remus just shrugged.

“Remus, you’re going to — — why don’t you step back from the edge? I’ll make you a cuppa and we can go to bed. Everyone’s gone now. We could put on a movie to fall asleep to.”

He stayed silent, not wanting to turn around. He didn’t want to look at Sirius right now. He would have had to see the fear on his face, the same look he had after he found Remus in the bathroom about to slit his wrists. He also didn’t want to talk to Sirius because Sirius never said anything that mattered, did he? They never told each other important things. Remus hated that.

“What movie?” Remus asked after clearing his throat. He tried very hard to make it seem like he wasn’t just contemplating his death again.

“Dirty Dancing? Legally Blonde? Anything daft that you like.”

Remus stepped and turned around to find Sirius within arms length. He didn’t realize how close the other man was. “Do you have some of that herbal tea?”

“Yes,” Sirius looked him, tears in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I was just enjoying the air.” Remus brushed him off. “Come on, I’m tired. Maybe Pride and Prejudice. That’s not daft though.”

“Sure. Anything you want.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope Howell’s name has become Amal Sharmakh. Amal is a Pakistani name meaning hope. Sharmakh means wolf in Pashto.

**July 2018**

The strangest part of having a sit down with the man you used to love and now wanted to be your mate but you still were sure you probably had more than platonic feelings but didn’t want to think about that part just yet for was that Remus didn’t know where to sit. Sirius was bringing lunch with him so he figured the kitchen table would be best. The sofa seemed a bit too cozy for this sort of thing anyway, Remus thought as he got out two glasses of water and a couple of plates.

Since last Friday, Remus had felt a lot lighter. He didn’t realize that playing a prank was going to solve anything. It didn’t really solve things but it made him feel good. Happier. Maybe because it was some bonding with Sirius. Remus hoped that their friendship could continue like that after this conversation. Their old relationship wasn’t as fun or light.

Soon enough, Sirius was in the kitchen with food and they were dishing the curry out on to the plates and chatting about their weeks. Eventually, polite conversation ran dry.

“So, ah, what do you want to talk about?” Remus scratched his ear.

“I don’t know.” Sirius shrugged. “I guess, maybe I should apologize for not staying in touch. That’s a good place to start. I know I’ve said sorry about that before but I am and I wanted it to be clear why.”

“If you stayed in touch with me then I wouldn’t have got over you.” Remus reminded him. “It’s good that we had a clean break. We knew what was going to happen.”

“I’m sorry for leaving you. I thought it was for the best. But then you tried to kill yourself because — ah, well because of me. Or what not. I know everyone left you and I did the same bloody thing.”

“It wasn’t just because of you.” Remus shook his head. “It was everyone and everything. It was me. Sirius, you knew that I was suicidal for a while. You found me twice when I was about to or thinking about it.”

“So, you were going to jump off the roof that time, after your birthday?”

“I think I may have if you didn’t come out there.”

Sirius frowned and looked at his plate. “It always hurt how much you didn’t want to live. I didn’t know how to fix it. I mean, now I know I should have got you some professional help but back then I was so young and stupid.”

“I’ve had that professional help. I still get that professional help, not as much anymore but when it’s needed.” Remus explained. “I hope you don’t blame yourself because it’s not your fault. What I said before, about if you took me to the hospital then it wouldn’t help? It’s true. I needed it to all come crashing down completely before I built it back up again.”

“And you’ve rebuilt?” Sirius asked.

“I’ve got a decent foundation and I think the walls are all up. The windows too. Inside looks pretty nice. I’m just working on the doors.” Remus made a face.

“You and speaking as if you’re writing a book every so often. I missed that. What you’re saying is you’re still having trouble letting people in? Nice metaphor.” Sirius let out a sharp laugh. Gideon never caught on much when he would talk like that. Not that he was daft, but Remus had a tendency to say things in a roundabout way every so often.

“Right on.” Remus pointed at him.

“Is that what happened with Gideon? You couldn’t let him in?” Sirius asked with a frown.

“Mostly, yeah. I wanted to be open with him but I wasn’t completely. I tried but it was too hard. I’m shite at talking about my feelings. I’m trying to, though.”

“It’s hard.” Sirius nodded. “I’m much better at it now.”

“That’s good, you seem… I don’t know if softer is an insult or not. Forgive me if it is.”

“No, it’s good, I like it. You seem stronger.” Sirius smiled in a way that made Remus’ heart do that bloody weird beating thing again.

“So, now you know where I’m at, what about you? What happened when you went home?” Remus questioned before taking a drink of his water. He was trying to ignore the feeling in his chest.

“Oh, well, let’s see… Mother and Father controlled everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I let them tell me when to work, what to do, who to speak with, who to be mates with. If I were smart I would have done well at school and went and made something of myself but I had shite grades.”

“Yeah, you said it was your only option.”

“It probably wasn’t. James’ dad would have let me work for him until I got things together. But I don’t know, I felt like I had to be there in Bangkok. I can’t explain it.”

“You don’t have to.” There was a point where Remus would have begged him to lay that all out on the table. Now he could understand that it wasn’t something easily explained. Sirius’ relationship with his parents was complicated.

“Something about the conditioning of an abuser, er abusers, I’m sure. Growing up I was always told once school was done, I would be there no matter what.” Sirius waved a hand. “For the most part, I only had control over what I ate and how I ate. Then when Reggie came back, I had to watch them degrade and belittle him. It was horrible. Then I met Fleur. Well, my parents forced me to meet her because they thought she’d be the perfect person for me to marry.”

“Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” Remus said. She was the perfect person for Sirius. The Blacks thought that she would be perfect in a different way.

Sirius snorted a laugh. “Fleur told me outright where she stood on the whole thing. She was a lesbian. We were going to get married then one day when my parents kicked the bucket we’d have run of the place and do what we wanted with it. We were thinking of just selling it and taking the money to do whatever. She was the one that suggested I see someone for my eating disorder and I did because I felt horrible all the time. Not only mentally, but physically it was taking a bit of a toll. I got help for that and help for working through the trauma I lived through as a kid and a young adult.”

“That’s good. I love Fleur even more now.”

“You should. She’s bloody brilliant.” Sirius smiled. “If only we loved each other like a heteronormative couple.”

“Yes, if only.” He was happy that it didn’t happen.

“But about a year after I started going to therapy, Regulus came and told me that he couldn’t take it any longer. He wanted to kill himself. He told me so outright.” Sirius’ voice cracked. “I couldn’t let him. I told him whatever he needed to do to not do that, we’d get it done. He said he wanted to leave. As if by some divine blessing for this, I got word two days later my Uncle Al passed. I mean, poor bloke but he was up there.”

“Oh, the gay one who lived in Dublin?”

“Yes, the very one. He left me all his money. It was a lot.” Sirius explained. Remus did wonder how the Black Brothers were starting up their own company and living reasonably comfortably. There was no way that their parents gave them any sort of money to go out and live on their own terms.

“Damn.”

“Yeah, I said something along those lines. Probably far more colorful. I opened an account my parents couldn’t touch here in England. Regulus told them to fuck off and I did as well. Then we tried to figure out our next steps. We stayed in Bangkok for a bit then moved out here because it’s where our hearts are.”

“Why didn’t you tell someone — James, Peter, Andi — that you were back here? It was seven months between when you arrived and when I saw you.”

“I was terrified.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think you all would want me back because I didn’t contact anyone for six years. I thought I fucked it all up but I hoped every day I’d see you and I did.”

“Jamie was going to come after you, multiple times. Peter suggested a friend holiday to Bangkok once. That never happened for various reasons. Everyone missed you.”

“You too?”

“Me too,” Remus said with a soft smile. “I’m glad you’re back and you survived.”

“It was hell, but I did it and I’m still working on surviving. I’m also so happy that I’m here and that everything seems… normal. I mean, it’s all completely different but it feels like I fit.”

“You’ve always fit.”

Sirius smiled, leaning back in his chair. “I realized the difference between you and me back then,” He took a deep breath. “You wanted to die. I wanted to live. I wanted everything life had to offer. I couldn’t get past my trauma. I wanted you so bad to see the good in life.”

“I know.”

“But you still understood me and my trauma. I understood yours. Or I tried.” Sirius pushed his plate aside. “I tried really hard and I think I failed at it.”

“We both failed. We had the worst relationship.”

Sirius shook his head, “I don’t think that it was the worst. We didn’t know what to do to help each other get better. We were both in a bad way, Remus. We’re not anymore, it seems.”

Remus nodded and rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry I was so standoff-ish with you coming back at first. It just threw me through a loop. I didn’t want o to fall into old bad habits with you.”

“It’s understandable. You didn’t want to go back to how you were. If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t contact anyone for a bit when I came to London because of the same feeling. I finally have things under control and in a decent place, I didn’t want to backslide.”

Remus let out a short laugh, “Oh, I get that.”

Sirius sighed, “It’s nice to have someone who gets it. I mean, Reg does on some level but he dealt with things differently. He’s always been more mature.”

“He’s pretty level-headed.”

“He’s the best Black.” Sirius played with the ring he was wearing on his thumb.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, I’m an open book.” He held his hands out.

“About when you apologized for snogging me?”

“Ah, sure?”

“You said you didn’t feel comfortable with anyone else. I’m — you can tell me to bugger off if you don’t want to answer it but I’m just trying to understand — you used to make out with people all the time at parties before were officially together. So, is it… I don’t know how I’m asking this or what exactly I’m getting at.” Remus couldn’t make his question sound like it made any sense without it coming out as insensitive.

“Oh, well, back in Uni, I was trying to make myself feel something for anyone. For a long time. I didn’t always like it or want it. I was convinced I was completely fucked up because I was sleeping around like everyone else.”

“You’re not fucked up. You’d demisexual.”

“I know that now,” Sirius said. “I mean, I didn’t know that then but now I know that I’m not fucked up.”

“Have you had any boyfriends since you went over there?”

“Yes. Two. It was fucking difficult to do it but I managed somehow. One was lovely but I couldn’t love him as he loved me for some reason. Then there was Lockhart who was a fucking twat. He acted like he understood me being demi but he did not.” Sirius made a disgusted noise.

Remus made a face, drawing conclusions on how that went.

“Exactly. You probably would have punched him if you were around, I’m sure. It’s fine though. I’m happy now and that’s all that matters. If I end up finding someone I fancy, that’d be nice but I’m not looking.”

“Same here.” Remus laughed. “I sort of went through boyfriends and girlfriends in a steady rotation for a while. I was given the advice recently to stop and figure out what I want before jumping into something.”

“Sounds like good advice,” Sirius said, looking past Remus and to the refrigerator. “Is that a photo of your mum?” Sirius pointed to the one hanging on the door.

“Yeah,” Remus stood up to get it. He took the magnets off then handed it to Sirius.

The other man looked at the picture of his mum who was showing off her engagement ring. I was the only thing of value his father ever gave his mum. A Claddagh with a small emerald in the heart. He was Irish and liked the tradition. His mum thought it was cute and loved the green emerald. “I never saw her before. You never showed me a picture. She’s beautiful. You look a lot like her.” Sirius said and Remus felt himself blush. He also felt strange that he never showed Sirius a picture of his mum. Their relationship was nothing it should have been. “Was that her engagement ring?”

“Mmm, yeah.”

“It’s nice, do you still have it?” Sirius asked, putting the photo down as Remus took his seat again.

“No, it’s gone. She pawned it the week before the accident.” Remus frowned. “I wish I still had it. I’ve nothing of her things.”

“Have you tried looking for it?”

“She pawned it at some shop in Peckham over ten years ago, you think that I’d be able to find it?” Remus laughed. “You’re still optimistic.”

“Eh, you never know.” Sirius smiled. “So, has James made plans for you tomorrow?”

“No, but we’re doing dinner tonight if you want to come. Then there’s some concert he wants to go to. It’s outdoors and it’s supposed to be a nice night. I talked him out of the one tomorrow.”

“That’d be nice but I promised Regulus we’d go see some movie, Ocean’s 8. He enjoys brother time.”

“That’s nice, I’m glad you two are getting on like this.” Remus hesitated for a moment, “Um, do you want to come to visit the grave tomorrow with me? Lily and James are coming with. We could get lunch afterward.”

The expression on Sirius’ face was one Remus was unfamiliar with. “Of course.”

The two men continued talking. Remus forgot how easy it was to tell Sirius things. He forgot how relaxed around him he was. He liked that he didn’t feel judged about anything. He liked that Sirius laughed at his dark humor or his dumb literary jokes. It was nice. It was so good to be friends with him.

*******

Remus stood outside the Potter’s flat waiting for Lily. James was bedridden with a migraine so he wasn’t going to be joining them. He assumed that Lily forced the man to stay in bed while she hung around with him all day. He also had Sirius, who had stayed at his flat until he left for dinner and the concert the night before.

“Oi, Moony!” Sirius said with a grin. He hadn’t heard Sirius use his nickname in so long. It made him feel bloody giddy. “Where're the Potters?”

“Lily is on her way down. Prongs is bedridden.”

“He still gets migraines?”

“Yeah.” Remus frowned. “It’s less now. The medicine he takes is pretty good but they happen from time to time.”

“My favorite boys, together again,” Lily said lightly as she joined the two men on the sidewalk. “How lucky I am today?” Lily kissed Remus on the cheek then Sirius.

“So, we’ll take The Tube to the cemetery.” He said after Sirius gave Lily a tight hug. “We can eat around there if you want.”

“Should we stop and get flowers?” Sirius asked as they began to walk. Lily was in between both men so she looped her arms through theirs. Remus was tempted to make a Wizard of Oz joke.

“We stop at a shop right nearby,” Lily informed Sirius.

“You do this every year?” Sirius asked.

“And on her birthday.” Remus smiled.

Before he started therapy, he never visited the grave. He didn’t even get to go to the funeral because he was in the hospital himself. After that, he avoided it. He didn’t see the point. Then he went for the first time following his suicide attempt and he felt something inside of him. It felt like peace and calm. That was a lot to put on just visiting a grave, but Remus felt something good. So, now it was a tradition. Usually James and Lily went with him, sometimes Effie and Monty joined as well.

“That’s nice,” Sirius said, looking over at Remus fondly.

About an hour later they were standing in front of Remus’ mum’s grave. They had an assortment of different flowers. Sirius went a bit overboard after Remus said she loved flowers and color. “Amal Sharmakh-Lupin,” Sirius said out loud after setting the flowers he had in his hands down. “I never knew her first or maiden name.”

Remus frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. He was unsure what to say to that. There was so much that Sirius didn’t know about him or his life. Three years together, and he had not shared nearly enough about himself. “Yeah, that’s mum.”

“I always wish I could have met her,” Lily said. “Every time we come here.”

“She would have loved you. Both of you.” Remus felt tears pricking his eyes then there was a hand in his hand. He looked down to see it was Sirius’, who also squeezed it.

Lily looked at their hands than turned her head to the side as if she was looking at something across the cemetery. Remus could see a smile on her face. He wanted to tell her that friends hold hands. He held hands with Lily, Dorcas, James… he didn’t see why this was a big deal Sirius was comforting him.

After paying their respects, Sirius paid for their lunch at a place close to the cemetery that had decent reviews on Yelp. When they finished, Sirius went home and Remus went with Lily to see James. The man was in bed reading a book. “Better?” Remus asked, crawling into bed after kicking his shoes off.

“Yes, better.”

“Lils is making some of that barmy tea she swears works wonders.” Remus settled into the pillows behind him.

“How’s mum?”

“Oh, fine. Sirius went a bit overboard with flowers.” He smiled.

“Sure she’d love it,” James said with a laugh.

“Sirius didn’t even know her name. Until yesterday, he had never seen a picture of her. How was I so fucking closed off back then?”

“It helped you. Well, you thought it helped you but it was just making everything worse.” James reasoned, setting his book on the nightstand. “I loved you then but I like you a lot better now.”

“Thanks.” Remus laughed. “I like me a lot better now.”

*******   
**May 2012**

Sirius and Remus managed to avoid The Conversation until the day before graduation. That meant that Sirius was going to be leaving in a matter of days and Remus and Sirius had not even spoken about what was going to happen next. Sirius was packing up to go back to Bangkok but Remus didn’t know for how long or if they were still going to be together or…

“What are you doing, Sirius?” Remus said, sitting on Sirius’ bed. Being in the other man’s room was weird. They normally stayed in Remus’ because Sirius said the bed was better. Remus never complained or asked otherwise. He knew exactly what Sirius was doing at that moment, the man was packing. He was getting ready to leave him.

“I — I’m going home. I’m going home in less than a week.” Sirius took a deep breath, putting down the records he had in his hands.

“What are we going to do?” Remus hugged his knees. “We didn’t talk about this at all.”

“Remus, I think we need to break up. That’s why we haven’t talked about it.” Sirius said softly. “I don’t want to hurt you but I think it’s for the best. I’m probably never coming back.”

“But why do you even want to go back out there? They treat you like you’re nothing.” Remus tried not to raise his voice.

“I don’t have a choice, do I?”

Remus furrowed his brow, “There’s always a choice, isn’t there?” He questioned.

“I have to go back. I don’t have anything if I don’t go back.”

“Anything?”

“Money, I have a degree but my grades are shite and the only extracurriculars or career furthering actives I did was getting fucked up.” Sirius sat on the bed. “I don’t even know what the fuck I would do if I stayed. I don’t know what I am. I was always meant to graduate and go work for the family.”

“Work as a barista or something to earn some money and figure it out.” Remus offered.

“Remus, the only option I have is to go home to Bangkok. If I don’t my parents will make my life a living hell.” Sirius said, appearing so convinced that they were going to be hurt.

“When you go back your life is going to be a living hell.” Remus couldn’t understand why Sirius felt like he had to go back. It made no sense to him.

“One day, I’ll take over the company and it will be better. I have to survive til then. Plus, when Regulus goes back, he’s going to need someone in his corner.”

Remus didn’t know what to say to get Sirius to stay with him. There apparently wasn’t anything. He was going to be left alone while Sirius moved on and ran his parents’ company. Remus was going to be left with nothing again. He was going to be alone and sad. No one ever stayed. “So, we’re breaking up.”

“Yeah. It’s for the best, don’t you think?” Sirius questioned again. “We couldn’t possibly stay in touch with one another, could we? You’re finishing your studies here and going all through the testing and work to become a barrister. Maybe it’s good for you to have that time to yourself.”

What Sirius didn’t seem to understand was that Remus couldn’t have time to himself. Being alone just reminded him of the fact that no one actually stayed. No one could love him. He was completely broken apart, not even Sirius could get past it and he had so much of his own shite. “Yeah, maybe.”

Maybe, Remus thought to himself he’d end it all. Perhaps he’d give it some time to see if he could be alone again. To see if he was able to get on without anyone in his life. But if it didn’t work, maybe he’d finally kill himself. No one would be around to stop him like Sirius always seemed to be there to stop him. Once he was gone, there wouldn’t be anyone.

“You’re incredible Remus Lupin. Whoever you end up with is going to be a very happy man or woman. It’s just not going to be me.” Sirius frowned. “This relationship has been… it’s been…”

A distraction. A blur of massive amounts of physical affection to occupy their minds from the emotional anguish they both felt at all time. A time filled with drugs and drinking to mask their depression. A flame that was inevitably going to burn out as soon as Uni came to a close.

“I don’t know what I would have done without you these last few years, Remus.” Sirius smiled. “Don’t hate me, please.”

“I don’t want to hate you. Why would I hate you?”

Remus did hate him, just a little. But he didn’t want to. He hated him because he was leaving him. Once Sirius was gone and everyone else moved away, what did he have? His mum was dead. His father left him. His aunt who didn’t care for him was diagnosed with cancer. His boyfriend of nearly three years was moving across the world. He had nothing now. “I can’t hate you.”

“So, we’re still friends.”

“Yeah, still friends.”

“Maybe you can come visit Bangkok someday.” Sirius took his hand.

“Maybe.”

Remus looked at their hands. Somedays he wished that he could see Sirius’ thoughts and ideas. “I only wish I could understand better why you’re going back.”

“Me too. I don’t know how to explain how it feels.” Sirius sighed. “Can you help me pack?”

All he wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep for three days. But instead, he stayed up all night and helped Sirius pack. Then they had sex one last time, that’s what Sirius said. Remus was okay with it because he couldn’t spend the night alone.


	11. How Sirius Saw It

**March 2009**

Sirius looked across the room and was stunned by the person who was chatting with Marlene and Dorcas. He was taller than him, so that meant very tall. He was a bit skinny, but so wasn’t Sirius so that wasn’t an issue. He had the most wonderfully curly light brown hair and his eyes were hazel. He had dimples too. Sirius didn’t understand what it was able dimples, but he loved them. He felt like he wanted to kiss the bloke’s face just a bit.

“Who’s with Marls?” Sirius asked James, who was busy keeping an eye on some bloke he said was sketchy and aggressive with some girl. Sirius had a feeling that was going to end in a fist in the man’s face.

“Oh, his name’s Remus.” James glanced over at the man. “Seems all right.”

“Hmm, Remus. I like that name.” Sirius paused for a moment then looked at James, “You know, this is your 19th birthday, right? You’re supposed to be having some bloody fun?” He knew the other man was always worrying about him. But Sirius hoped the other man saw that he was very good tonight. Sirius wasn’t going to get wasted and high as a birthday present for James. His little buzz was enough. It was James’ night.

“Fine, okay. I will have fun.” James said.

“Christ, you sound like I’m trying to murder you.”

“I’m going to go find Peter.”

Sirius rolled his eyes before heading in the direction of Marlene and Dorcas and that Remus fellow. He was wearing an Arcade Fire tee shirt and skinny jeans. His hands were large with long fingers. Sirius realized he had a few scars on his arms and a couple on his cheeks. “All right, Sirius?” Dorcas grinned.

“All right, who’s this?” Sirius looked at the other man. Remus looked a bit stoned, not that that was a problem.

“Remus,” The man said, “Hi.”

“Remus is bi,” Dorcas said.

Remus furrowed his brow, “Why—”

“Sirius’ look at you all moony-like.” Marlene laughed, giving Sirius a little shove.

“So, Remus, fancy a drink?” Sirius asked the man.

“Sure.” Remus nodded, giving Sirius a bit of an appraising look. “Always fancy a drink.”

“My type of man.” Sirius licked his lips. This was going to be an excellent night.

*******   
**May 2009**

Sirius spun around his chair as James and Peter sat on Pete’s bed. Dorcas was there waiting for Pete so they could head to their last lecture. “I just think if we brought one more person into the flat it’d be better. There would be some type of balance. We also have that whole room that’d be empty. It’d make more sense to have an extra person.”

“You’re looking for a flatmate?” Dorcas asked, looking up from her book.

“Well, James is obsessed with the idea. Pete and I don’t care too much either way.” Sirius said.

“I know someone who’s looking for off-campus housing,” Dorcas said. “You know Remus Lupin?”

Sirius perked up. The bloke from James’ 19th. They had kissed for a good part of the night, which Sirius enjoyed. Remus never tried to get in his pants and the lowest the other man’s hands traveled were to his hips. He didn’t always enjoy snogging, even though he did it all the time. But he was trying to make himself feel something — anything. Everyone seemed to be mad about shagging but Sirius wasn’t. He was sure that he was asexual, maybe demi because he liked sex with his former boyfriend sometimes. Peter had explained it to him one night, the whole spectrum or whatever. It sounded barmy and made up for people who were messed up like him. Sometimes he believed it and liked the label. Sometimes he didn’t. Today he didn’t mind it.

Back to Remus. They didn’t talk much but Sirius wanted to talk to him. Sadly, their paths had not crossed since over the last month. Remus seemed sad, the same sort of sad that Sirius had in him. He didn’t seem to like to talk much. Most of his answers were one or two words when Sirius tried to chat when they came up for air. The other man also was a bit wasted. On top of that, he seemed shy. Which was odd because he didn’t hesitate to stick his tongue in Sirius’ mouth.

“Yeah, he was that tall bloke with the scars at James’ birthday the other month,” Sirius said. He knew if he told or reminded his mates that he had spent the night snogging him, then he probably wouldn’t be living with them.

“Oh, yeah, he was nice,” James said. “Do you like him, Dorcas?”

“He’s great. I’d recommend him as a roommate. He keeps to himself for the most part but he likes to party so he’d be able to live in your flat.”

“Okay, think you’ll see him today to pass along a message?” James asked.

“I normally see him after this lecture.”

“Great!” James grabbed a note and scribbled out a note. “We’ll meet him tonight.”

“Tell him drinks are on me.” Sirius grinned. Hopefully, he’d have a nice live-in mate to snog and cuddle. That would be rather nice.

*******   
**September 2009**

Sirius watched Remus looking through Sirius’ movie collection. They were going to smoke and watch something. He liked that Remus loved rom-coms. It was sweet. He loved that Remus wanted to sit in bed with him all day and watch movies because it was raining. They probably were going to end up making out for most of the film. He liked that. He fancied Remus but he was worried the other man didn’t feel the same way.

Remus was a closed book (Sirius liked the metaphor because the other bloke read too much). He never talked about himself. Never talked about his family or his friends outside of the Marauder’s house. He was always the quietest in the room. Recently, he had come out of his shell a little more to reveal his dark, sarcastic humor to the rest of the group. It was hilarious and it made Sirius swoon a little bit more.

“Oh, I love Almost Famous.” Remus to the movie off of Sirius’ shelf. “Let’s watch this one.”

“As you wish.” Sirius smiled.

“That’s Princess Bride.” Remus went to go fiddle with the DVD player. When it turned on he said, “It’s all happening.”

“Ha, do you only read and watch movies?” Sirius asked, reaching into his nightstand for the tin he had his weed in and his rolling papers.

“Well, I study, get high, get drunk, and recently I’ve been snogging you a lot.”

Sirius chuckled. “I enjoy doing all that with you.”

Remus didn’t say anything, he just sat down on the bed with the remotes. Sirius wished he could get Remus to say more.

*******   
**December 2009**

“Remus,” Sirius hesitated, his hand was still running over Remus’ jagged scar. This was the most he had ever heard Remus say about his past. He was shocked to hear that his mum had passed away and Remus blamed himself. He didn’t say he blamed himself but Sirius could tell. It felt good to tell Remus about his own scary past. Remus had wiped away his tears and looked concerned. It felt like they were finally making some progress in the relationship that Sirius desperately wanted.

“Yeah?” Remus asked.

“I fancy you.” Sirius took a deep breath. “I want to be your boyfriend but I don’t… I still don’t know about the sex part.” That was the hardest thing. He felt like he was falling for Remus but he still wasn’t interested in anything physical past a snog.

“Whatever you want, Sirius,” Remus smiled in such a sweet way that it made Sirius want to kiss him. But he didn’t, not yet. He was so amazed at Remus being so understanding of boundaries. But he worried that it would be different if Sirius were asking him not to shag anyone. “I want you too.”

“You really do?” Sirius furrowed his brow. He was surprised that Remus seemed to have no qualms about his sexuality.

“Yes, you’re amazing,” Remus said in a breathy sort of tone.

“There’s so much you don’t know about me.” Sirius shook his head. He didn’t know about the physical abuse he had suffered. He didn’t know what it was like to watch his little brother be treated like he was dirt. He didn’t know what it was like to have his whole life planned out in front of him. He didn’t know what it was like to have absolutely no control. He didn’t know what Sirius counted his calories, measured his food out, calculated precisely how much he needed each day, and made himself sick when he felt like he had too much because that was the only control he could have.

“There’s still plenty you don’t know about me either and you still want me.”

There was no doubt in his mind that Remus had layers upon layers of depths and pain and hurt that he didn’t know. But Sirius was sure that was nothing that Remus could tell him that would make him run away.

“How could I not want you? Everything about you is fantastic?” Sirius whispered. He was sure that whatever he learned about Remus, wouldn’t make him feel like deep down that Remus was this magnificent creature.

*******

Sirius pressed his forehead against the toilet for a moment. Remus had just walked in and heard him getting sick. He hoped it was James, James knew and tried hard to get Sirius help. Effie and Monty tried too. But he didn’t feel like he needed help yet. It wasn’t affecting his health. He was beautiful and he felt in control. He hoped that Remus would understand.

Taking a deep breath, Sirius stood up and flushed the toilet. He went to the sink to rinse his mouth and fix his hair. He wished he waited until he was home but he just felt so disgusting. He couldn’t wait to get home to brush his teeth properly.

When he went back out into the restaurant, Peter was looking like he was going to be ill. He got green when Sirius blamed the shrimp. James went along with it, even though Sirius could tell the man was looking at him with sad eyes.

When Remus put his arm around his waist and kissed his cheek, Sirius immediately pushed him away. He felt gross, and not just because of his vomit breath. He felt like he was letting himself go. In reality, he was doing just fine. But going to a buffet was a bad idea.

Once they were back at the house, Sirius went up to the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth. He sat in front of the toilet again, debating if he had anything else to purge. By the time that he was somewhat okay again, he heard Remus going to his room. Sirius decided to join him and just come out with it.

Remus looked up at him with a frown as he hovered by the doorway. “You can keep the bin by your head if you need it.”

“No, Remus, I … I want to tell you something because we seem to tell each other things. Like you told me about your parents being in foster care for a bit and how you wanted to die and I — I told you about my parents and my brother and all that.” Sirius was sure he didn’t share all his gory details yet but Remus knew that where he came from wasn’t pleasant. Where Remus came from wasn’t either.

The other man nodded. He could tell that Remus was waiting for him to get on with it.

“I think — I mean, I know — I have an eating disorder.” Sirius went to put his wet hair up as he explained that he wasn’t put off by the shrimp. He told him that food was what he could always control, it was what was easy. He told him that it was his rules even though it probably wasn’t healthy.

Instead of getting angry or upset about it, Remus did what Remus did. He stayed resolute and passive and asked what Sirius needed from him.

Sirius lied, well sort of, saying not to tell James because he’d worry. He didn’t want others plotting and planning behind his back about this. This was his. He told Remus he was fine then he said that if Remus could do as he always did then he’d be fine.

“Whatever you need me to do, Sirius, I’ll do it.” Remus promised as Sirius joined him in bed.

“Then have sex with me,” Sirius said, feeling completely overwhelmed with want for Remus. Everything in his body was screaming for the other man to touch him and love him.

When he did, he worshiped Sirius’ body like it was his temple. He was gentle but not to the point where he seemed to think Sirius would break, just that he was precious. Sirius knew then and there he loved Remus. He needed to tell him. He was always so positive that he needed to share the love because he never got any when he was a child.

“I know… it might seem early but I’ve fancied you for a very long time. Even though we just technically started dating, I love you.”

“We started dating in August, Sirius.” Remus yawned, wrapping his arm around Sirius' waist. “We’re just exclusive and on the same page now. I love you too.”

Sirius felt some strange emotion he wasn’t sure what it was. He didn’t think he could be loved most days. He didn’t think he was worthy of it. But somehow, Remus loved him.

*******   
**April 2010**

It had been one of the biggest fuckups he had made recently. Yes, he was always getting high and probably not making great choices but this was top notch. He knew that Regulus was coming that day but he just felt so afraid. He was terrified for having to fall back into his big brother role. At home, he was always putting himself in the path of destruction of his parents. Now he felt like his home life was coming into his Uni life.

So, he chose to roll at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday and let Remus shag him. He was doing great, feeling amazing, and loving his life. Then James came into the room and Remus got put off by it all. Sirius worried that Remus was going to leave him because of it and he thought that Reggie would hate him too.

Remus came in after dinner, looking annoyed.

“Does he hate me?” Sirius questioned

“Why don’t you go talk to him yourself? Why didn’t you say he was coming?”

“I don’t know. I — just… I need to protect him so much at home. I worried I’m going to do the same here. I want him to be able to be himself and…”

“That doesn’t mean you should ignore him right now. He needs you because you’re his big brother. Hogwarts is very accepting and hopefully, everything works out here.”

After talking a little more on how great Reg was and Remus letting Sirius know he wasn’t leaving him because they were both daft, Sirius stood up and hugged Remus. “I’m sorry I’m a fuck up.”

“I’m right there with you,” Remus mumbled against his neck. “I need to sleep.”

“Okay, I’m going to talk to Reggie.”

“He’s downstairs.” Remus hugged him tight then let go.

Sirius was about to head downstairs but instead, he heard someone in his room. That, someone, was Regulus unpacking some of his things. “I’m in here for the week. Jamie told me I could have the bed.”

“That’s fine. I spend most of my time in Remus’ room.” Sirius shut the door behind him. “I’m sorry, Reggie.”

“I just — Sirius…” Regulus sat up in the bed.

“I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” Sirius took a seat next to his brother.

“They can’t get us here, Sirius.” He said quietly in Thai. “We have four years away from them. I think they want it that way.”

“I’ll only have two more starting next year.” Sirius shook his head after switching to Thai as well. “Look, I hate what I did to you today.”

“We don’t exactly have the best role models on how to act when we’re feeling shitty. At least you’re not smacking me across the face.”

Sirius cringed. “I wish I were better, Reggie. Better than I am. You’re better.”

“You can be better.”

“Why are you so bloody wise? You’re 17.”

“About to be 18.” Regulus reminded him. “I like Remus. Outside of him getting high with you in the middle of a day on a Tuesday.”

“He’s been through shit too. Lost his mum when he was 16 in a car accident where he was driving. Before that his dad left them. They weren’t very well off, had a lot of struggles.”

“So, he’s a survivor too.”

“I don’t know how much he wants to survive,” Sirius said quietly. “He doesn’t seem to want to survive somedays.” He hated it when Remus would say he wished he were dead. He never knew what to do about it. He wanted to get James’ advice but he felt like he would be breaking Remus’ trust if he did that.

“Make sure that he does. Hopefully, he’ll get through it and see that there are plenty of good reasons to stick around and be happy.”

*******   
**July 2010**

Sirius didn’t like the feeling that was settling into his gut as they drove away from The Marauder’s house. Remus looked more depressed than he had ever seen him before. He knew Remus to fall into the bouts of not wanting to get out of bed but this seemed different. He wasn’t ill, Sirius made sure to check his temperature with a kiss to his forehead. This was something else.

“I think I need to stay here. Stop the car.” Sirius said in a panic.

“No. God Sirius, you’re so fucking co-dependent. Let Moony be, maybe he wanted alone time.” James complained.

“It just feels like something isn’t right. I don’t know.”

“What, do you have a sodding sixth-sense now? It’s just because you want to be attached to his hip like normal.” He said, stopping at a red light.

“I’m going back. Have fun.”

“Fuck you!” James yelled as Sirius got out of the car.

Sirius didn’t let it bother him, he raced home. Deep down, he knew he was worried about Remus trying to kill himself. He would have been daft not to think that. He just never thought he’d find the letter on the board declaring that it was going to be better now and not to go find him. Sirius couldn’t remember making his way to the bathroom. He couldn’t remember what he said or what Remus said. All he knew, was that Remus was alive.

Once he was sure Remus wasn’t going anywhere, he took the razors and threw them down the drain out front. He stashed the note away in his room. Then he went back to the bathroom where Remus was sitting on the floor. Sirius was very familiar with that bathroom floor. They were very good friends.

“Do I call the hospital or do I just take you there?” He didn’t know the proper protocol for someone who almost killed themselves. He wasn’t bleeding or bruised, did he need emergency services? He obviously needed help.

“What? I’m not hurt.” Remus made a face.

“But you were going to kill yourself. You’re suicidal. Aren’t you supposed to be sectioned or something? I don’t know. So you don’t die?” Sirius didn’t understand what he was meant to do. Remus didn’t seem interested in the help.

“You starve yourself. Are you in the hospital?” That was the most hurtful thing Remus had ever said to him. Immediately the other man looked ashamed that he said it but that didn’t stop the pain that Sirius was feeling.

“That’s not — Remus, you know I’m not trying to kill myself. That’s not what it is. That was cruel.” He felt tears in his eyes again. Sirius wanted to live. He wanted to be happy. He didn’t want to kill himself, he just wanted some control. Sirius thought Remus understood that.

“I’ know, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I’m just buggering this all up. I can’t even fucking kill myself correctly.”

Sirius took a deep breath, trying to get over the hurt that Remus just caused with his thoughtless remark. “Remus, there’s so much you do correctly.’

“Then why does everyone leave?” Remus said then promptly burst into tears.

Sirius tried his best to convince Remus at not everyone left. That was hard though because he lost both his parents as a teenager. His father didn’t want anything to do with him. He thought his mum was dead because of him. His aunt was only there because she felt like she had some obligation, she didn’t love him like a son. But Remus now had so many people in his life who cared about him. Sirius knew that he’d have to leave one day, he needed to make sure that Remus still had everyone else when he did.

“I love you more than I love myself. If you die then a part of me would die too. Don’t you understand that?”

Remus nodded. Sirius hoped that the other man could see the good he had in his life and hold on to something. There was no way he’d get the other man to the hospital, it seemed so Sirius watched over him like a hawk. Night and day. Remus was his to protect for the next two years. He had to make sure he survived. Maybe, in the end, he would finally get some help or feel better — somehow.

*******   
**November 2010**

Sirius straddled Remus, hoping that he could do this tonight. He knew Remus needed a distraction because he was getting overwhelmed with his course load. He had also been talking more about his dad’s departure recently. Sirius asked when he left and Remus shrugged and said probably around that time. He hoped the anniversary of his dad leaving didn’t send him to another suicide attempt like his mother’s death.

“I love you,” Sirius whispered as Remus’ hands made his way under his shirt.

“Love you too, Pads,” Remus said before pulling Sirius’ shirt off.

Sirius felt that familiar knot in his stomach. He didn’t want this tonight. Remus was going to hate him. They went two months without having sex with a few weeks of normality in between it. Why couldn’t he do this? Why did he have to be so fucking ridiculous? He hated himself.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” Sirius stood up, feeling tears in his eyes. “Fuck.”

“It’s okay, Sirius.”

“I want to.” He had been wondering lately if he didn’t love Remus any longer. It could be why he didn’t want to have sex as often. He spent most of his time worrying about Remus, trying to get him to talk about things but was always shut down by the other man.

“Oh, love, don’t worry.” Remus pulled him down to the bed. “I’ll get my pipe, we’ll take a few hits, and just go to sleep.”

“You don’t want to talk about it?” Sirius pulled his legs up to his chest.

“There isn’t a need, is there? I understand that you feel certain ways at different times. I hope you understand that it doesn’t matter to me. I love you.” Remus said, going to open his nightstand’s drawer.

Sirius sighed loudly. Why couldn’t they have an actual conversation? It was probably his fault, he deflected conversation sometimes. He tried his best to be open, and tell Remus about his struggles but it was difficult because he didn’t want to burden Remus with any more pain. The other man had enough to worry about.

They were both just so bloody miserable sometimes he just wanted to end it. He felt like he didn’t have that option though. Plus, he loved Remus too much to leave. He couldn’t do it yet. He had less than two years left with Remus. He needed it to be okay for now.

*******   
**September 2011**

“Happy first day of our last fall term.” Sirius grabbed Remus and pulled him in for a kiss before he could go off to the door. “Have fun being swotty.”

“Yeah,” Remus let out a long, shaky breath. “Not much longer.”

“No, not much. So, let’s make it good.”

“Sure. Yeah. I should leave so I’m not late.” Remus pressed a quick kiss to the corner of Sirius’ mouth. “Bye.”

Sirius watched him walk off before he headed into the shower. He thought about what he had to eat and drink yesterday and felt okay with it. He was feeling a little hungover though but that was nothing new. He tried not to think about Remus and how they only had about eight months before they were going to have to break up. Sirius decided to keep that as far out of his mind and conversation as possible.

When he got downstairs James handed him a smoothie wordlessly. He also did that with food. Sirius decided that he’d drink the smoothie. It was one of his safe foods and he knew James made it the way he liked. “What’s wrong, Padfoot?”

“Er, I was thinking about how this is it. You know? After this I’m going to be headed back to Bangkok.” Sirius swirled the straw around in his drink. “I’ll have to leave Moony. Leave you, leave everyone.”

“Have you talked to Re about it?” James asked.

“I’m afraid to,” Sirius admitted. “He… he’s got a lot going on, James.”

“I’ve guessed that. I know I’m not observant at all but it’s obvious Remus is fighting something. He never talks about shite. Not to me at least or Peter. I mean, he talks but not about his past.”

“It’s not great. I— I won’t tell you because it’s up to him. But it’s not the best. I’m afraid to talk to him about the future.”

“You know, you can hang around here after graduation, right? Dad will give you a job.”

Sirius felt uncomfortable with that. Everything in him was screaming that he needed to go back to Thailand or something terrible would happen to him. His parents would manage to ruin his life or his friends’ lives or Reg’s life. He needed to be back in Bangkok. “You know I can’t.”

James nodded. “So, Remus, you can’t talk to him.”

“It’s, I’ve tried but I can’t or he doesn’t want to.” Sirius shook his head.

“If he doesn’t want to then you can’t force it but you have to try.”

*******   
**March 2012**

Sirius spent the whole day watching Remus. He could tell that something was off. It reminded him of the day he tried to kill himself. He didn’t like that he was counting Remus’ drinks or watching what Remus was taking. He was happy with the house settling down and not being such a party place because Remus took less shite, he did too. But tonight he was back to worrying, thankfully the party was over quickly because it was a weeknight.

When Remus tried to talk about the future of their relationship tonight, it was his turn to push it off. They always seemed to go back and forth on who’s turn it was not to want to talk about May. But that was just the beginning of Remus’ mood. He spent the rest of the day in a funk, he even looked like he was putting it on at the party. He was too happy, too loud, too much.

Nearly everyone was gone, except for Lily, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas. At this point in their relationship, they were practically Marauders as it was. So, Sirius said he was going to go off and join Moony. They all made inappropriate comments that made Sirius wildly uncomfortable. He hadn’t come out to anyone but Remus and James, he didn’t see the need to.

Sirius went to Remus’ room but he wasn’t there. But he wasn’t there. Panicking a bit, he checked their bathroom. Again, not there. So, he went into his room, hoping that Remus was looking for some weed or a movie. His heart nearly dropped out of his body when he saw his window wide open and Remus’ skinny figure out on the roof looking down.

Again, he couldn’t remember how he did it but he eventually got Remus inside and in bed. Remus was acting as if it was nothing. Sirius knew that it was something. It was him thinking about taking his life. He would have jumped if Sirius hadn’t come and found him again. Sirius hated himself for not getting him help again. He hated himself for so much in this relationship.

*******   
**May 2012**

The day he left, Sirius stood in Remus’ doorway trying to find the right words for leaving. They had broken up a week or so ago. They weren’t acting like they had broken up but they knew that it was going to happen when Sirius left. Sirius hoped that Remus would get the help he needed. Remus would be able to get some help without Sirius around to enable him. He wouldn’t have Sirius letting him be in pain. Maybe he’d finally open up to James or Lily or Marls. Someone would help him more than Sirius.

“Remus…”

“Oh, you’re leaving.” Remus looked up from his laptop.

“Yeah — James and Peter are driving me to the airport.”

“Right, have a safe trip. I, um, hope it all works out for you.”

“Right.” Sirius cleared his throat. “Remus, take care, will you?”

Remus smiled, “Mmmhmm.”

“I love you, you know. I’m sorry I have to—”

“Sirius, you don’t have to explain anymore.” Remus shook his head. “I think it’d be better if you just left.”

He shifted uncomfortably before nodding then going to leave. He quietly cried the while way to Heathrow. Sirius hated himself for leaving Remus. He knew that everyone important in his life left and now he was on that list.

*******   
**May 2018**

Toppins was the daftest name he had ever heard in his entire life. Leave it to Regulus to choose the place for the meeting with the investor. It was so bloody pretentious and people were only there because it was new. He was clutching his whisky and standing at the bar waiting for Reggie and the investor and that was when he saw them. One of the Prewett Brothers and Remus fucking Lupin. They were obviously on a date, the ginger kept touching Remus and Remus would lean in close to whisper in his ear.

Remus looked so happy and healthy. He looked alive, as odd as that was to say about someone but Remus before looked to be just going through the motions. Now, his smiling and laughing looked effortless. As it should. Remus was a good person underneath all that shite, he deserved to be happy.

Sirius hoped that he was hidden behind all the people in the bar because he wasn’t prepared mentally to talk to them. But sadly, he wasn’t. Gideon spotted him and called him over. Sirius knew that this was the moment that everything would start again. This was when he would be pulled back into The Marauders. This was when he would find his way back to his friends who were more like family. This was when he’d have to deal with the feelings he STILL had for Remus Lupin.

He made it through his dinner meeting easily. On their way home he told Regulus. “Thank fuck.”

“Reggie…”

“Sirius, it’s been seven months and I know how much these people mean to you. It’s time that we go back to it. We’re older, wiser, happier.”

“Yeah.” Sirius sighed.

He knew that it would be James calling him, of course it was. They sat down, fought it out, and things were better. Everyone else after James was easier because of course they were. James was always going to be the hardest one after Remus. His old friends gave him some shite but they all seemed to understand that his family was shite.

Then there was Remus. That was a work in progress, he had a feeling it was going to be for a while. But they were older now and they seemed to have it together. All Sirius had to do was build a better friendship. What was that Remus said about building a good foundation with walls, windows, and most importantly doors?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So few notes on this: I would like you to take away that Remus is a little bit of an unreliable narrator. I dropped some hints of that with him not mentioning his suicide attempts and acting like all he did after Sirius left was get high and mope in chapter one along with some other hints. Remus is unreliable — especially when Remus is thinking about the past. But I think it might be a little more evident now. Remus is unreliable — especially when Remus is thinking about the past. Also, a lot of how Sirius sees it overlaps with Remus but not all of it does because important parts to Sirius aren’t the same important parts to Remus. 
> 
> I hope this POV change works well. I just finished reading a book that had a few chapters in on of it’s parts that did something like this and I thought it helped see more into the story (It was not Orphan’s Tale if you follow my tumblr, it was Then She Was Gone). It was interesting.
> 
> OH AND if you don’t follow me on tumblr, you might be happy to know I’m done writing this story. I still need to edit and smooth out my remaining chapters but the hard work is complete. I’m also reviving a fake relationship fic that I had started and a stopped nine million times. It’s light hearted enough after the angst I was writing for this.


	12. Chapter 12

**December 2018**

Something about Christmas this year felt perfect. The fairy lights seemed to shine a little brighter. The air seemed to smell of pine and spiced oranges wherever he went. He was happy over the last few years but this year seemed to be even better. Even though he was single, he was surrounded by friends and his little built up family. His metaphorical house was starting to knock down space for a door. He was working on letting others in. It just scared him because of how much pain he had in the past. He had some hope he’d get there though.

Over the last few months, Sirius and Remus had become best mates. They did everything together. It was strange because their relationship was so different than what it was at Uni. They were both so happy now. It was like they were gaining a new friend. At the same time it was so comfortable because they had their past. He didn’t realize how much he left unfinished with Sirius and how much it weighed on him. They had been dealing with it straight on. They talked about how they never talked about their feelings and how they both pushed those things aside to try to pretend to be happy. They spoke about enabling one another. Whenever there was something they thought of, they talked about it.

Thankfully his friends had stopped bothering Remus about it. Well, it was just James, Lily, and Tonks who were the bother. But since he told them he needed time and space to think and rebuild things with Sirius, they stopped annoying him. He knew they meant well but it wasn’t helpful.

The time to think seemed to be helping. Remus now had warmed up more to that than the outright rejection of it as he had in the summer. But he still was unsure. Being friends with Sirius was one thing, dating would be another thing. That’s not to say he didn’t think about it. He would be out with Sirius and their other mates and wonder what it would be like to reach over and take Sirius’ hand. Or kiss him when they parted ways at night. It was terrifying.

Anyways, he still wasn’t sure about love. He had been free from relationships since he and Gideon broke up five months ago. He had been reading love stories and love poems. He watched rom-coms. He looked at his friends’ relationships. But he still wasn’t sure how to get that feeling or what it would feel like in him. Remus could only hope that it would strike him one day and he wouldn’t be expecting it.

But he wasn’t thinking about dating right now, he had Christmas on his mind. He needed to buy gifts for his Secret Santa because Effie and Monty thought it was easier than buying everyone gifts at one point. Everyone always bought each other something, so it didn’t matter. They liked the Secret Santa bit though. Remus picked Charlie this year.

The whole gang always went to the Potter’s Christmas Eve to exchange their gifts. Some of them stuck around Effie and Monty’s while others headed to their own family’s. Remus was so happy to have them. He never really celebrated Christmas until after Uni. There was always festivities around the holiday but he never really took part in much except for the parties or if Sirius asked him to. Now, he enjoyed the time of year.

“Oi! Moony!” Remus heard Regulus call his name as he entered a bookshop. They hadn’t planned on meeting so that was a pleasant surprise.

“All right, Reggie?” He walked over to where the man was looking at a display of new releases.

“Brilliant! What are you up to?”

“Buying my Secret Santa gift, actually.”

“Is it me?” Reg grinned.

“No, it’s your boyfriend.”

“Ha, ah, he’s tough to buy for. He never wants anything.” Regulus rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to buy something for my brother.”

“In a bookstore? Sirius doesn’t read for pleasure.” Remus snickered because the man would always make fun of Remus when they were younger for having his nose in a book.

“Yeah, he reads now. Helps him relax he says.” Regulus said. “I just don’t know what books to get him.”

“Oh, that’s great. I’m glad he found that as a hobby.” It had always been a hobby for Remus, even when he was making horrid choices in life. Books were an amazing escape, as were movies. That part made him think of a great suggestion, “The Princess Bride.”

“Huh?” Reg raised an eyebrow.

“I was just — it’s — Sirius liked the movie, so he might like the book,” Remus explained with a shrug.

“Sounds like a you gift. But I was thinking Crazy Rich Asians because we always said he wanted to see the movie. But I think seeing a horrid Asian mother might be a bit triggery for him. Probably why we never went to go see it now that I think about it.” Regulus reasoned.

“Mmm, true. Try Pride and Prejudice. He liked the movie.” Remus said. “Really, any Austen is good but I don’t know if he’s seen any other adaptations of her works.”

“This is a movie based decision.” The younger Black laughed.

“I think he’ll appreciate whatever you give him,” Remus said.

“Charlie will too. Why don’t we finish shopping together and then grab some tea?” Regulus asked.

“Sure.” Remus smiled, he did like having company and Regulus was great company.

In the end Remus bought The Princess Bride for Sirius and Regulus purchased a beautiful set of Austen’s works for his brother. The two men went to the shop down the way and ended up buying a nice green jumper for Charlie. Reg reasoned he could never have enough nice jumpers because he was usually cold and Remus agreed.

Sometimes when he hung around with Regulus or even Tonks, he wondered if that was what it was like to have a younger sibling. Regulus felt like his little brother whenever he was around. He never got his own so it was great to have that connection with someone else. “I haven’t had Christmas since Uni,” Regulus said, wrapping his hands around the paper cup his tea was in.

“The Potters do it well. It’s fun and relaxing. I stay right through Boxing Day then go home before going back for New Year.”

“I think we’re doing the same,” Regulus said. “It’s supposed to snow up there. It will be nice.”

Remus nodded before taking a bite of the cookie he had purchased on impulse. It was triple chocolate. He couldn’t pass it up.

“It will be nice and romantic. Maybe you and Sirius—”

“Not you. I haven’t heard anyone make any insinuations or suggestions about Sirius and me since July.” Remus groaned. “I thought you weren’t going to do this. I haven’t heard a peep from you in months.”

“You should think about it, that’s all I’m saying Moony. You didn’t want to speak to him when you knew he was back and that’s worked out great so far, right?”

Remus had been thinking about it. Thinking about dating Sirius still brought up more that they would have to deal with. It gave him the same anxiety that he had when he wasn’t sure about being his mate again. He did enjoy this new healthy friendship they had and wondered it if could carry over into something more.

*******

As always, Remus, James, and Lily were the first one to arrive at the Potters. Peter and Em would probably be the next followed by Mary and Caradoc, the Tonks, Marlene and Dorcas. Hestia and Fleur were also joining them, which Remus was over the moon about. He loved both of the women. Sirius and Regulus would be showing up with Charlie and Bill at some point surely. Then there would be the Prewetts. Gideon was now dating Benjy, a bloke from Monty’s company that worked with James. They were about three months in and they seemed happy. Remus was very happy for them. Plus, he and Gideon were back on good terms.

“Oh god, it smells like what I think heaven smells like.” Remus groaned as he found his way into the kitchens where Effie was. She was working with two of the staff that helped out at the Potter estate.

“Hello, my darling boy.” Effie set aside the bowl that she was stirring. “How are you.” She kissed him on the cheek.

“Wonderful now that I’m here. Your son and daughter-in-law are putting the gifts under the tree.”

“You look so well, Remus.” She said before turning to the other two helpers. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to say hello to my son.”

“Of course, Effie.” The blonde girl smiled.

“Now, tell me, are you dating anyone?” Effie asked. She had given Remus two months before she began asking after his prospects again.

“You saw me days ago. I was not dating anyone then. I am not dating anyone now.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“You know, I’m sure there’s someone we know.”

“Effie, please stop.” Remus laughed shaking his head as they found Lily and James at the Christmas tree. The thing towered over Remus and was filled with sparkly bobbles and fairy lights. There were already numerous presents under the tree.

“Don’t forget, put the Secret Santa gifts on the table by the window. She pointed to the empty table with a lace cloth on it. “It’s going to be so nice to have Sirius and Regulus with us. Oh and Fleur and Hestia, they’re just lovely, aren’t they? They are so in love those two, aren’t they, Remus?”

Remus just picked up his present to Charlie off the floor to place on the table. She wasn’t going to rest until she set Remus up with someone.

Soon enough everyone had arrived, taking the heat of Effie’s need to matchmake off of Remus for the time being. She was busy playing host and making dinner, which as always was at the holiday, a mix of Northern Indian and British fare. Remus couldn’t wait to eat it.

By the time they sat down to dinner, everyone was talking loudly about various things. Remus was sitting between Sirius and Fleur, across from Marlene and Dorcas towards the end of the table. Sirius looked a little bit uncomfortable so Remus sent him a concerned glance.

“I forgot how great this stuff is,” Sirius said to him quietly.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, isn’t it wonderful?” Remus smiled.

“I almost feel undeserving of being here.”

“Don’t say that you deserve to be here just like everyone else.” Remus slid his hand to Sirius’ knee.

Sirius flushed, “Right,” He cleared his throat. “Thanks, Moony.”

“Anytime, Pads,” Remus said before going back to his food.

After dinner, they moved to the sitting room for deserts and Secret Santa. Remus was sitting on the ground with Sirius and Regulus near the tree. They were enjoying a plate full of biscuits and some hot cocoa. James was passing out the gifts to everyone and Lily was looking for the best playlist on Spotify for the occasion.

“Oh, please tacky 80’s Christmas music. That’s the best.” Sirius said.

“Here, let’s go with this. It’s pop classics.” Lily selected it and soon Wham! was singing Last Christmas just as everyone had received their gifts.

“All right, let’s open!”

Remus looked at the neatly wrapped tiny box in his hands. The paper was glittery gold and the tag was in the shape of a penguin with his name written on it. It was Sirius’ handwriting. He noticed it right away. It made him grin because he wondered what Sirius would get him. Instead of wasting his time guessing, as nearly everyone else in the room had opened their gifts and figuring out who gave them their gifts, Remus opened his. He found a ring box when he opened it he nearly dropped it.

Nestled in the velvet box was a Claddagh ring with an emerald. He pulled it out and found Amal inscribed on it. His heart was doing that beating far too oddly thing again. “Are you fucking serious?”

“No one is fucking Sirius. That’s how I like it.” Sirius muttered, looking at the collection of tea he had received.

“Sirius — this…” Remus trailed off and he could feel the eyes around the room looking over at him. “How the hell did you find this?”

“It was nothing.” Sirius shrugged.

Regulus scoffed, “Nothing?”

“What’d you get?” Lily asked.

“It’s my mum’s engagement ring. She pawned it before the accident. I — it’s been gone for 12 years. How the fuck did you find this?” Remus said, staring at Sirius who looked a bit shy. Something Sirius wasn’t, especially since he had returned was shy.

“It was nothing.” Sirius blew it off again, waving a hand.

Regulus scoffed before saying something in Thai. Sirius snapped back at him then Regulus glared before going back to English, “We spent a full day walking around bleeding Peckham, going to every pawnshop with a photo of your mum’s ring. Thankfully your mum was smart and picked this bloke who had an extensive list of his dealings.” Regulus explained.

“Barmy fellow he was. But he sold it to some lady in Kensington and Sirius convinced the bloke to give him her address by saying it belonged to our mother who sold it on tough times but it was a family heirloom. We went to the lady’s house and her niece was living there so we were sent to go up to fucking Scotland. She had the sodding ring and gave it to us because it was just sitting in her jewelry box.”

“Right, exactly. Nothing.” Sirius said.

Remus felt breathless and his heart was still beating far too rapid. That was too much to do for someone to get something back for a friend. No one would do that for someone unless they loved them. “Thank you,” was all Remus could manage before leaning over and kissing Sirius on the cheek. Remus stood up, holding on tight to the ring. “I just need some air.”

Once he was out of the room, voices broke out in excitement. James told Sirius to get him. Remus couldn’t make out much more in the cacophony. He needed a moment before he dealt with it so he went out to the front of the house and sat on the bench off to the side near the door. Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He loved Sirius. That was the feeling in his chest. Did he ever stop loving Sirius? Or did he even love him before at all and now it was all new? There was desire and passion but there was also some else. It was love, that feeling Remus had for the other man he couldn’t explain before. But could he do this? Could he go back and date him? They were on a different footing than they were before.

“I let you breathe long enough,” Lily said, closing the front door behind her. “Shite, it’s cold. You don’t have your coat on either.” She wrapped her arms around herself before taking a seat next to him. “I know I said I wouldn’t talk about you and Sirius’ relationship developing into anything more than a friendship but do you want to talk about it to me?”

“He searched for her ring that’s been out of my life for over a decade.” He looked down at the silver ring in the palm of his hand.

“He loves you,” Lily spoke quietly.

“Yeah, I figured that out.” Remus slid the ring on to his pinky so he wouldn’t lose it.

“Don’t be angry but do love him too?”

“I do. I love him.” Remus rubbed his face. “Please, don’t — please don’t tell him. I need to talk to him.”

“Obviously.”

“I’m so afraid to ruin this with him. We’ve become such great friends since we’ve talked in July.”

“Remus, I know you’re shite at dating and relationships but, maybe, this is a great path for you to take with him. You’ve built up trust, you’ve talked to him, you’re okay. You’re so happy when you’re around him.”

“What if it doesn’t work?”

“Then it doesn’t work. You tried. We’ll all still love you. Both of you.” Lily said.

“Okay. But, I need to talk to him.”

“I’ll go in and make sure they don’t all bother you. The ones that are leaving are going soon anyway.”

“I’ll be in in a minute.” Remus kissed her before she stood up and went inside.

In the few minutes he had before going inside, Remus tried hard to relax. He took some deep breaths, counted down from 100, and stood up to stretch. He knew everyone was going to be making pointed looks and suggestions but he was going to avoid it for now.

When he stepped inside, Sirius was hovering in the doorway that led to the sitting room. Hands in his pockets and an unsure smile on his face. “I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?” Sirius stepped closer, keeping his voice down. It was doubtful between the loud voices, laughter, and music that anyone would hear him even at normal speaking volume.

“No, Sirius, not at all. This is brilliant. Fantastic.” Remus took a deep breath and reached for his hands. “I — let’s talk. Later, when everyone leaves and the house is mostly quiet.”

“Okay.” Sirius smiled. “I was worried.”

“Don’t be worried. This is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me.” Remus kissed him on the cheek again. “Let’s go back in.”

“Good, I want another of those biscuits.” He grinned.

They went to step into the room, Remus thought it was fine until Tonks yelled, “Stop! Mistletoe.”

“Fucking hell.” Remus looked up to see the damn little parasitic plant hanging there.

“You have to kiss. It’s the rules.” James pointed between them. “Or we can sit here and talk about the future of your relationship.” He raised an eyebrow.

“Tosser.” Remus pointed at him then looked to Sirius. “All right.”

Sirius grabbed him by the front of his shirt with a grin then pulled him close so their lips could meet. It was a short kiss but Remus wished it went on a little longer once Sirius pulled away. “Okay, now that’s sorted. Who on earth gave me so much tea?” Sirius said after sitting back down in front of his gift. Remus was glad the man was getting the group on to a different topic.

“Lily,” Remus responded, retaking his seat. “They’re probably those posh herbal ones she makes us all drink.”

To his surprise, no one said anything else about the ring or what was going on with Sirius and him. Whatever Lily said worked. They chatted about different topics. Eventually, Effie, Monty, Lily, James, Reggie, Hestia, Fleur, Sirius, and Remus were left in the sitting room. Monty put the fire on and they all had a glass of mulled wine. Effie and Monty were the first to go to sleep, leaving the younger ones to talk.

“I think I’ll head up too. I’m bloody exhausted. The introverted part of me is dying for some alone time.” Regulus said. “See you all in the morning. You two better be holding hands or something when you come down for breakfast.” He pointed at Remus and his brother, who were now on the sofa with Hestia and Fleur. James and Lily were sharing the armchair.

Sirius said something in Thai as Regulus walked out the door. “He’s such a git.” Sirius chuckled, resting his hand on Remus’ knee.

“Mmm, I think it’s time we go to sleep too. Santa will be coming and all that.” James laughed, standing up and pulling Lily with him.

“We should go too.” Hestia nudged Fleur.

Fleur said something in French to Sirius as she stood up. “Understand?”

“Oui.” He rolled his. “You all are just insufferable.”

“You love it,” Hestia said.

Soon it was just Sirius and Remus sitting on the sofa, watching the fire. “I’m scared, Sirius,” Remus said quietly.

The other man frowned, “Of what?”

“Of it being like it was before.”

“We’re not who we were before, Remus. It’s not going to be like it was. I promise you that.” Sirius moved so his legs were on the sofa and he was facing Remus. “It’s going to be harder because it’s going to be an actual functioning relationship.”

“So, we’re going to go on dates.”

“Absolutely. I want to show you off so everyone will be jealous of my lovely, handsome boyfriend.” Sirius smiled.

“And we’re going to talk about our problems when we have them?”

“I plan on it. I’m sure we’ll have some rows but I’m not worried.”

“Right. We’ll celebrate anniversaries and holidays?”

“Yes and exchange gifts because we didn’t do that before either.” Sirius nodded. “Remus, I want everything with you. Before, when I left I wasn’t sure if it was love.”

“I had doubts too. I still don’t know if what we had before was love.”

“Well, sod before because this is now. Since I’ve come back here you’re all that I think about. When we spend time together, I wish for it never to end. I look at all our mates and Reggie and they’re all in these wonderful relationships. They’re all happy and either making babies, getting married, or getting very serious with one another. I want that, so bad. I know that I can have it with you. Or at least I’d very much like to try to have it with you.” Sirius took his hand. “I want to do this for real. I want to go on dates and walk you home and kiss on your doorstep. I want to take it slow and see what happens.”

Parts of Remus were telling him to run and say no because how could it work? They were a disaster before. His relationships never work. Everything always ended in disaster. But at the same time, Sirius was right, that was before and this was now. Things change. He changed, so didn’t Sirius. They were both stronger and happier. “Okay.”

“Good.” Sirius smiled, wrapping his arms around Remus’ midsection and leaning his head on his shoulder. “Let’s go on a proper date, day after boxing day.”

“That sounds like a brilliant idea.” Remus smiled, feeling a tad bit anxious. But a good anxious.

“I don’t think we should be snogging but can you just cuddle here with me for a little bit.”

“Of course.” Remus' arms went around the other man.

“Good,” Sirius sighed. “You do like the ring?”

“Sirius, I can’t believe you found it.” He looked at his pinky finger. “My mum hated what my dad did to us.”

“As she should.”

“But she loved this ring. Green was her favorite color and she was interested in symbolism and all that so even after he left she wore it but on her right hand with the heart pointed out. It’s supposed to be on the ring finger but I can’t fit it.”

“I didn’t realize you wore it different ways.” Sirius moved so he could look at Remus’ hand. “You’ve it on the right with the heart pointing down.”

“Means I’m in a relationship. Someone captured my heart.” Remus laughed, not realizing that he did that.

“Ah, I see.” Sirius smiled. “Did that on purpose?”

“No, honestly I just slid it on so I wouldn’t lose it.”

“So, what happens if you put on the left with the heart up?”

“Engaged and down is married on the left hand.”

“Interesting. I like it.” Sirius said, twisting the ring around a little. “You’d think she’d like me, really, your mum?”

“Sirius, she’d love you so much. She’d have been giving me a harder time than anyone else has about getting together with you.” Remus laughed, imagining what it would have been like if Sirius could have met her. “What did Fleur say when she was going upstairs?”

“That if you rejected me to make sure that I came up to their room for a cuddle but she said that she doubted I’d be rejected.”

“Did you do this because you wanted to go out with me?”

“I probably do a lot of things because I want to go out with you. But I did this mainly because I wanted you to have something of your mum. It’s not fair that you had nothing outside of a picture.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his temple.

Remus knew it wasn’t going to be easy with Sirius but he felt less scared now. He just hoped he could manage.


	13. Chapter 13

**December 2018**

To Remus’ surprise, everyone left Sirius and him alone the rest of Christmas and Boxing Day. After informing the group at the Potter’s estate Christmas morning they were going to be dating properly, they also informed them that unless otherwise asked for opinions, they shouldn’t give them. Everyone else was informed on Boxing Day. Remus hoped they would listen and not bother them. After he had warned them off it in July, he was able to work on his friendship with Sirius. Now he was going to have to work on his romantic relationship with Sirius.

A romantic relationship with Sirius, he didn’t think that he could have that for such a long time. Remus didn’t even have that when they were together before. He wouldn’t say the way things were, were romantic at all. They were many things but romantic was not one of them back then. Now though, he hoped there was going to be plenty of romance. Communication too because they were pants at that.

Christmas and Boxing Day were nice. They weren’t exactly making out on the sofa but they held hands and cuddled. Remus and Sirius slept in separate beds. The kissed under the mistletoe twice but that was it. They stayed up late talking both nights about what they wanted to do and how they were going to go about this new relationship. It was exciting. Remus never felt so excited by a relationship.

Remus had also come to the conclusion that he had not loved Sirius Black before. Sure, there was something akin to it. But Remus felt something new now. The before was something different. It was a lifeline when he was sinking. It was mostly about him, and not about Sirius really. But now, he saw Sirius. All of Sirius completely.

“I didn’t love him then,” Remus said as Lily drove them back to London as the sun was going down on Boxing Day. He was sad that he was going to be going home alone but at the same time, he did need a little recharge after being surrounded by people for the last few days.

“What?” James said, turning around in the passenger seat.

“You two were always on about how I loved him but I don’t think I did. How I feel now about him is different than how I felt then.” Remus explained. “So, you were both dead wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” Lily said. “I meddle too much.”

“You care, it’s okay,” Remus assured her. “Just let it be while we’re working on it, yeah? You’ve done a good job of it since July.”

“Whatever you need, Moony,” James replied, reaching over to pat him on the leg.

“Thanks, but please let me know if I am falling into old patterns.”

“We will,” Lily said. “I have faith that you won’t.”

*******

The next night, Remus felt like a teenager all over again. Or how he thought a teenager would feel before their first date. He didn’t do that growing up. Insecurity of food, housing, and so on put him off dating his peers when he was younger. By the time he got around dating, he was jaded and never felt that sort of thrill and excitement that he read was always felt on these first dates. Plus, Sirius was his first real “boyfriend,” and we have rehashed how that all went many times.

As he looked at himself in the mirror, to make sure he didn’t look like a twat, there was a knock on his front door. Remus felt some butterflies in his stomach. He took one more deep breath then went to the door. When he opened it he found Sirius in black trousers and a grey peacoat over a button up shirtsleeve purple shirt, holding a bouquet of sunflowers. “For you.” He grinned.

“Sirius,” Remus laughed, taking the flowers and kissing Sirius on the cheek. “You didn’t have to.”

“We’re on a proper date. I wanted to. I’ve never bought someone flowers for a date before. Plus, rumor has it you have a tattoo that has sunflowers on your thigh.” Sirius smiled. He did have a tattoo, it was a piece of sunflowers, birds, and a quote from Frosts’ Stopping By The Wood On a Snowy Evening, “But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep”. His mum loved birds and he liked sunflowers as well as the quote.

“Where’d you hear this rumor?” Remus asked.

“Reggie, he saw it when you two when to the gym together once.”

“Ah, I see. Your brother was checking out my legs. Maybe you’ll see it someday.”

Sirius chuckled. “I’m telling Regulus you said that. It will mortify him, I’m sure. And I would love to see it. I’m sure it’s nice.”

“Let me put these in water then we can head out so we can make it on time,” Remus said. They had reservations at an Italian place that was very romantic. Sirius was very interested in making this a very classic date. Remus liked the idea too.

“It feels surreal that we’re doing this.” Sirius followed him into the kitchen where there was a spare vase. “Eight months ago I didn’t even think you’d speak to me again.”

“Well, I never thought I’d see you again at that point.” Remus set the flowers on the counter and grabbed the vase he had in the middle of the island at the center of his kitchen. “I’m glad we’re doing this, though.”

“Me too. Ah, I hope it works too. I know that’s probably a horrid thing to say on a first date but let’s be real. We have a lot of history to work through.”

“It’s a different sort of first date for us. We’re almost going backward but not. We made out, lived together, broke up, and now we’re going on a date.” Remus filled the vase with water as Sirius took the wrapping off the flowers.

“Mm, yeah, but not at the same time.” Sirius shrugged, opening the drawer where Remus kept a pair of scissors. “But, I think it’s good.” Sirius snipped the ends off the flowers before handing them to Remus to put in the vase. “It’s interesting, like us.”

Remus set the flowers in the center of the island then looked to Sirius. “Ready?”

Sirius smiled, “Let’s go. Don’t forget your coat. It’s bloody freezing.”

“You spent too much time in Thailand.” Remus chuckled as they went towards the door, he, of course, grabbed his coat. It was cold out but he wanted to give Sirius a hard time.

They walked to the Italian restaurant since it was fairly close to Remus’ flat. Sirius told Remus he looked nice tonight as he was locking up the door. That made Remus flush then roll his eyes. They never really chatted each other up like that but Remus enjoyed it. On their walk Sirius told Remus about how he and Regulus had finally secured their investors.

“So, what’s next?” Remus asked. He had no idea how to get a business up and running.

“I guess production. Setting up a website. Marketing. I have to do some hiring outside of myself, Reggie, Fleur, and Hestia.” Sirius said as they came to the restaurant. “It’s exciting though. I've got a whole list to start working on.”

“You should be excited.” Remus held the door open for Sirius. “I’m really proud of you.”

It was Sirius’ turn to flush before he informed the hostess of his name and reservation. She led them to the table right away. It was a cozy booth by the window, which Remus liked. He enjoyed people watching.

After deciding on a glass of wine each and appetizer of some zucchini thing that Sirius recommended. They continued their easy conversation. It was just like being out with Sirius as a mate but without anyone else and will a candle at the table of a Friday night date night. He still had that excitement from earlier but it was more settled. Remus was almost sad that they didn’t have this type of relationship when they were younger.

“This is a better date than our one and only from uni,” Sirius said after he had finished his shrimp scampi.

“Yes, started off better with a bouquet of flowers instead of a line of coke.” Remus snickered, reaching across the table for Sirius’ hand. “Then we didn’t drink two bottles of wine and not even eat.”

“Messy, messy. God, I can’t believe that I could live like that before. Who was I?” Sirius laughed.

“We were completely different people back then.”

“It’s nice being in a good place with you.”

“I know.”

“Do you — would you like to go dancing tonight? There’s this jazz bar not too far from here with live music.”

“Yeah, I’d like that.” Remus nodded. “Could we do dessert first? They have a Lemon Thyme and Blackcurrant Crème Brulee that’s amazing. Fancy splitting it?”

“Sure.” Sirius grinned.

They talked a bit about a case Remus was working on currently then about Marlene and Dorcas’ plans to finally married then about Pete and Em expecting. Remus liked being an adult with Sirius. It didn’t seem so mundane and boring. It was different than it was with Gideon, who was still stuck in the mindset of a uni student.

The jazz bar was cute. It was dark and reminded Remus of what a speakeasy may have looked like in The States during prohibition. The band playing was good and the singer sounded beautiful. It was nice to dance with Sirius but not in the frantic club way where he was high and it was practically just like having sex with his clothes on. He liked being close to the other man with his hand on his hips and Sirius’ on his back.

They enjoyed one more drink at a table off to the side of the stage. They held hands and leaned into one other. It felt like Remus was always meant to be doing this with Sirius. This was love. This was what he was looking for.

“One more dance then I’ll walk you home,” Sirius asked after they finished their drink.

“I can do that.” Remus grinned and let Sirius pull him out of his seat.

They danced for about fifteen more minutes, Sirius’ head rest on his shoulder and Remus’ hands on the other man’s hips. Then Sirius walked him home, as promised then gave him a peck on his lips on his doorstep. “I told you I would.”

Remus laughed, “I’ll walk you home next time.” Remus said, hugging Sirius close to him. “You can come in if you want. I know we won’t be having sex but we could cuddle.”

“No, we’re going to be courting.”

“Courting.” Remus laughed so loud that he wondered if he woke up the people across the hall.

“You got to wait three dates for a cuddle. That’s going to be my thing.” Sirius’ fingers brushed through his hair.

“Oh no, we cuddled before dating though over Christmas.” Remus chuckled, stepping away from Sirius.

The corner of Sirius’ eyes crinkled as he smiled widely. “What a slag I am. I’m going to go now. We’ll make plans for date two tomorrow. If anything, I’ll see you for Sunday dinner?”

“Yes, thank god Effie will now be off my back about finding someone to date.” Remus couldn’t take another week of her pestering him. She seemed to think he was getting old or something.

“I see why you’re doing this now.” Sirius laughed before kissing Remus once on the cheek.

“Yes, using you to deflect Effie.” Remus leaned back against his door.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow and see you on Sunday.”

“Absolutely,” Remus said before Sirius walked away.

*******

Sunday dinner went well. It was just Remus, Sirius, and the Potters. There were not pressing questions on to what Sirius and Remus’ plans for the rest of his life. It was also nice to see that it wasn’t different to be around Sirius and everyone else now that they were together. Effie finally laid off of him about dating as well, which was good.

The next date they went on was Wednesday. The V&A was having some special event where they were open later for a viewing. Sirius and Remus went to dinner first, meeting at the place nearby the museum. They talked about their weeks as if they hadn’t been texting one another daily funny jokes, antidotes, or just miserable complaining about someone being daft. They skipped dessert and went to the museum so they would have time because they ended up talking for far too long.

Remus loved museums, they always felt like a religious experience. Sirius lamented on the fact they had never done the museum thing before because he liked hearing about all the random facts that Remus knew. “I don’t think I enjoyed your swotty-ness enough then. It’s rather sweet.” Sirius said, looping his arm through Remus’.

“I wish I fully embraced my swotty-ness back then,” Remus said. He always wondered it would have been like if he focused only on his work or reading in uni.

“I didn’t appreciate a lot of you.” Sirius rested his head on his shoulder.

“I agree. I appreciated you being a distraction. I didn’t appreciate your love of movies or that you liked sketching. I didn’t appreciate your ability to find the good in things.” Remus said, stopping in front of a painting of a ship in a rough sea. “I appreciate that now. I appreciate a lot more now.”

After they stood at the painting in silence for a for moments they began to walk again. “So, I think date two is going well. We’re nearly done.”

“Yes.”

“For our third date, how about a movie marathon? We’ll get some takeaway, open a bottle of wine, and cuddle up on the sofa in your living room.”

“Sounds brilliant.” Remus grinned. “Want to do that Saturday? Friday I’m going out with Dorcas and Marlene. We’re seeing a band they want at their wedding.”

“Saturday works. Reggie and I are doing business stuff on Friday anyway.”

“Ah, business stuff.” Remus nodded. He was so happy that Sirius was doing his own thing now.

*******

Saturday came quickly, work was going well and Remus was feeling blissful in his new relationship. It wasn’t going to always be this way. There was going to be more difficult times. Sirius warned him that his eating disorder reared its head from time to time but he was much more equipped to deal with it. Remus knew he himself fell into bouts of depression. But they had talked about that up front on Christmas night. Remus had talked to Poppy about ways to support Sirius better. He hoped that he was strong enough to deal with the tougher parts of their lives when they came up.

“Oh, I am ready for this. I bought some movies within case they’re not streaming anywhere. Some of your old favorites.” Sirius grinned, a duffle over a shoulder and a brown bag in his hand. He was wearing a pair of joggers and a very well worn Mitski tee-shirt.

“Great,” Remus took the food. “Get comfy and I’ll put the food out. Since you’re the guest, you can pick the first movie.”

“Pride and Prejudice?” Sirius asked.

“Sure, that’s streaming, or you can put the DVD on. Whatever works for you I’ll be right back.” Remus put the food on the table before going towards the kitchen to green some plates and utensils.

Eventually Remus and Sirius were eating and watching Elizabeth and Mr Darcy doing their things. “I just finished this book. Reg got me the full set of Austen’s works for Christmas.”

“It’s one of my favorite adaptations. I love Colin Firth but Kiera is my favorite Lizzy.” Remus said with a laugh. “Put Kiera Knightly in period dress and it’s all over for me.”

“I didn’t realize that was a turn on for you.” Sirius laughed.

“Oh yeah,” Remus snickered.

Sirius went quiet for a moment as if he was mulling something over, “You know, we watched this after you — after the second time you almost killed yourself.”

“Oh, yeah.” Remus frowned. “I always found it comforting. I wanted to watch something comforting.”

Sirius nodded, “So it’s okay we’re watching it?”

“Of course. I’ve watched it a million times. Thank you for asking though.” Remus assured him then put his plate down. He pulled Sirius over for a cuddle. “Is this okay, it is the third date and all, right?”

Sirius laughed, “Yes, this is third date appropriate. I was the one who suggested the cuddling anyway. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a snog at the end of all this.”

Remus smiled. They hadn’t really kissed much at all outside of a few pecks. It was their version of taking it slow. They had spent so much time being intimate with one another, not necessarily having sex but doing other things. They never did a lot of talking. He didn’t want to use that tactic in avoidance again.

When the movie ended they put on Set it Up because Remus still loved daft rom-coms. Halfway through that, Remus dozed off. When he woke up, Sirius was cleaning up the food from the table. “Ah, sorry. My caseload is a bit crap right now. I like it but sometimes I forget how tiring it is.”

“No worries, Moony,” Sirius said, reaching over to squeeze his ankle. “Want any tea or anything?”

“No, I think I’m going to bed if that’s okay with you. Ah, want to come?”

“Sure, I’m tired too.” Sirius nodded as Remus stood up. “I was thinking about how I miss sleeping with you the other day. Like, I miss having you there in a bed with me.”

Remus nodded. He through his nightly ministrations, offering Sirius a spare toothbrush he had in his cabinet. Sirius asked if it was for his spare for all his lovers with a laugh. Remus replied that it was given to him by his dentist the other week, so sadly not. “No, my one night stands never brush their teeth and people who do are normally people who bring a toothbrush.”

“Ah, I see. Also, gross they don’t brush their teeth.” Sirius made a face as they went back into the bedroom.

“They also didn’t have a change of clothes.”

“See, this whole casual sex thing just blows my mind,” Sirius said, crawling under the covers. “I need a change of clothes and to brush my teeth at night. Granted, I do not have a change of clothes but I know for a fact you’ll lend me something in the morning.”

Remus chuckled as he slipped into bed. “Yes and I know I’ll get them back,” He moved to spoon Sirius. When they were both in a comfortable position, Remus let out a long sigh. It felt like they belonged like that.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” Remus kissed the back of Sirius’ neck.

“Me too. Remus, you’ll tell me if things are working or you’re feeling shitty, right?”

“Yes, Padfoot, I promise I will.” He squeezed around the other man’s waist a little firmer.

“I promise you the same thing. I want this to work, really work.”

“I’ll work hard so it will work,” Remus promised and he meant it.

*******   
**March 2019**

January and February were filled with dates and laughter. Sirius and Remus were spending most of their free time together now. Their relationship was completely different from what it was when he was younger. It was mature and adult. Sirius and Remus talked about their feelings and where things were going. They went on proper dates. They never wasted days way.

They had rows but they solved them once the shouting was over they talked things out. The first row they had was Sirius getting carried away with work and forgetting their plans for dinner. Remus was angry about it. Once Sirius apologized things were okay. That was the only really big argument. Everything else was small and daft like Sirius running late or Remus not doing the washing up. Poppy seemed to think that things were going well when Remus told her about what was going on.

“Gosh, it’s bloody cold. Can’t we have spring yet?” Sirius complained.

“March is just starting. It’s not as if we’re into April or anything.” Remus laughed. They were on their way to dinner to celebrate Remus’ birthday. It was just going to be them then on Sunday they were going to have cake and such at the Potter’s.

“I want some nice spring nights, is all. I don’t even care if we have summer.” Sirius held on tight to Remus’ hand. “Can I stay the night, by the way?”

“Of course, anytime, Pads. You have half the closet and a drawer as it is.” Remus snickered.

“I was hoping we could maybe…” Sirius said Remus could see his cheeks were pink as they passed by the shop windows.

Remus and Sirius had not had sex yet. Remus was waiting for Sirius to tell him that he loved him as well. Remus knew he was there for both but he wasn’t sure if Sirius still needed time. So, he figured that he’d wait for his boyfriend to work things out. It didn’t bother him. He showed Sirius he loved him and said it in other ways. And the sex, Remus felt the same way now as he did before.

“Oh, yeah, yes, I’d — yeah.”

Sirius laughed, “I wanted to make my intentions clear.”

“Loud and clear.” Remus nodded as they came to the restaurant.

“I thought you’d like that birthday gift. What a time for things to… come together.” Sirius said as he led him through the restaurant.

“Why didn’t you check in with the hos—” Remus stopped dead in his tracks when he realized the whole bar area of the place was filled with his nearest and dearest.

“Happy Birthday!” They all shouted

Remus looked at Sirius who was beaming. “Got ya!”

After rolling his eyes he pulled Sirius into a kiss before going off to be surrounded by his friends. They had drinks, ate cake, and just had a brilliant time. Remus had no idea that Sirius had planned a surprise party for him. No one had ever done that for him before. It was rather sweet.

Remus hoped this new year of his life would bring even more wonderful gifts from being with Sirius Black. There were so much for them to continue working on but two months in, they seemed to be managing all right. Remus couldn’t remember feeling so happy with someone else before.

“I love you, Remus Lupin,” Sirius said, wrapping his arms around him when they got to his front door. “I love you so much and I hope you know that.”

“I love you too.” Remus kissed him before going to open the door. “Let me show you a bit of how much that I love you.”

“I’d like that. Remember, I’ve always told you when it’s okay. Don’t go getting shirty on me when we get down to it.” Sirius reminded him as they stepped inside.

“I know, I’ve learned to trust you recently.” Remus took his hand as he locked the door behind them. “I think that’s why I questioned it so much before.”

“Good.” Sirius kissed him on the lips, backing him against the wall. “Now, can you do what you said, show how you love me.”

“Only part of it.”

“I know.” Sirius pressed a few kisses to his neck.

Remus let out a moan as before pulling away and bringing Sirius to the bedroom.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me, I'll be posting the next chapter soon if it's not up by the time you read this.

**April 2019**

“We actually have all our paperwork together.” Lily and beamed at the other end of the table. It was Sunday dinner, about a month after Remus’ birthday. Lily and James were sharing that they were going to be looking into adopting seriously. It was Regulus, Charlie, Remus, Sirius, Marlene, and Dorcas, and the Potters around the table.

“Oh! I’m going to be an uncle.” Remus said almost a giddily.

“When are you going to be acquiring this sprog?” Sirius questioned the couple.

“Probably not for months.”

The last month was a little rockier than the first two for the new couple. Sirius had a hard time with his eating disorder the other week. It made him a bit moody and emotional. He went to the people he saw to help him manage a few times that week. He tried to shut Remus off emotionally, which made Remus angry. But in the end things got better. They only got better because Remus talked about it and didn’t avoid it. Sirius was also open about what was going on. Apparently, it all started because his mother had contacted him about possibly coming back. Sirius gave that a big no. It still affected him though.

“Between all these babies and marriages, it’s like everyone is growing up. So strange.” Dorcas chuckled. “Any plans for you unmarried, unengaged people?”

“No,” Reggie made a face that reminded Remus of Sirius. The two could be so similar sometimes.

“Ah, no, that’s a no from us too.” Remus agreed with Regulus. Sirius and Remus were happy with how things were. Just over three months was not enough to decide if they were going to marry or not.

“Agreed.” Sirius nodded. “So, how old will this kid be?”

“I’d liked to adopt a child that’s not a baby or toddler. So many people want babies and little ones but I worry about the kids who are already of school age.”

“It’d be nice if you got one around Ginny and Ron’s age. Built in mates.” Charlie suggested.

“I’m not opposed to that,” Lily said with a big smile.

“You’re going to need a bigger place.” Sirius pointed out to his friends.

“Ah, yeah, we’re going to be moving out of the flat and probably closer to here in Chelsea,” James informed his friend.

Remus felt something funny in his chest. It wasn’t the same feeling he was having when he was working out how he felt about Sirius. It was some type of panic. Remus didn’t like that and he wasn’t sure why he was feeling panicked of the whole thing. Lily and James were going to be adopting a kid, that was brilliant. Remus was in the system at one point and was happy that another kid was going to be able to get out of it.

“Can I help decorate? It’s my favorite. Honestly, I want to move somewhere where I can knock down walls and paint things. I don’t get to do that in our rented place.” Sirius complained a little. “Moony’s is rented too so no chance for me to do anything there. Though I have organized it a lot.”

“I always assumed you were the messy one.” Marlene raised an eyebrow.

“No, Remus is the messy one. Drives me absolutely barmy.”

“I am the reason for all of our rows.” Remus snickered and Sirius rolled his eyes.

“I’m just saying, it’s not that hard to just rinse the dish off.” Sirius shrugged.

“I can’t believe that you’re doing this right now.” Remus laughed, he could tell that his boyfriend was mostly joking but there was some real annoyance in there as well.

“Oh god, you’re like an old married couple as it is with this quarreling.” Regulus laughed loudly. “Who needs marriage?!”

Sirius shook his head. “Bugger off, Reggie.”

After dinner, everyone went to the back garden for a drink because it was so nice out. Remus hung back with Sirius for a moment because he had tugged on his hand before stepping outside with everyone else.

“Are you all right?” Sirius furrowed his brow.

“Yes, I’m fine.” Remus frowned. “Why?”

“I don’t know. You got a weird look on your face earlier. I’m sorry about giving you a hard time about you not cleaning up after yourself.”

“It’s okay, Sirius.” He kissed him quickly.

“So, you’re not going to hate me if I tell you I’m staying at mine tonight? I’ve got to get to my arse up early to go meet with the textile people.”

Remus nodded, wishing Sirius would come back to his but the company was important. He and Reg were about to launch things. Remus couldn’t say no. “It’s okay.”

“You have to tell me if anything is wrong, right? We’re building this all on our communication, which has been fantastic.”

“I — look — I don’t know what is wrong. I can’t explain it. When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.”

The corners of Sirius’ mouth turned down. “I’ll stay with you tonight. Or you can come to my flat.”

“No, it’s okay. Sirius, it’s fine. I’m not having any mental break down or what not.” Remus shook his head. “Plus, I’m not driving on your death rocket.” Sirius had met him at the Potter’s on his motorbike. He was glad Sirius got something he wanted but at the same time he hated it because it seemed unsafe.

“All right.” Sirius sighed. “But call me if you need to talk when you get home.”

“I will stop worrying. Let’s go out there before they all get weird.” Remus nodded out the door. He kept seeing Lily glance at them looking concerned.

Remus couldn’t figure out what he was feeling. It made no sense at all. He didn’t freak out when people got married or engaged. He never panicked when James and Lil talked about the kids in the past. It didn’t make sense to him at the time being. By the time he figured it out, well, it wasn’t very ideal.

*******

On Wednesday, Remus was leaving court. He had been arguing a case that involved abuse of a minor, which was weighing on him a bit. He wasn’t in the greatest headspace since Sunday dinner either so he was depressed. He was still wracking his mind about what had set him off. The worse part was he didn’t have an appointment with Poppy until the following Monday and she couldn’t fit him in before that. He tried.

Remus needed to head back to chambers before he could get home because he had some paperwork to take care of. He was supposed to be meeting Sirius for dinner but Remus was thinking about canceling. He felt like he needed some alone time. Surely Sirius wouldn’t object because he was so busy lately himself. Hopefully, the other man wouldn’t be too worried about him.

Since Sunday Sirius had tried to help him get to the bottom of that feeling but Remus felt like he was at a dead end. Sirius had a constant look of concern on his face that reminded him a bit too much about the past. Like he was watching him a bit too closely.

“That was good, great Remus.” Frank patted him on the arm as they made their way out.

“Thanks, mate.” Remus sighed. As they came around a corner, Remus walked right into someone. “Oh, sorry. I’m sorry.” He said, bending over to pick up his folders.

“It’s quite all right. No harm was done.” The Irish accent said over him. The voice felt too familiar for him. It was one he used to know and it made his skin crawl.

When he stood up, he came face to face with his father. His hair was grey now and he looked older and tired. Remus saw the recognition in his eyes. The recognition of the son that he had left to fend for himself. The one that he couldn’t even be bothered to come and retrieve from state care.

“Remus.” He said and Remus felt hate course through his veins. He didn’t deserve to say anything to him. “You’re a barrister. I’m—”

“No, no. Stop.” Remus shook his head. “Don’t say anything to me. You don’t get to say anything to me.” His voice trembled. He could feel Frank looking on in confusion next to them. “You don’t get to talk to me and say that you’re proud or happy or anything. You get nothing.”

His shut his mouth so fast that Remus thought he could hear the clacking of his teeth.

“Mum died and you — you couldn’t be bothered. You don’t get to say anything to me.” Remus pushed past him and hoped that Frank would follow.

That’s when it all started to tumble down. Later, when everything came to a crashing, silent halt and he was able to think rationally for a for moments in the hospital, he’d be able to point to that moment to know that was where he fell apart. Where all the little things were finally weighed down enough to tear the seams completely apart. After years of being able to manage and have control over his life, everything was falling to pieces inside of him.

Suddenly, Remus was no longer worthy of other people’s love. He was worried again about everyone leaving him. Then it clicked, the reason why he was panicking at dinner. Lily and James were leaving. They were moving out of the flat where he would seek refuge when he was at his darkest.

“Mate, are you all right?” Frank asked, trying to keep up with as they walked back to chambers. Remus couldn’t even remembered how they got down the street.

“Yeah. Ah, I’m all right. That was my father.”

“Gathered that,” Frank said.

“I hadn’t seen him since he left my mum when I was 13.”

“Oh.”

Remus hoped Frank wouldn’t say anything else as they made their way. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to do anything. He just needed to get home. Thankfully he was able to do it quickly. He let the secretary know he’d be taking his work home and probably would not be in the following day because he was feeling ill.

On his way home he texted Sirius, letting him know he had work to do so it’d be better for the other man to spend the night at his place. Sirius didn’t argue but asked how his day was. Remus told him about the case and how that was making him feel but he didn’t bring up his father. He needed time to process it in the comfort of his own flat.

Somewhere in his rational brain, he knew that nobody was leaving him. But in the irrational, trauma brain, he felt like they were all on their way out. Seeing his father just reminded him of that. James and Lily were going to move away, probably even out of the city. Marlene and Dorcas were going to marry and forget about him. He barely saw the Prewetts or Peter any longer. Fleur and Hestia were being kind to him. Regulus and Charlie would settle down somewhere nice, same with Tonks and Bill. They’d all be happy without him.

Sirius would eventually get sick of him. He would become disenchanted with their romance and leave him. He’d get sick of picking up his dirty dishes and putting his clothes in the hamper every day. He’d realize that he was far too good for Remus. How hadn’t he seen it yet? It was truly amazing. Remus needed to break up with him before it went any further. At least as friends, it wouldn’t be so bad and he’d cut it off before they got any deeper. It’d probably hurt now but that was fine.

Remus spent the night drinking too much tea and watching movies to try to take his mind off things. He never got his paperwork done. He hoped that the next day would bring some relief but he barely slept. He just laid on the sofa staring at the pictures moving on the screen for movie after movie but nothing was sticking with him.

The sun rose and Remus stayed on the sofa, staring mostly at his phone after changing the telly to a morning program. He switched between the same few social media apps, trying to take his mind off of the fact that he wanted to break up with Sirius. He was going to break up with Sirius. Everyone was going to have an opinion about it. Hopefully, they would keep it to themselves for the time being because he didn’t need it.

What he did need was a way to break up with the other man gently. To let him down in a way that showed it was not Sirius’ fault. He was preempting the damage that their relationship was eventually going to bring them both.

“Moony, what’s wrong?”

Remus wished his was hallucinating Sirius standing in his living room in front of the telly. He looked worried, setting his helmet down on the coffee table. It was nearly noon now and Remus hadn’t moved from his nest on the sofa except to use the bathroom.

“Nothing.” Remus sat up, feeling pain and stiffness through his body. His old wounds from the accident protesting a night spent sleepless on the sofa. “I just wasn’t feeling well.”

Sirius looked at him like he knew that he was lying. “I went to your work looking for you because I wanted to take you to lunch. Your secretary said you came in looking all pale yesterday and you hurried off after court. I feel like something else is going on.”

“The case was just hard. I told you that.” Remus looked down at his hands as Sirius sat next to him.

“Remus, there’s more to that,” Sirius said, placing a hand on his knee. “I know you and I know this part of you in case you forgot.”

He didn’t want to do this right now.

“I should have come over last night.”

“You’re busy, you have your company. It’s okay.” Remus tried very hard to smile.

“Moony, remember we said we’d talk things out. We’re bloody brilliant with this whole communication thing, right? So, let’s keep it up. I told you when I was struggling a few weeks ago. We worked through it. You were so helpful. Let me help you with this.” Sirius was so sincere that it hurt Remus even more.

“We have to break up.” Remus blurted, finally looking at the other man. So much for the easy way he was pondering earlier.

Sirius’ face fell. His eyes flashed between pain and confusion. “Have I done something wrong, Remus? I don’t understand.”

“No, you’re great. You’re perfect, Sirius and you’ll make someone happy one day. I wish it were me but I not…” Remus shook his head and waved a hand in front of him. “You’ve done everything right. It’s me.”

Sirius turned more to face Remus, “I — I really — Remus I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t understand this at all.”

“You’re going to figure out one day that you can’t love me. You’re going to realize it when we’re in too deep. So, I figure, we stop it here now. There will be less hurt. You have to believe me.”

“Remus, no.” Sirius laughed but he had tears in his eyes. “I’m not leaving you because you think eventually I’m not going to love you. I love you now. I’m fairly certain. I’m going to love you for some time.”

“I don’t want to love you anymore,” Remus said, his voice rough. “It’s just too much, Sirius. It’s too much and when it ends it’s just going to hurt more than it hurts right now.”

“Not everyone fucking leaves Remus!” Sirius shouted, standing up. “Look at everyone in your life. Look at them. They’ve loved you and cared for you for about ten years now, for the most part, give or take some. You’re not getting rid of them. I left and I fucking came back and fell in love you all over again this new way. Regulus would erect a shrine to you if I let him I think. He tells me all the time you’re the best older brother he could ask for.”

“That’s not true. You’re a great brother.” Remus said before wiping away a few tears that escaped with he back of his hand.

“He’s joking. I know he is. Remus the point is, is that you’re brilliant. I don’t know what triggered this all but we can talk about it.” Sirius said, a bit more calm than a moment ago. “Have you slept?”

“No.”

“Sleep.”

“I’m fine.” Remus shook his head.

“Tea. Eat. You’re not thinking clearly.”

“Sirius, you’re leaving. Please. Just get your things and go.” Remus pleaded with him. “Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I know it hurts not but it will be better now if we don’t wait.” Remus tried his best to say in a way that made him sound calm and composed.

“You want that?” Sirius stood with his arms folded. “You want me to leave and walk away from you?”

Remus nodded.

“You want to stop dating and you want me to take all the things I’ve left here and move back to my flat completely?”

“Yes.”

“You want our friends to know that we’re broken up because you think one day in the future it’s going to happen anyway?”

“It’s inevitable, Sirius,” Remus shouted now. “You’re going to realize how horrible I am.”

“Remus, I saw you at horrible I saw you at worse than horrible. I love who are you now. I don’t love this, whatever this is but we can fix it if you just bloody talk to me about whatever happened to make you feel this way.”

“It’s over, Sirius.” Remus closed his eyes. “I can’t let myself get hurt again.”

Sirius shook his head. “I don’t know what’s going on in that brain but I’m going out because I have a meeting I can’t miss. I’ll be back around three and we’ll work it out. Sleep, eat, shower. Maybe it will help you somehow.” He picked up his helmet from the table. “I love you, Remus and I’m not going anywhere until I know what’s wrong.”

Remus watched Sirius walk away and when the door closed behind him he let out a harsh sob. He hated himself so much sometimes. This was one of those times. When Sirius left, he felt empty again, like he did so long ago. He wanted him back now but he knew it was his emotions were getting the better of him. Sirius deserved someone who would be better to him, who wouldn’t make him do the washing up, and who would tell him his true feelings.

That didn’t stop him from hoping that he could somehow get it together by three and tell Sirius what was going on. Maybe there would be a way to fix it. Maybe Sirius wouldn’t leave him in the end. Some relationships worked out there, like Effie and Monty. James and Lily. Remus wanted something like that. But what if it was just him that made things end? Again, in his rational brain, he knew that wasn’t true but that wasn’t what he was dealing with at the moment.

Three o’clock came and went. Remus felt like it was over then. Sirius probably thought Remus was completely mad and not worth it any longer. He’d probably ask to come to the flat one day when Remus wasn’t there to collect his things.

By five, Remus had finally eaten something and took a shower. He was sitting on the sofa, wondering what he should do when the phone rang. He was sure that it was James or Lily calling to rescue him from himself as usual. But no, it was Regulus. He sighed, not wanting to let down someone else. He decided to send it to voicemail. He called three more times without leaving a message. He sent four texts asking him to answer his calls but Remus didn’t.

Twenty minutes later there was a pounding on his door. He didn’t want to open it but it didn’t stop. When he did he found Lily and James with pale faces and red eyes as if they had been crying. “Thank god you’re here. Sirius’ been in an accident.”

Remus’ ears rang his vision went a bit wonky then things went black.


	15. Chapter 15

**April 2019**

When Remus came to, Lily was supporting his head and James was kneeling at his side. “Remus, Remus it’s okay.” Lily soothed him by carding her fingers through his curls.

“What — did I faint?” He tried to sit up but James put a hand in the center of his chest to stop him. It was probably for the best because he felt a little off still. Everything was still a little fuzzy.

“Yes. Are you okay?” James asked.

Remus wasn’t sure how to answer that question because he wasn’t okay. This was the worst he had felt in ages. Sirius had been in an accident. Not only that, Remus had spiraled into anxiety after seeing his father and broke up with Sirius.“You said Sirius was in an accident?”

“Yes. We worried if you were involved because you weren’t answering Regulus’ calls. I even called your chambers and they said you never came in today. Reggie said you and Sirius were arguing. We didn’t know what was going on.” A tear ran down Lily’s cheek.

“We broke up. Well, I broke up with him. Can I please at least sit up?” Remus asked and his friends let him. “What happened?”

“I don’t know. Regulus just said that he was in an accident on the bike and he’s at St. Mungo’s right now. He’s alive but injured. We don’t know the extent of it.”

Remus felt tears in his eyes again and he felt a little sick to his stomach. “I broke up with him. Oh god, I’m a bloody idiot.” He said softly. “He didn’t want to and he was coming back here to talk about it after his meeting. I thought he didn’t want to try because he didn’t show up after three and I — I fucked up.”

“Oh, Moony, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” James hugged him. “This isn’t your fault.”

“Why’d you break up with him?”

“Because everyone leaves,” Remus said between his sobs. “Fuck, fuck… he can’t die.”

“Are you okay to go to the hospital?” Lily asked him, rubbing his back.

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “I need to. What if he dies and I left it like that?” Remus said, on the verge of tears once more.

“Remus, let’s get there and see what we can find out.” Lily stood up, then James. “Come on, Remus.” Lily offered a hand to help him to his feet.

He was numb as they made their way to St. Mungo’s. Remus had never been there before but he hated it. He hated hospitals as a general rule. The smell, the lights, it all made him sick. It brought him back to losing his mum and to waking up after his suicide attempt. Both of those were his lowest moments. On top of the anxiety, he was feeling for all that. He was worried that he was going to lose Sirius.

In the waiting room of the operating theater where Sirius was being treated for unknown injuries were Lily, James, Regulus, Charlie, Marlene, Dorcas, Fleur, and Hestia. Effie and Monty were up at their estate so they were driving down. Peter and Em were coming from their place in the suburbs. Remus wasn’t sure what the point of everyone waiting around was. No one had done that when he was in his accident. After his suicide attempt, he refused to see anyone but James and Lily so he wasn’t sure if his friends all gathered or not.

Regulus was pacing. The others were standing or sitting, talking quietly. Remus curled up in a chair near the spot Reggie was walking back and forth in front of. He looked like how Remus felt. “What happened, Remus? Why were you arguing? He was so upset about it.” Reg finally came to a stop in front of him.

“I — I broke up with him.”

Regulus’ face seemed to become even sadder. “But he was going back to yours. He said that you two just needed to talk.”

“He wanted to talk I — Regulus, everyone always goes,” Remus said as Reg sat down next to him. “I couldn’t take him realizing at another time that he didn’t love me.”

“Remus, for six years Sirius held something for you. It may not have been love fully realized but he always wondered. When we came back, he fell for you completely. Even before you both started dating. He knows you warts and all, Moony. What the fuck caused all this? You were great a few days ago.”

Remus closed his eyes and tried to take some deep breaths. Things were quiet, almost disturbingly so but he could finally hear his own thoughts. It was all triggered by seeing his father. Before that he felt something daft because Lily and James were moving from a flat that was a sanctuary during his hardest time. “I saw my father yesterday.”

“You saw your father yesterday?” Tonks said loudly from the other side of the waiting room.

Remus opened his eyes and everyone was staring at him. “Yes, he was at the court for some reason. I didn’t ask but I ran right into him. Quite literally.”

“What’d you say?” James asked.

“I told him to fuck off and not to talk to me because he didn’t deserve to.”

“Rightly so.” Lily nodded.

“That’s why you were rowing with Sirius?” Regulus shook his head. “Did you tell him?”

“No — I freaked out instead.” Remus put his hands over his face. “He was being so level-headed and I was panicking. He did everything right and I broke up with him.”

“You didn’t break up with him. He wasn’t done.” Regulus shook his head. “He’s going to wake up and tell you that you’re an idiot.”

Remus didn’t need Sirius to tell him he was an idiot. But he also was still feeling a bit torn about breaking up with Sirius. A part of him knew he was being ridiculous (that was his rational side) the other part was telling him that Sirius was going to stop loving him at one point (that was his trauma brain). He needed to see Poppy but he had a few days before that still. He hoped that he didn’t do anything else completely daft in that time. He wasn’t sure what could be worse than breaking up with Sirius but he was sure that he could find a way.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re all here.” Effie sighed as she and Monty came into the room. “Have we heard anything?”

“No, we’re waiting for his doctor,” Regulus spoke as Effie hugged him tightly.

Remus stood up to hug them both. He didn’t want to let go of either of the two people who essentially adopted him. They were firm reminders that people loved him and could love each other for the long haul. “Are you holding up, darling?” Effie asked quietly.

“I’m holding up, yes, I think,” Remus said as she pulled away.

“It must be bringing up some things.” Effie held his hand and furrowed her brow.

“You have no idea.” He took a deep breath. He didn’t appreciate it all coming full circle. It was throwing him through a loop. That was the understatement of the year.

“Do you need anything?” She asked, searching his face for something.

“I need to talk to Poppy but she’s not available until Monday,” Remus said quietly to her.

“We can find you someone else to talk to. Sirius sees someone I know, would you like me to contact her?”

Remus swallowed hard and nodded. He hadn’t been to a different therapist for almost three years now. He loved Poppy, she called him on his bullshit and was very helpful. Hopefully, this woman was the same.

“Until then, you’ll get a cup of tea and try to relax.” She informed him. “I’ll call Minerva now.”

“Thank you, Effie.”

“No worries, my darling boy,” Effie said softly.

Sometimes he wondered if the woman was sent from heaven by his mother. She was supportive and non-judgmental. She cared for him just as much as his mother did. Effie wanted the best for him but never hesitated to tell him when he was wrong.

Remus went to go get tea from the cafeteria in the hospital’s basement. The smell of the food made his stomach turn but he got a croissant to try to eat as well. He didn’t fancy passing out again and this time would be from low blood sugar or something. He felt like he was in a waking nightmare as he walked the corridors. The others asked him if he wanted company but he needed some alone time. It had been three hours since Remus arrived and they hadn’t heard a thing. That meant Sirius had been in the hospital for about five hours now.

He couldn’t take the idea of losing someone else permanently. When Remus lost his mum, everything fell apart. It took him so long to regain any footing. He knew that he was in a better place, barring the calamity for the last twenty-four hours or so. But the idea terrified him. It terrified him more than dating Sirius or breaking up with Sirius. He couldn’t bear the idea of not having him in his life for good again. Remus didn’t want to leave Sirius, he thought as he arrived back in the waiting room, but he still had that insecurity of Sirius realizing one day he didn’t love him any longer.

About two more hours later, a doctor came out in his scrubs looking rather tired. He asked for Regulus. “So, he suffered multiple broken bones in both the arm and leg on his left side as well as broken ribs. There was internal bleeding as well, which we were able to get control of.”

“Is he all right though?” Regulus questioned the man.

“He’s stable but he’s not completely out of the woods yet. It’s late and he won’t be awake for some time so I would suggest that everyone go home and get some rest.” The doctor said, looking around at the waiting room of all of Sirius’ friends. “It’s going to be a long road for recovery but it looks like he has a good support system.”

“You’ll stay at our flat tonight,” Lily said, taking hold of his hand. “I’m not taking no for an answer. We’ll stop by yours to get a change of clothes then we’ll go back to ours.”

Remus couldn’t argue with her. He knew that going home alone wasn’t going to be an option. Sirius would have yelled at him if he were awake.

He felt like he blinked and he was at the Potters. He showered again to get the smell of the hospital off of him before crawling into the guest bed. Five minutes later both Lily and James joined him. “I’m not going to kill myself.”

“We know, but it’s better when we’re together, right?” Lily said, cuddling him.

“Sometimes it feels like we’re in a polyamorous relationship.” Remus laughed.

“Yeah, James would be too jealous.” Lily snickered and James laughed as well.

“I feel bad that he’s there all by himself. He’s going to wake up all alone. That’s — that’s not a great feeling.” He woke up alone after the accident and was informed about his mother’s death by some stranger. When he woke up after his overdose, Lily and James were there. As much as it hurt, it was nice to have them there.

“He’s going to be on so much medicine. He’s going to be groggy and probably sleep most of the night,” James assured him. “We’ll be there first thing in the morning. I set my alarm.”

“Do you think he’s going to be okay?”

“The doctor said he was stable. We have to hope for the best.” Lily sighed. “Let’s try to get some sleep.”

Remus somehow did sleep. He fell asleep quickly. It was probably due to the fact he didn’t sleep the night before. When he woke up he didn’t exactly feeling well rested but he felt somewhat more human. No one had received any urgent calls in the night about Sirius, so James called Regulus to check in as Remus and Lily went to get ready to go.

“Reggie said he’s heard nothing so he’s on his way to the hospital now. I’d say in these cases no news is good news.” James reasoned when Remus came out into the living room. “I’m going to change. We’ll grab a coffee and something to eat on the way.”

As he waited, Effie called him to inform Remus that he was due to meet Minerva at four in the afternoon. Her office was close to Mungo’s so he would be able to leave from there to go to his appointment. Remus took a deep breath, feeling a bit more relaxed. He’d feel even better after seeing Sirius alive and then talking to someone about things.

Soon enough they were at the hospital again. It was only Regulus, James, and Lily. Regulus texted everyone that he’d let them know when Sirius was ready for visitors. When the arrived Regulus was in the waiting room. “He’s awake. In some pain but he’s awake. They’re in there doing stuff. I don’t know. But he’s asking after you.” Regulus looked at Remus. “So, when we can go back in, I think you should go first.”

“Not really the proper time to talk?”

“He wants to talk. He won’t be happy until he talks. He’s got his wits about him just fine. He’s just all bruised and cut up.” Regulus informed him.

Five minutes later a nurse told Reg he could see Sirius again. Remus was effectively pushed out of his chair by James to see him. He wasn’t sure what he should expect as he went into the room. But he as somewhat relieved to see Sirius sitting up a bit. His left arm and leg were wrapped in casts and he was looking a little grey but he didn’t look near death.

“Oh, Moony, thank god.” Sirius let out a long breath.

“Sirius — I — I’m,” Remus couldn’t get any words out because they all turned into a sob.

“Come here.” Sirius patted his good side. “The right side of my body not that shite. I hit the pavement with my left.” He said with a smile.

“Sirius,” Remus tried to calm down. “I’m sorry.”

“Remus, I told you I wasn’t going anywhere. Even a bloody car couldn’t get rid of me from your life.” Sirius said as Remus sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. Remus took his right hand. “What happened, Remus? Why do you want to break up with me?”

Remus sighed then told Sirius about running into his father and everything that it triggered. He explained that at Sunday dinner he was odd because of his feelings about Lily and James leaving. “I just realized that. I wasn’t holding that back from you.”

“Okay.” Sirius nodded. “I wish you would have told me yesterday that you ran into your father. That’s pretty heavy, love.” Sirius rubbed his thumb across the back of Remus’ hand. “It’s no wonder you tried to leave me.”

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, “I’m sorry, Sirius.”

“I’m not sure if I like the sound of that sorry. Are you still trying to break up with me?”

“I — I don’t understand how you can want me after this. You’re all broken because of me.”

Sirius laughed, “I’m all broken because some drunk arsehole decided to get wasted in the early afternoon and drive. If you’re talking about the more not literal breaks, those come from my family and me not taking care of things sooner. Moony, you were so good to me when I was hurting the other week.”

“I know,” Remus said his voice breaking. He was getting sick of crying. “It’s going to hurt so much when you decide you don’t love me.”

“I’m not going to decide that. I love you. I told you that yesterday. I love you for everything or in spite of some shite. I don’t know. Remus, you’re my soulmate. These last three months have been my happiest ever. Not just because you, I mean, you’re a nice bonus. But because things are finally the way they should be.” Sirius smiled.

“I love you so much. I’m just so scared.”

“That’s all right, Remus. It’s okay.”

“I’m going to talk to your therapist tonight. Poppy can’t take me til Monday and I need someone to help me.”

“That’s a good idea. You’ll love Minnie.” Sirius smiled. “Just, please, Remus, don’t leave. I understand if you want to. I can’t force you to stay, that’s very not healthy.”

“I won’t.” Remus shook his head. “Someone is going to have to nurse you back to health anyway.”

“So, you’re staying with me out of pity.” Sirius laughed.

“Yes, we’ll see what happens when you’re back to full health.” Remus teased. He didn’t want to leave Sirius. He needed to continue to be upfront with him because he felt completely ridiculous. He would have been saved from so much headache if he just told Sirius he ran into his father.

“Can I get a kiss?”

“Yes,” Remus carefully leaned over to press his lips to Sirius’ chapped ones. “Thank god for your helmet.”

“I know.”

“You’re not driving that fucking thing anymore.” Remus shook his head before pressing a few more kisses to Sirius’ mouth.

“It’s wrecked anyway,” Sirius said. “I’ll be staying off motorbikes.”

They were quiet for a few moments, Remus listened to the machines doing their works and Sirius continued to hold on to his hand. “We have got a lot of work to do still, don’t we?”

“We’re always going to have a lot of work to do. Relationships aren’t easy and ours is just a little more complicated than most.” Sirius informed him. “So, who all is here?”

“James, Lily, and your brother last I knew. Bloody everyone was here yesterday. You’re a very popular bloke it seems.”

“I was only asking for you. My nurse scolded me when I asked for the phone to call you at about three in the morning.”

“I would have had a heart attack if you called me that early in the morning.” Remus shook his head. “I felt bad that you had to wake up alone. I know how it feels.”

“It’s okay. I wouldn’t have been able to make much sense last night anyway. You’re here now and it’s okay.” Sirius smiled.

 *******  
**April 2019**

Remus wheeled Sirius into the flat on the wheelchair they had been given. Sirius had been released from the hospital. He had sent everyone back to their own homes and informed them all that Remus and he would be just fine. Of course James and Lily had tagged along with them. “You know, I always thought you and I were co-dependent before but I think you lot are the co-dependent ones.” Sirius scoffed as Remus rolled him into the living room.

“We worry about Moony, is all. Don’t worry. We’ll have a child soon to fuss over.” James said as Remus helped Sirius move to the sofa.

“I’m not a child.” Remus bristled before planting a kiss on Sirius’ forehead.

“I know that but we like to worry about people. It’s genetic for me.” James said.

“It’s also catching.” Lily laughed. “Do you want dinner? We’ll order in.”

“Yeah, that’d be good. I’m so bloody sick of hospital food.” Sirius complained as Remus sat next to him.

“Menus in the kitchen, Moons?” Lily pointed towards it.

“Yep.” Remus pulled the hair tie out of Sirius’ ever-growing locks as it was about to fall out.

“I’ll be in the loo.” James excused himself.

“You’re going to be great at ponytails and buns soon,” Sirius said as Remus gathered his hair.

“You’ll have your cast off soon enough.” Remus kissed the back of his neck when he finished securing the tie. “I’m so happy you’re okay.”

“I’m happy too.”

Remus still had a long way to go in working on himself as well as his relationship with Sirius. Minerva told him how much he was overreacting and he needed to stop and think. Sirius did love him, so much and it was in a healthy way. She advised him to give it another chance and continue working on letting Sirius in. It was difficult but at least Sirius understood. He was so happy to have another chance with the man that he loved.


	16. Chapter 16

**June 2020**

Again, Effie and Monty were hosting a wedding at the estate. Remus watched Harry and Ron making faces in the crowd. Harry was nine and Lily and James had brought him into their lives about a year ago. He hit it off with the younger Weasley kiddos, which was great. Peter and Em were sitting near them holding their little girl. Marlene was looking very radiant with her pregnant belly and Dorcas seemed so happy next to her. Tonks and Bill were grinning like the two weirdos they were, her new engagement ring shining in the June sun. Ben and Gid were still together. Fab was the perpetual bachelor that he was. Regulus and Charlie were holding hands. They had just gone through this ritual themselves.

Remus was standing up looking dapper in his stone grey suit as he waited for the other bride to walk down the aisle. He had escorted Hestia down. Her parents weren’t here but her new found friends and family surrounded her. Fleur as well. Sirius walked Fleur down, which was probably odd. An ex-husband was giving away an ex-wife. But it wasn’t weird because they were best mates. They both were beautiful.

Life since Sirius’ accident was good. Their relationship went back to how it was the first few months. Remus continued going to therapy. They had rows and rough patches but he did a better job at talking about what was happening in his brain when things were going on. Sirius was unbelievably patient with it and he hoped that he showed the same patience when Sirius needed him to.

Sirius went through physical therapy and all that, it was a long process but he was not fully healed. He liked that they both had some scars. Sirius said it added character to them. Remus couldn’t help but roll his eyes at it. He was not a fan of how they both got those scars. Remus had some anxiety for a while about getting in another type of vehicle but he overcame that.

The wedding ceremony was short and sweet. The group moved to the party quickly. Remus and Sirius danced the night away. Remus couldn’t stop laughing as they spun around the floor together and with their friends. As the night began to grow quiet and everyone started to filter out. Only their close friends were left when Sirius asked him to go on a walk with him.

Remus assumed the man wanted a cigarette. It was his one bad habit that he was trying very hard to quit. He was smoking much less but he did have a couple of drinks so it was inevitable. “Moony, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Can you believe that it’s been about a year and a half?” Sirius said, stopping at a bench far enough away from the tent.

“No and yes. It’s felt longer and shorter at the same time. I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“It makes plenty.”

Remus looked up at the night sky with a sigh. It was a full moon, “You know if I were a werewolf you’d be in trouble right now.”

“Oh, please, I doubt even your werewolf self would hate me.” Sirius laughed. “It might want to eat me. You do say I’m rather tasty.”

“Am I getting lucky tonight?” Remus raised an eyebrow at the flirtation.

“Of course.” Sirius kissed him slowly. “But you interrupted me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“I — uh, look,” He just took Remus’ left hand. He slipped his mother’s ring off of his pinky. He wore it every day. At work, he wore it on a chain since he felt strange wearing noticeable jewelry in the courtroom. But it was either on the chain or on his finger all the time.

“I like that there you know.”

“It belongs here.” Sirius shook his head as he grabbed his left hand. “Left hand, heart out.”

Remus furrowed his brow. “We’re engaged. You’re asking me to marry you?” He was elated but he was just surprised.

“I asked you last night.” Sirius let out a sharp laugh.

“You said, ‘would you ever marry me’. I said, ‘sure, one day’.” Remus twisted the ring where it was now on his left hand. “That wasn’t a marriage proposal.”

“I apologize for not being clear. But Moony, will you marry me? I love you to pieces.” Sirius reached up and held his chin.

“I love you too Padfoot. I will marry you, yeah.” He said through a watery smile. His life was so different than it was eight years ago, five years ago, two years ago, or even one year ago. He learned that life wasn’t going to be completely smooth, even know he was well into his recovery. Being okay was work because of his past and he worked hard to keep living his life right.

“Thank god. I saw you standing up there as I was walking Fleur down and I got ridiculously giddy. It made me think of our own wedding and — god I’m just so happy.” He kissed Remus again, linger a little. He nipped at Remus’ bottom lip before pulling away.

“Me too, love, me too.” Remus hugged him close and pulled him. “Let’s go see our mates.”

As they walked back in Sirius spun him around on the dance floor.

“God, you two are disgusting,” Tonks complained. “I love it.”

“Well, it’s about to get worse because Sirius asked me to marry him. Switched my ring to my other hand and everything.” Remus grinned and everyone let out a cheer.

“I’d like to clarify I asked last night and he just didn’t realize it.” Sirius took a seat at the table everyone was at. “You know, I always thought he was the smartest out of us but now I’m not sure.”

“You asked if I wanted to get to married one day. That’s not the same as asking someone for their hand in marriage.” Remus snickered.

“Yeah, Pads, not the same thing.” Peter gave him a little tap to the back of his head.

“Whatever, we’re getting married. So we’ll be settling down just like the rest of you.”

“Can you believe these two? Who would have thought,” James shook his head. “Ask me back in 2011 if I thought you’d be here I’d laugh in your face. But look at you.”

“James, are you about to cry?” Remus raised an eyebrow.

“No, I’m just so proud of you two.”

Remus was too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved this story but boy am I glad to be done with it. Thank you so much for reading! If you need something light, check out my new story: Two Solitudes.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi: emeliadoyle.tumblr.com
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